Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
I am going through a life transition and have decided I want to deal with all of my issues or anything holding me back.
A big one being sex, and I don't even know where to start figuring it out.
It is hard for me to relax. I was abused a lot growing up and its like I have these automatic walls that wont let me enjoy it the way I want to. I have had good sex, but its like there is always something missing, and it has nothing to do with most the partners I have been with. I have never had that mind-blowing orgasm I hear about. and I've never had one at all just from intercourse alone.
It has been hard for me to experiment, cause its almost like I get really shy and nervous when introduced with new things, but not that I don't want to try.
My body has a defense mechanism, and that is to go numb. its annoying. but at times can also be over sensitive to the point I can't handle light touches or it makes my skin crawl.
I know, i'm a mess. but I figured there is probably someone out there with similar experiences, and wondering how you got through it.
I'm just getting out of a long term relationship that was fairly emotionally abusive, and well, I need my confidence again. And I want to be able to have good sex without something being entirely emotional, or me feeling bad or dirty about it in the morning like i did something wrong.
I want good sex where I feel beautiful, strong, and satisfied. I don't want to feel obligated to a relationship.
A big one being sex, and I don't even know where to start figuring it out.
It is hard for me to relax. I was abused a lot growing up and its like I have these automatic walls that wont let me enjoy it the way I want to. I have had good sex, but its like there is always something missing, and it has nothing to do with most the partners I have been with. I have never had that mind-blowing orgasm I hear about. and I've never had one at all just from intercourse alone.
It has been hard for me to experiment, cause its almost like I get really shy and nervous when introduced with new things, but not that I don't want to try.
My body has a defense mechanism, and that is to go numb. its annoying. but at times can also be over sensitive to the point I can't handle light touches or it makes my skin crawl.
I know, i'm a mess. but I figured there is probably someone out there with similar experiences, and wondering how you got through it.
I'm just getting out of a long term relationship that was fairly emotionally abusive, and well, I need my confidence again. And I want to be able to have good sex without something being entirely emotional, or me feeling bad or dirty about it in the morning like i did something wrong.
I want good sex where I feel beautiful, strong, and satisfied. I don't want to feel obligated to a relationship.
I understand your feelings and to be honest I have been through something very similar in my younger years. Being a child that was molested growing up I have had a life of sexual issues, ticks, and inhibitions. I had a very hard time dealing with sexuality and especially with a partner. I can tell you that therapy did nothing for me. I can say that one thing that did help is masturbation. When you have mental blocks in place that prevent you from enjoying something that is the most amazing feeling in the world you have to become both comfortable and familiar with your body to the point that you can relax.
I also found that desire has a lot to do with it also. Self pleasure is good , but making love with the right person is unbeatable! Try not focusing on sex. Try making a relationship with someone and learning to love them, before bringing sex into the equation. I found that masturbation was great for the physical need of getting off , but lack the emotional need of being loved. So many people confuse love with sex also. They are not the same thing! Maybe its my old school upbringing that made me the way I am, but I have always felt sex was a expression of love and not the defining factor.
Have you ever been able to reach satisfaction fro m self pleasure?
Have you ever talk with a sex therapist spacifically about these issues?
Hows your self esteem!
own bodies than a man would be of that same body. I'm sure you know that men are "visual creatures". We like to look at lady parts.
Otherwise there would be no porn industry.
My girlfriend is always trying to get the room darker and I'm the opposite. I want to see every inch of her. Any man who expects perfection needs to look in the mirror. And he would probably be an asshole that you wouldnt want to be around anyway.
If your man chose you as his sex partner [ and you chose him] , then he obviously likes what he sees.
My GF and I sometimes play the old rate 'em on a 1 to 10 for looks alone. I know it's shallow and we just do it for fun but i want to make a point. 95% of the time I rate a female higher than she does . And often by a substantial amount. Women tend to be their own worst critics.
You know what makes a man more horny than anything ? His partner
being [or at least acting] horny ..with him of course.
Dont worry about the lights. If you're really into the sex , you just went from a 7 to a 9 in less than 5 minutes.
you can go from a 4 to a 6 just by believing you're a 6. Self confidence
is a desirable trait in women as it is in men.
Also the right clothes can help. For example black dresses on women
are both sexy and make you look more slender if that is an issue.
Vertical stripes make you taller.
You may be tall and thin...I have no way of knowing.
I'm just putting that out there for the ladies who are uncomfortable
with their size.
By the way, different men have different opinions about the size they
like. My GF is 5 ft 7 in 125 lbs . I think its great but my 6 ft 3 in 270 lbs
friend thinks she's "scrawny as hell...needs to put some meat on her bones."
You want someone who can help you work through & deal with the body memories, the disassociation, the numbing out.
The abuse growing up is what opens the door for you to be with an abuser as an adult, it's like you were groomed for it from the start. You can change this, it takes time. One of the things you want to do is have someone help you separate/differentiate between what is a flashback, where you are triggered & sent into the past, & what is happening in the present (hopefully with a non-abusive person from here on out).
It takes time, it takes work. It takes learning to love yourself & learning to trust yourself. I know it's a lot & I know it's hard, but it CAN be done, & you can do it!
Abuse does make it harder and I'm very sorry you went through that.
If you can focus on the good sensations and not stress over the orgasm, it can be a lot of fun. The right partner can make all the difference.
I am here to tell you it can and does get better. Because for me being raped as a very young teen was not only painful and not just one guy..it was quite brutal and I was messed up so bad , but yet, numb.
eventually I enjoyed sex after marriage , but I cried hysterically after each time. My poor husband !
Everything with sex in my mind was so mixed up with pain, and feelings of being dirty .
forward to now, husband died, menopause happened ; thought sex was done .
but am having best sex of my life though I was more than reluctant to try, thank goodness I was blessed with a very sexy kind younger man , and he somehow got me over the hump. or allowed me to, I guess.
pardon the pun. hang in there. I just wrote on another post about how to breathe and relax ; maybe that w/help you too?
I never ever wanted the lights on , even back when I was younger and therefore, you know, more technically better looking
now all life has made my body go to hell in a way but because I got the right attention from the right guy at the perfect time in my life, I am like you know what, "F" it ! I don't care , and now I like myself.
And the first time with him, he had all the lights on.....I said whoa wait a minute, it feels like I am about to have surgery ! ( I mean a lot of light and overhead too ) I told him at least turn some off.
But i got through it.
I read in a woman's magazine once how we women are worried, during sex about our fat thighs or something and the man is thrilled about our thighs , and that when you are the naked woman in the room with him, to trust he is enjoying you. That article really truly helped for me.