Throuout my life ive believed i was was straight. Verry little doubt. So why now? Why this fixation now? Am i the only one whos feeling like this?

Well here is the thing I am a female who just turned 18 years old. Up until this point I kind of just liked guys and that was it I never really thought too much about liking girls I would here stories about girls who have gone lesbian or bi-sexual, and think about what they're going through but not necessarily relate to it. Over the years I have showed many obsessive behaviors I would have a topic come into my brain and obsess over it for a long period of time this happened when I was 6 and I had a fear of getting a heart attack. Again when I was 8 or 9 and the movie the Omen came out and I had constant anxiety attacks over fears of being possessed by the devil or if I was. Many things made me nervous and many things made me fearful growing up it was always things that were out of my control. Throughout the years starting at the ages of 8-10 I started to distribute obsessive compulsive behavior feeling like a would need to touch something a certain amount of times or turn the lights off a certain amount of times to hopefully feel right about something and prevent something that I didn't want to happen from happening. Until recently this year when many of the girls in my school I know and people out side of school came out did I start experiencing my HOCD. The thought would pop into my head in the begging of the year that "what if I was" or the "would I want to make out with that girl just for fun" like all these experimental girls seem to be doing because they were "confident in their sexuality" was the reason I didn't want to make out with these girls because I wasn't confident in my sexuality? But the thought didn't bother me for longer than a minute I knew it wasn't a real problem so I would just move on because at the time I had other things to obsess over like being healthy my school work getting into college and being smart about letting the boy I liked back into my life who had previously screwed me over. The year went on these "what if" thoughts would pop into my head every once in a while but not truly bother me. On the other hand I was dealing with trying my best not to fall for this boy who once screwed me over and it was hard and I found it hard to admit to myself that I liked him because of how much he had hurt me but after months of trying to fight liking him I just kind of stopped but didn't yet tell my friends who probably already knew that I liked him. He was with another girl at the time so I wasn't able to express my feelings to him when I finally realized and I had to hide my feelings from him. Anyway I went away for a prom weekend and got high and drunk and had a "trip out" in this trip out my OCD came in full effect and the walls started to move around the HOCD thoughts started to come back into me head saying to you want "penis" or "vagina" I kept saying to myself penis but my brain was tricking me and kept throwing the word vagina in my face while I was high but there was no way that's what I wanted. It was scary. What does this mean? I never wanted that at least I never thought I did what the hell is going on. A night later my best friend was with this boy and she had gone further with him I always kind of felt I wanted to be on the same page with my friends while going further with boys so I almost felt some pressure to do so but I was not at any position to do that because I wasn't "with" anyone at the time the boy I liked was "with" someone else. So when this cute boy wanted to make out with me I said yes we went to his room and things were getting heated and he asked me to blow him and I kept saying no no no because I wasn't ready but he kept pressuring me with this pressure the thought popped back into my head is this because you're really a lesbian and you don't want to? The though freaked me out I thought no freaking way, then maybe I should just do it to make sure I'm not. So while he continued to pressure me and convince me that I want to I said well yeah I guess I'll try it to make sure. Not going to lie I thoroughly enjoyed it I felt like I was good at it and I felt sexy and I liked turning him on. But after he left me right away and I felt completely degraded and terrible. My best friend came to find me after and I told her I had gone further with him and she was very accepting of it and didn't judge me. But what continued to freak me out was not only that I did something so degrading but the reason why... because I felt pressure to be on the same page as my friends AND I feared not doing it might me I'm a lesbian. This really freaked me out and I did not like this at all. After this happened I told the boy I liked that I did that since me and him had gotten very close he was so great and so comforting to me it just made me feel like I wanted to be with him more. He wound up ending things with the girl he was with for their own reasons and me and him were together for a short amount of time until he left for the summer during this time with him I was so happy and I felt so secure with him but I liked him differently than I liked him the first time mainly because of the knowledge I had of how bad he's hurt me in the past. I got a lot of closure with him and felt so happy whenever I was with him in fact I was thinking about losing my virginity to him because we were so happy and so into each other. It didn't happen because my best friend talked me out of it with the knowledge that he's screwed me over in the past and he might do it again and then I'll be even more hurt. Anyway he left for the summer and I was home without a job or without much to occupy my mind except the anxiety of going to college it's scary and I worried about it because I had a tough time transitioning into high school and I don't want to psych myself out and do the same that I did going into high school in which I was a mess. Somewhere along the lines my OCD kicked in a few weeks ago but with this topic that bothered me once before being a lesbian...OH NO this really freaks me out I would have compulsions and ruminating thoughts in my head I wasn't able to sleep or eat for a week because I could not stand the thought of being a lesbian I never actually thought I was one I had always been emotionally, sexually, and romantically attracted to men, this was awful I don't ever lie I never felt like I was closeting anything why do I all of a sudden start questioning myself now? This forced me to think back on my past and when I was a child I remember the first boy I liked lived next door when we were 4 I fell head over heels once time we played a game e called "the sex game" as sick as that sounds and we showed each other our privates and that was the extent of it.. a couple years later when I was still very young I remember my cousin who was a female wanting to play a game similar to this but not showing our privates it was like playing house but sex themes I suppose clothes were on and one would play the boy and one will play the girl but nothing actually truly sexual went on. She is now 20 years old with a boyfriend she is madly in love with and she is not a lesbian at all. However, this game was brought among attention with some of my other friends who were also females I remember playing the game and never actually wanting to do it because I wanted to be with my female friends but because I wanted to be with a male actually playing these games I just didn't have any boy I would know who would want to play this as such a young age he would probably think I was weird. But my female friends liked it as well as I did however thinking back on it it was definitely not because I was thinking about them but rather thinking about doing this with a boy. As a kid I always wanted to play that with a boy and I would always think how much more fun house would be if we got an actual boy to play the dad. It sucked when it was just a girl playing the dad. After a while probably when I was around 8 I realized that these games were weird and felt wrong and I probably shouldn't be doing this I really didn't have knowledge of what a lesbian was until after I stopped playing those games and I thought it was really weird and out of character that I did that because there was no way I ever liked a girl or had any desire to be with one.
