heyvee, thank you for opening up this topic of conversation here. I have wanted to ask/address something like this but have been too afraid.

I may be able to offer some support for you both. Not afraid to talk about it. It is what it is for me.
The reasons behind your situation can be really different, but I can tell you what happened to me, what my issue was and how i was able to overcome that problem.
I wont go into too many details but basically i was sort pushed into sex at 14, raped at 16, and had some serious mommy issues ( she was a drunk, bilolar super-slut and told me it was perfectly normal if i do the same, and at one point pimped me out for a short time).
I am sure you are familiar with the guilt, the shame, the helplessness, yadda, yadda, yadda. After running in that hamsterwheel for a while, you start missing some intimacy, but the damage has been done. To deal with trauma, most people shove it down and pretend they are emotionally dead. Body will heal, but the emotional violation of rape sometimes can never be relaired. The good news is you CAN do it, if you put your mind to it.
So, as an ex rape survivor ( that's the first step - do not label yourself a " rape victim" . Survivor. ) you want some intimacy, emotional closeness, but you cant allow yourself to feel because feeling again can mean re-living the trauma.
Many rape victims engage in casual, promiscusous sex because one-nighters and fuck buddies are self-limiting events. No attachement means that if this person hurts you physically or emotionally, you can get over it quickly. Why have the flu when you can choose to have a cold? However, after the trauma of rape one must trust their partner to really relax and enjoy the sex to the fullest.
It is impossible to achieve with causal banging with the bad history on our backs.

Living like this is unfortunately perpetuating the effects of trauma even though it is a lot easier.

I made a conscious choice to stop settling for " quickies" and just realize that i need to trust whoever I am with to have the relationship I want and to have the sex I want.
The event that happened needs to be addressed to the fullest and grief process must be completed till the end. If you shoved it down, likely you have not finished grieving.
Accept an unfortunate event as a normal part of living. We are just like everyone else. All people go through trauma.
Many people have hurt me, this is just the way of life, but it doesnt scare me what so ever. I have great confidence in myself and i know that if someone hurts me again, i can handle it, just like i can handle anything else. So, if i am with someone i really let this person in, meditate and turn everything off in the bedroom.
The partner also does not need to know right away. I dont want anyone feeling inadequate, sorry for me or walking on egg shells. However, it would be a good idea to let him know what you don't like.
For example, hair pulling, pinning to the bed or butthole surprise obviously could be a HUGE problem ;-)
Practicing on your own is very important. That way you can tell him what feels good and learn to associate what you do to what he recreates as being " safe".
I like drunk sex.. After a few drinks with the right person i am definitely super relaxed and don't give a flying s--t about what happened to me before.
Ride the pony. If you take control, you will likely feel empowered.
To summarize it all - it takes effort, practice, coaching yourself, but it will happen.
I could not make anything happen until i was way over 18.
No i can have indefinite amount of orgasms of all different kinds. I tried to count once, but after 22 i was too tired to keep score.
Good luck.

Aronia, many heart-felt thanks (heyvee, I don't mean to hi-jack your post...) I'd like to reply to some of the things you mentioned here in this arena instead of privately because I think part of the point to doing these groups is to be as honest as possible in an anonymous setting (which is difficult for me in many ways, the honesty thing). Plus I think there are lots of people who could benefit from reading other people's "public" comments.

Guilt, shame, and helplessness are all things I am closely familiar with. While I have no memory of being raped, I learned from an early age that "sex is bad," mainly through church and family influences. The way I was raised, in general, produced a heavy amount of these sorts of feelings.

The string of shallow relationships I had had in college helped me break out of my shell (at last, freedom) but also perpetuated the emotional pain I had shoved down for as many years as I had been alive.

One of the main reasons why I chose to "settle down" 10 years ago was so that I wouldn't feel so out of control with the sex thing. It wasn't until a few years ago that I was ready to admit and face the fact that they guy I had been with all this time and later married is an emotional and verbal abuser. Enter my awakening to codependency and the role it has played in my life, my parents' lives, my husband's life, and his parents' lives.

So I don't know why I am sharing these details about my life in this group except that I just want to say that I appreciate your openness and wanted to reciprocate.

I will need to work on speaking up about what I like and don't like in the bedroom. That is overwhelming me as I type this. I've always had trouble with speaking up.

I've been practicing on my own since I was little, but the more I reflect on it the more I think it was a way to cope with depression and anxiety. Even now. Since I've been with my husband, I've tried to back off on it because it just made me feel more guilty than it usually would used to make me feel.

I don't drink, so maybe I should start :)

Riding the pony, as you say, used to be something I liked, now I almost despise it because it was the ONLY way my husband ever wanted to do it. Plus I got to the point with him (with all the name-calling etc.) that that position made me feel self-conscious...like if I enjoyed it too much or moved around in a way I needed to in order for it to feel good, that it would just be one more reason why his words were true. I'm a bit stronger now, so I've been able to shut down the name calling pretty effectively, but still...words hurt, you know?

