Hidradenitis Suppurativa Support Group
Hidradenitis suppurativa (hi-drad-uh-NIE-tis sup-yoo-ruh-TIE-vuh) is rare, long-term skin condition that features small, painful lumps under the skin. The disease manifests as clusters of chronic abscesses or boils, sometimes as large as baseballs, that are extremely painful to the touch and may persist for years with occasional to frequent periods of inflammation,...
OKAY, I KNOW that real love has no shallow discrepancies towards physical appearance, especially with something like HS and acne. I am in love with a man, and he tells me he loves me too. He has seen my body, with mild flare-ups in the light, has told me I am beautiful and makes me feel like the most gorgeous woman alive. He has since left to work overseas for the past 8 months and is now talking about moving back. Even though I remember the "beautiful" feelings of being with him and I completely remember not feeling overly self conscious, I now find with talks of his return I shudder with fear. I know we both want marriage in our near future but for some reason my confidence has dilapidated. I know I was confident before because I lucked out on all of our dates and night together with very very very mild symptoms, mind you there were still tell tale signs (my scarred up underarms, thighs and groin) but now, I fear that he is such a good, amazing man .... that he deserves a beautiful, flawless beauty queen. And I, just don't make the cut. Does anyone have suggestions on having the "this is my disease, how its caused, what happens" talk and maybe some stories of your relationships, has it taken a toll on your relationship? Has your significant other always been completely understanding? I feel so retarded because I know if the situation were reversed I wouldn't care as long as I could call him mine, but my insecurities have been taking over recently and I just need a few good pep talks to get my head back in the game of life. :)
This is not lying. There are things that people just don't need to know until they get serious. I mean, what would you think about a guy who gave you his medical history as soon as you start dating? His medical condition might not weird you out but you'd probably be weirded out that he told you so soon. It's not like you'd ever consider going around with a t-shirt that says "I have hs, it looks like this and does this. And I progresses. Wanna hit that?" So why would you discuss it with every guy you go on a date with?
Also, from another perspective, people need the chance to get to know you. When I first started having this problem I kindof used it to ward guys off. "if I tell him now and he leaves then it won't hurt as much." but that's wrong. Sortof. The guy that's the right guy will stick around no matter what your skin does. But even the most angelic guy needs to know you as a person first, and a "disease" second.
Plus when I told a guy about it too early it always felt like I was begging him to still date me. And that sucked. Girls are supposed to be pursued, not begging. And even though we have HS, we still deserve to be pursued.
Everyone has something bad about them. I love my fianc, but he's not perfect. He knows what his flaws are, but he didn't come out and list them when we were first dating. And I didn't tell him about my skin. Both of us let that stuff come up naturally. My stuff didn't come up until we started getting physical. Honestly I read up on how to bring that stuff up (there are actual articles online about how to tell your partner about scars etc). Everything I read said to let it come up naturally. Don't have a big dramatic sit down about it and show him it all. It said to tell him in the moment. Be kissing him and getting serious and then tell him you have some skin stuff "down there" that isn't pretty but isn't anything he can catch. Keep the lights down low if you worry about it. And more than likely it won't even phase him. Granted it's probably best to do it when you aren't...leaking.
Honestly this worked fine for me. He was sooo into what we were doing it didn't even matter. Afterwards he asked me questions, but nothing major, just if they hurt, etc. And then he kissed one of my scars.
But no, it's not lying to not tell someone about something deeply personal until you are ready to be deeply personal with them.
Sorry for the long replies, these are just some things I've thought a lot about. I didn't know what my skin condition was until recently, but I've been trying to figure out how to live with it for years. That and I type really fast and talk a lot...
Unfortunately, HS has interfered with being intimate with my hubby. The pain of active, open lesions on my groin and labia rules out any bumping and grinding. Lesions on the back of my neck rule out another alternative. I do worry about the strain this is putting on my marriage, but I can say that having to hold back on the physical intimacy has placed more emphasis on our emotional intimacy. Our emotional intimacy has grown by leaps and bounds over the years.