Thinking back on this as an 18 year old freaked me out. What if doing this when I was young meant I was I couldn't shake it I was so freaked out for two weeks and not sleeping or eating added fuel to the fire of the OCD bully inside my head that constantly latches on to something to make me crazy. I would look at myself in the the mirror and not feel like I was a lesbian but I would constantly have to repeat to myself I'm not a lesbian I'm not a lesbian I'm not a lesbian with a pit of anxiety in my chest. I thought maybe if I said I was would the change the feeling so I tried saying I am a lesbian and felt nothing. This made me go bonkers because I did NOT want to be this but I never had a problem with people who were in fact I was very accepting and had many people come out to me before and I didn't have a problem with this but that made my anxiety fuel more did I want them? why am I okay with it? am I accepting because I want people to accept me? No No No No No is all I could think to myself where the fuck is this coming from? I never wanted any of these things? Thinking more about it the thought of being with a girl sexually or romantically made me nauseous and cringe in fear. What if I did experiment... and liked it? Ew, Oh no all I ever wanted was to be with a man and be happy with him now am I going to have to change my whole life around to something that I don't want to be. I googled my questions and was getting back that I was "bi sexual" this still didn't sit right with me because I can never see myself being with a girl I always wanted to marry a man and fall in love with him and grow old and have kids with him that was always my dream no matter how far away it seemed. Finally I came across an article and a study on HOCD and I immediately knew that it was exactly what I was going through I finally was able to rest and eat and feel normal for a few days with m only worry being..."what if it comes back?" Big mistake on my part. Sure enough the questions came back the terrible ruminating thoughts that I did not what in my head the CONSTANT what if what if what if and doubt doubt. Is this real am I in denial because I just don't want to be rejected by society? For the record I have very accepting parents who would not care if I was or was not in fact I told them all about this and they don't even truly believe that I am nor do I also I have very accepting friends and family so If I was actually a lesbian or bi sexual I have nothing to be worried about the pure fact is I just DON'T WANT TO BE, and I feel like I'm screaming that to these obsessive thoughts in my brain. I saw a therapist one session and in that same day I had given her only the basics of my problems and she had diagnosed me with obsessive behaviors. The same day i came home and remembered about the first time I watched porn I was in 7th grade and I was 12 because I had a sleepover with 2 of my friends and one of them watched it all the time and told us to watch it with her I remember feeling very weird and not comfortable about it and she showed us a cat house thing on HBO it was really weird and some of the scenes were orgies with men and women and some lesbian things I can only recall feeling kind of odded out about the lesbian things and not understanding how it worked but I think I was turned on by the heterosexual sex that was occurring I remember feeling really weird that my friend watched this all the time but oddly enough I kind of wanted to watch it again and I didn't know why when this memory popped back into my head I questioned did I want to do these things with my friends at the time? was I looking for them to want to do that with me? I was 12 the reality is I probably wasn't but I thought about it a little and maybe I was feeling experimental at that age my first time watching porn and being disturbed but somewhat interested in it. and oddly enough this thought made me feel better. Maybe at that time I thought about it and when my friends were also kind of weirded out by it I kind of went with that feeling more so because being weirded out felt more normal more like me but I was still interested in sex. Oddly enough when I realized this now it kind of gave me this settling feeling which scared me once again because I am finally realizing that I am a lesbian or bi sexual. But no, in fact it made me feel like I was finally just straight because that's what I truly wanted to be. I watched porn a lot at the messy point in my life in high school because I felt alone and I felt too ugly and too fat for a boy I want to ever want me or love me. So masturbation became apparent. I realized that at that time I was curious about lesbian porn however not actually turned on by it and not actually really wanting to act on it persay but these doubts and anxieties can mess with your head and really convince you that you are something that you know deep down you're not and never wanted to be. During this HOCD crisis I really tried to masturbate again I tried masturbating to the thought of a girl and the though of being a lesbian or doing lesbian things and I simply just couldn't it didn't turn me on it didn't feel right and i felt weird it just wasn't happening. Masturbating to the thought of a boy or being with a boy is what really turns me on and felt right. I don't know exactly why these things have bothered me so much made me question my past present and future. But it's miserable and I just want to go back to the way it was before when these thoughts didn't exist and didn't bother me so much and I just felt like I was living my life for me rather than having anxiety and making me question the entire way I've been living my life up until this point. It is awful I want to get over it and I understand that if I was truly "gay, bi-sexual, or lesbian" that this is something I would just want to be not to get over. I really don't want that life for myself but I honestly and whole heatedly do not have a problem with people who do that's there life but it doesn't mean anything about me. I should be focusing on college right now and getting ready to go away and live on my own but this is a terrible negative distraction from that stress and I just want it to stop. I have always found women attracted or "pretty" but can never actually say with true conviction that I have been attracted TO them. Men however I find attractive and want to be with them. I really feel terrible and confused and like a mess I would just like to move on with my life the way I truly want to. Please help with some advice and opinions. Thank you.