Highly Sensitive People HSP Community Group
The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds...
Lately, I have been feeling rejected by my ex-best friend. Rather than just letting myself feel the difficult painful feelings, I intellectualize by thinking about all the reasons why she stopped talking to me.
These are reasons I have come up with:
1-She got bored with me and has met a new friend who is more outgoing and entertaining ( I met this new friend and see pictures of her on facebook).
2-I became too serious during our friendship and began analyzing things and complained too much (she told me that I analyze and that I always complain)
3-She got tired of my fiance and I being late when she invited us to dinner.
4-Her husband passed away and I knew him back when he was alive and for this reason, she wants nothing more to do with me to remind herself of that time.
But, here's the thing: I know I did not always complain. There were often times where I listened to her complain and empathized with her. In turn, there was only so much of my complaining she could take. For example, once I told her that I did not want my dad to give me a ride to work because of the fact that I had a difficult time getting along with him. After I said this, she started yelling at me. I think its because her dad was not available for her when she wanted him to be.
I admit in some ways I am a serious person. I philosophize, I analyze, I intellectualize. But, at the same time, I can be funny, goofy, silly and I love to have fun just like anyone else. I am a social worker and a psychologist and an introvert so of course I analyze people by nature and I enjoy talking about feelings. But I think this became annoying to her.
Okay, I can understand the being late thing. I admit this was something I probably should have worked harder at avoiding. I don't like to blame others, but my fiance was often the reason for being late. He does not like to follow a schedule, but prefers to do things on his own time and often get precocuppied while shopping for ingredients (he was often the cook at dinner). But when meeting her alone, most of the time I was on time. The funny thing is when I asked her once if it bothered her she said no and that the only thing that bothered her was that we could not spend more time together.
And finally, with the last thing, there is nothing I can do about that. Ultimately, I admit I have no control over how she sees me or how anyone sees me. I know that friends grow apart and that this happens to many people, but it still hurts.
These are reasons I have come up with:
1-She got bored with me and has met a new friend who is more outgoing and entertaining ( I met this new friend and see pictures of her on facebook).
2-I became too serious during our friendship and began analyzing things and complained too much (she told me that I analyze and that I always complain)
3-She got tired of my fiance and I being late when she invited us to dinner.
4-Her husband passed away and I knew him back when he was alive and for this reason, she wants nothing more to do with me to remind herself of that time.
But, here's the thing: I know I did not always complain. There were often times where I listened to her complain and empathized with her. In turn, there was only so much of my complaining she could take. For example, once I told her that I did not want my dad to give me a ride to work because of the fact that I had a difficult time getting along with him. After I said this, she started yelling at me. I think its because her dad was not available for her when she wanted him to be.
I admit in some ways I am a serious person. I philosophize, I analyze, I intellectualize. But, at the same time, I can be funny, goofy, silly and I love to have fun just like anyone else. I am a social worker and a psychologist and an introvert so of course I analyze people by nature and I enjoy talking about feelings. But I think this became annoying to her.
Okay, I can understand the being late thing. I admit this was something I probably should have worked harder at avoiding. I don't like to blame others, but my fiance was often the reason for being late. He does not like to follow a schedule, but prefers to do things on his own time and often get precocuppied while shopping for ingredients (he was often the cook at dinner). But when meeting her alone, most of the time I was on time. The funny thing is when I asked her once if it bothered her she said no and that the only thing that bothered her was that we could not spend more time together.
And finally, with the last thing, there is nothing I can do about that. Ultimately, I admit I have no control over how she sees me or how anyone sees me. I know that friends grow apart and that this happens to many people, but it still hurts.
My friend told me that she had wanted to become a b!tch because she was often disrespected by others. I remember telling her not to do this...
I often wondered over the past year if my friend was serious about this and closed closed her heart and put up a wall around herself. I think her husband passing away had a lot to do with it.
I know I could have been a good friend if she looked for me for comfort, but this only happened briefly after he passed. Then, she became more and more distant.