So 22 at one time? In a row? Good lord how is that possible??!!

FreeToChoose - it is really good of you to openly talk about it. I can imagine it has to be really difficult.
Marrying a guy who is a jerk is exactly the product of not allowing yourself to feel IMO. Just like the unattached sex, it happens because some of us can't distiguish good from bad emotionally, so abusive men seem normal, familiar. I do not see it as co-dependency at all.
It is more like detachment for being in-tune with yourself.

I respect people's faith in God, but this is exactly why i chose to remain an atheist - no one in my culture ever threattened me with burning in hell and public shame in regards to sex and masturbation.
One the biggest " sins" was food wasting! LOL .. Not sex.
So, this is definitely going to be a tough one for you. i don't know how to break it, because I was never tied this strongly to a hypothetical being.
I can only suggest that maybe you can try hanging out with atheists for a bit, just until you get the sex thing figured out ? Or search for a Christian sex therapist who will convince you that God is OK with you having sex. Either way.. This definitely needs to be explored.
The other part is, the man has to be a good guy. If a man is selfish in general, he will be selfish in bed too and this is not therapuetic for recovery, imo. In my case i met my first husband who did everything and anything to make me feel good, but it was only a component of recovery, not the cure. Most of the work was psychological.
i used my inappropriate coping mechanisms for the good - disassociate from unlleasant memories during sex, lower into a state of mild trance, focus on pleasant sensations.
It is doable. I can honestly say that i am completely over everything that happened. I rule my castle. Visitors welcome. Torture dungeon under construction.

Wow, incredibly well said. And I think you hit on something that I couldn't really put into words myself.

My husband has been an atheist until a few weeks ago. Yesterday he wrote me an painfully detailed email describing what had happened with all the hows and whys. I could print it, frame it, and hang it on the wall. It is proof for me that God hears us, helps us, redeems us, and works everything together for good.

But I respect that not everyone feels this way about God. After all, it has been said that he is only a projection of a crazy person's mind. All I can say to that is that if there hadn't been intelligent design behind our minds, then we could not be able to rely on our minds to discount him as existent.

But anyway. Thank you for everything you said. The detachment thing was good...codependency is an easy term to slap on a lot of stuff and seems to be a good way to explain some of my irrational behaviors behind why I am still with this guy.

But yeah. There's deeper stuff there. So glad to have a forum like this to help get a handle on it. I think it will make my transition easier when I do start seeing a licensed professional since I've already had the chance to put my feelings into coherent sentences.

Sometimes the hardest things is to start telling the truth. This is exactly the place that I'm at...differentiating between the truth and non-truth.

I wish you all the best and hope you will succeed.
I just would like to offer you some thought.
Jesus Christ died on the cross in front a crowd as means of protest and for a greater cause, like a soldiers died by throwing themselves in the line of fire so their comrads could proceed unharmed.
Jesus Christ did not do his protest by staying in a household with an abusive spouse or parent, he never said we should do the same and the bravest of soildiere have never shot themselves in the foot for fun while no one was looking.
I support suffering for a greater cause, but when there are no clear cut reasons, we must look inside ourselves and evaluate our fears, because sometimes useless suffering is safer than the unknown road to freedom.

Dearest heyvee , I am a lot older then you , was married for most of my adult life and faked every orgasm I never had for the sake of my ex's ego ..I have had many partners before him and after . I have never been sexually abused and my heart so goes out to you . In my entire life , I have never had an orgasm with a man . I used to pleasure myself to climax but am not even able to do that now .. I am under the care of a sex therapist but it's a long process . I can't figure out why my body will not reach an orgasm because I love sex especially bdsm oriented .. Sweetie , don't give up as I did so many years ago . Now , I have an entire lifetime of trying to get to the bottom of my issues . My advice to you is to see a great sex therapist . Don't settle . Interview them until you find the right fit for you . My prayers and sisterhood are with you . I will keep you in my prayers if you don't mind . I am a strong believer . You have your entire life ahead of you . Do whatever you can to bring yourself healthy pleasure . I will be thinking of you ..