The funny thing is, there were things about her I did not like or agree with. For example, she told me once how she took advantage of an old lover in order to get money out of him and she was proud of it. Yet, I remained committed to our friendship. At after all I have given to our friendship, I am the one who ended up getting rejected!
I guess I am an accepting and open-minded person by nature and she was not. She often complained about other friends and other people and this should have been a red flag.
There are times I look back at this or that relationship and see that I was the left person or the rejected one ... when I look deeper at a few or more it is more then possible that I needed more or wasn't getting my needs met ... nor was the person I was trying to relate to available to meet those needs and that can = collapse and it is like the law of gravity like there is nothing innate in value to hold it down.
My point in both of these descriptions is to understanding power personal power and not grasp at control. The bigger picture ... the one that is not readily seen through ego is the one that will ultimately be the answer. This doesn't have to be about who did what wrong or who is this or that or bad in other words blaming yourself or the other person because they both amount to the same kind of ego structure. I don't particularly enjoy making use of the word. My intention is to create an arrow to something greater like wisdom which to me is not on the level of flight fight blame and control.
Grief will cycle through denial and with in that denial comes refusal to believe that one hasn't got there right hand on the cause for the change.
Certainly giving and not receiving proper thanks and appreciation but apparently replaced by abuse of some form or another . sorry that happened . Same has happened to me but at some point I realize I did not have to take it I could have stopped as soon as I saw bad behavior. That is a lessen Find out more about a person and not have any expectations nor assumptions of their character but to check out over time and learn.
Yes a bigger part of me knows that what people do is often not about us. In fact in "The Four Agreements" Don Miguel Ruiz, the author, says something similar. I think one of the agreements centers around learning to accept that.
My brother is so wise and has told me that he had decided to continue to trust new friends no matter how many times friends have let him down in the past. He refuses to be one of those people who closes his heart and puts a wall up because a friend he trusted let him down. This is an admirable quality because it means that you don't take the let down personally. You are able to give freely without expecting anything in return. Many people would call you a sucker or naive, but it is actually on a higher level, I think . In this way, ego is not involved.
My brother is a special person and certain difficult life circumstances have led him to this mindset. But then again, not everyone in his situation would gain what he has.
You say that she found something she needed. I guess I wanted to be needed and this has been my drama in the past. When I am no longer needed by others, I feel sort of useless. Maybe I am codependent?
I think I have those tendencies, but I working to try to change that.
Also, this is just an extension of the ego thing that pageo was talking about, I think. Needing to be needed is probably tied to the ego.
I think people do just grow out of each other. It sometimes just happens, through the passage of time. It is nobody's fault.
But before deciding this is what has happened to you and her, I think you should talk to her. It could be she thinks you have gone off her, while you think the same of her too, and you are both misunderstanding the other. For example she could think that you think she was more fun when her husband was around and has become boring since he died. You can only know by asking her.
I am another person who could be said to complain. But I think for some of us that is just the way we communicate, we are not necessarily unhappy, it just can be easier to take a negative view sometimes. But other people can misunderstand and think we are actually unhappy and find it a bit too much.
However, the lateness is definitely something you can work on. I think it is too easy to just blame him. She is your friend and has invited you, so you have the responsibility of being there on time. He is an adult, he can shop on his own and come along later, or not at all, or he could write the list and you could shop in advance without him. You could invite her to your house instead, or meet at a restaurant and eat out, or get takeout at her place.
Either way I think you should speak to him about it. If someone has kindly invited you to their home, especially as she is your friend not his, it is rude to be continually late and even if she says she does not mind it, she may be being polite. And even if she truly does not mind, it is basic politeness to show up when you say you will. People being late is a bugbear of mine, I cannot stand it. I know this is my own feeling and everyone has their own opinions, many do not care one way or the other.
Interestingly, my friend contacted me last week and we went to an art show after months of not seeing one another. Our relationship has changed, but she admits that she has been busier than ever before and that she has not seen many other friends, either.
I admit I am relieved that she reached out. Its funny because my anger goes away when this happens and I act like everything is fine. On the other had, maybe everything is fine and I can accept that things have changed, but at least we still talk from time to time.