You are all incredible. Honestly...such open and heartfelt posts. I cant thank you all enough for all of the stories you have shares. I definitely need to get to the root of my problems and I do think it starts with facing the truth about my rape. I never realized thus until now but....I have major codependency issues and have been in a string of relationships/dates/casual sex with emotionally abusive people who I have latched onto despite knowing they were bad....
I remember after I got raped I came back to the man who rapes me because I didn't want to believe it was true. I was wasted and he was 18 and he got me drunk, I met him through my best friend, etc etc
I think my codependency started at that moment. And I never realized it. .q

I know i am a guy and all.. But if your sexual partner is not meeting you on an emotional level you'd have a hard time coming to orgasm whether you were raped or not. Issues from the rape might play into the equation. But what is HE like in bed? Is he romantic, caring and sees you as special or does he view you as a sex friend only, not understanding that men and women are different in what they want from sex as a general rule. If there is no love involved in the sexual relating than I'm turned off myself. So why would you not be? I am also very sorry for the sexual abuse you recieved when you were fifteen. That is horrific. You are still just as innocent, as pure, and as beautiful today after that abuse as you were before the abuse. A pedophile can't steal that from you. If you haven,t heard this before, then you are hearing it now. A contrary image of yourself,totally undeserved may be part of the reason you have problem having an orgasm during sexual relating. That among other possible reasons. But I am not free to put my finger on the REAL why.

Your problems are definitely psychological since you are able to orgasm with yourself. I like the suggestion of seeing a sex therapist and
I would add that it should probably be a woman as that would help you
be completely honest.
I can tell you that I had a girlfriend with the same problem. Could orgasm alone but not with me or any other man. I was never able to give her an orgasm with penetration but finally had a breakthrough using my hands, while she used her hands on herself too. Im not trying to take credit because she had to help but it was the first time she had ever orgasmed "with " someone else. It definitely turned out to be a trust issue because I remember her telling me how vulnerable she felt during sex. After we were together for awhile she could orgasm about 80% of the time..no reason to fake it because she had already told me about the problem and not to expect her to orgasm. Im sure your sexual abuse must have an impact on your brain allowing your body to release. It make sense
as a self protection mechanism even if its subconscious. I feel
compassion for your situation and hope you can find the answer.

Most women do not orgasm from penetrative sex.
I agree with everything here about dealing with the psychological issues of security, etc.
Check out dodsonandross.com

Thank you all so much for your advice....
I just realized this but I think maybe what I went through when I was 15 is what has created my extreme codependency issues. I have found that I latch onto people and cant really have an identity of my own unless I am attached to or meaningful to another person.
I have been in strings of unhealthy relationships with emotionally draining, abusive, fucked up people and I feel like my inability to let go of them is because of my experience. When I was raped, it was by a friends friend and I was in shock, so much so that I tried to convince myself that it didnt happen, and actually went back to my abuser. Is this common with rape? I know that in physically abusive relationships it is common for the abused to go back to their abuser......
I think that after my experience I not only inherited these sexual issues but I also learned to embrace violence and negativity and lies in all of my relationships......never quite feeling comfortable, always doubtful, but too attached to let go....

I will definitely look into a sexual therapist. I am in therapy now but have not brought this topic up yet with my therapist...as my current issues involve codependency, getting over my ex boyfriend who was supposedly a psychopath, among other things. Maybe if I bring this up it will explain a lot of the behaviors I have been dealing with.

Thank you all again for your incredibly helpful advice. You are beautiful, wonderful people. I am truly blessed

I am not aware of too many people going back to the abuser, but i am familiar with people gravitating towards more abuse from other people. However, just because this is what happened to you, it doesnt mean that you are worse or better than others. It is just different.
You did what you did to get through the day the best way you knew how. It is better than overdosing on pills out of desperation.

someone told me one time when i was around 14 that men are users, they only want one thing, they are animals, etc etc. When i got raped it symbolically re-inforced that statement in my mind. I didn't become a man-hater, but I definitely held my men to pretty low standards and accepted bullshit as normal.

"Or is it because I am just terrified of that vulnerability with someone else and can only experience it when I am alone?"

Yep, I think that's it. Rape is a violation of you, and is all about HIS pleasure. I'm sorry you went through that. A rapist is a poor excuse for a male lover.

Find a male who can be similarly emotionally sensitive and vulnerable, in touch with your feelings as well as his, cares about how you feel when he touches you, yet is in touch with his masculinity and able to satisfy you with his penis, and you should be golden, able to relax and enjoy the sensations of him enough to climax.

I'm such a man and am up for grabs LOL!

Heyvee,

It sounds like you feel that some of the input you've received here is helpful, which is great to see. I hope that you will be able to keep moving forward, get to the root causes of why you feel doubtful and uncomfortable, and then work on them.

I wanted to comment just because you mentioned codependency a few times, which is something I'm working on for myself. One of the most-insightful definitions, to me, is that "Codependency is pain in adulthood that results form unhealed wounds in childhood." There can be one source of the wound or many. If many, they can be interconnected or independent from each other. No one can tell you what the wounds are (it's only something that you can find out through self-reflection and possibly through talking with objective, unbiased third parties), but once you identify them and come to terms with them, you can work to resolve them and to "get better."

Getting better gets harder as time goes on, but it is never too late. Getting better is never easy, but few really-important things are ever easy.

Good luck.