As far as I'm concerned, and I'm old school, if a bloke is in a relationship he is cheating on his partner if he watches porn in addition to. You though made a grave mistake when you watched porn with him, why did you do such a foolish thing?

You are not wrong to snoop, however I'm sure you will agree it is a meaningless cause. You gave him the green light when you shared porn watching with him and I see no desirable resolution to your problem because of it.

I would say your bf has become addicted to porn and as a result is unwell because of it, telling him he has a problem may be a futile exercise though, but you could suggest it as you have nothing at all to lose.

Bottom line, if he refuses to give up his porn watching then leave him.

Awe sweetie, almost everything you are saying I can relate to. Im sorry I really don't have any advise, other that, do what makes you happy.
If you need to vent, you can private message me. I will listen. I know it helps, some people don't understand. It is a very difficult situation to be in. It makes you feel like its you, IT IS NOT YOU! there is probably some truth to him saying he doesn't want it to wear out, but he could handle it different. Men don't always have the foresight to realize that they are hurting us more than they think. We are much deeper thinkers in general. He is most likely just thinking about himself, and the task at hand- lol. so to speak. You have to tell him you are not sexually satisfied. Im sure that will make him get mad or defensive too though. I have one like that.- At that point, what he's really saying to you is that he doesn't know how to handle what you are saying to him, so he gets defensive. Or he just doesn't want to deal with it. Good luck dear!

You did nothing wrong by watching porn with him. A hell of a lot of couples watch porn together and I doubt it caused an addiction to it. I'd guess he was already addicted when you were dating. You will have to turn up the heat and force him to realize which he wants, you or the porn. jmo

I agree with itson. I doubt that there are any couples that go "I've never watched porn before, but I watched it with my wife, and now I'm addicted". His addiction existed prior to that, he's just gotten sloppier about trying to hide it. I would recommend couple's counseling. It might help you guys out. The porn isn't the concern here (at least not in my eyes). It's all the lying to you about it, and the hiding it. Talk to a couple's counselor, and if that doesn't work, honestly, it might be time to move on. You shouldn't be in a relationship where every day is a struggle just to move forward with that person

Well you have been given some good advice so far. Try a different approach. Make him jelous by watching porn on your lap top. I mean take matter into your own hands and maybe even try pleasing yourself once in awhile. Give him a taste of his own medicin and see how he likes it. Otherwise I am affraid your only choice is to give him the untimatum of you or the porn.

What type of porn dose he watch ? That could be a key issue too as to why he lost interest.


Best of luck !

So ask yourself this question: "Do you really love this guy?" "Does he possess all the qualities in a man that I am looking for?" Think long and hard about those questions before taking any action. Really think about that. I think you will come up with 3 possible answer: 1. Most definitely Yes. He is the man of my dreams. 2. "Yes, but if he only did this or that differently .... 3. No.

If the answer is #3 No. Then my advice to you is dump him right away. If the answer is #1 or #2, I think you should take an unorthodox approach to solving this problem. First and foremost, this is not 'your' problem to solve nor is it 'his" problem to solve. In the context of your relationship, it is "both" of your problem to solve together.

The "Honey Moon Stage" of your relationship is over ( I think) and you are now moving into the whatever the phase is called after the "Honey Moon Stage. For a lack of a better term, I guess I will call it the "True Love" stage. The "True Love" stage may not be as "sexually exciting" has the "Honey Moon Stage", but it can be a miraculously profound stage.. It gets to the core of what "True Love" is all about. Other factors like friendship, caring, understanding, romance, sharing responsibilities, being available, listening, caring, and taking time to try to make your partner feel as good about themselves as they can.... come into play.

So I think the wrong approach is to try to 'perform" more sexually for him. Or jump thru hoops to get him sexually excited about you more so that he stops watching porn. I have a feeling that the harder you try to do that, the more frustrated you will get. He might stop temporarily, but he will go back to his old porn habits in time.

The reason he watches porn because its "easy", "doesn't require work" and you both have exited the "Honey Moon Stage". It isn't his fault and it isn't your fault. It just is what it is.

So I would suggest to you, if your answers were #2 or #3, is to sit him down and have a candid discussion with him. Explain to him that you both have excited the "Honey Moon Stage" and you both need to put to work at being that best people you can possibly be and that your relationship needs to progress into a mature love or "True Love". Tell him that his porn watching hurts your self esteem and makes you feel undesirable. Don't be afraid to tell him exactly how you feel. But don't tell him in a way that puts the pressure on him. Put it in a way that it is both your responsibilities to solve the problem together. If he feels pressure or feels like you are nagging, he won't look at you as partner in problem solving process, but just an added stressor in the problem solving process. So ask him what he thinks you can both do to make this better. Ask him, if you can watch porn with him. Ask him if you can be involved with it and be incorporated with that side of him. Ask him if there is a way he can open that door into his sexual side that involves you in the process. If he is a good guy, he will add suggestions and how to solve the problem too. If he feels and understands that you love him and you care about him, he may realize that he has a problem with porn and he may think that he needs to make adjustments to his behavior in such a way that makes the both or your relationship better. More profound. A True Love. A mature love. I am willing to bet that if you explain it to him and let him know that you really love him, he will also get excited about this new stage in your relationship. He needs to understand that "True Love" is exciting.

If you sit him down and talk with him. Not in an accusing or nagging way, but as a cheerleader for your relationship, He might get as excited as you are about it. Constant communication.

If he doesn't respond well to your communication.... dump him.

I think all these replies are good.
Kendra you're right guys do watch porn, guys masturbate,
So do girls they watch porn, they masturbate, ..

There's nothing wrong with either sex doing it, whether in a relationship or not. If you have a mate though, the masturbation & porn should not be done more than you spend time with your mate, unless they are away alot like truck drivers.

That was fugged up what he said about 'routine' I've been married for 10 yrs now to my 2nd wife the only reason we aren't having sex as much as week one (which was alot compared to most we hear about.)is b/c we both have health issues,but we would be if it weren't for those health issues .

We are still in love as much as we were when we met.
I can't understand why a guy would rather beat the meat than be with a woman if she's there wanting him.

It has been proven, men that are addicted to porn view woman in a unrealistic way. Not all women are a size 2, and have fake EVERYTHING. Thise women don't tell you their problems, have "issues" and always look Hot... And in their minds "want" them. No talking, no cuddling.. None of the nonsense that comes from a GF or W. Men can get erectile dysfunction because of it. Because they are unable to preform with a Normal woman.

Any addiction is about obsession. No obsession is healthy but lot of the porn out there isn't particularly healthy Porn either. First thing I'd concern myself with is the kind of porn he's watching. What he watches is like an eye into the psyche. Just recently a friend I've known for many years and I were taking about online porn and he got very animated and obviously excited (no, not that way) telling me about this anal fisting porn he watches. Now who the hell would want to watch a man cram his fist in a woman's bum. I've not been able to look at him the same since. If it's the sick stuff that interests him you may have a much bigger problem on your hands than you think you do. Anyways, as long as it isn't deviant porn, you need to lay it on the line with him. This isn't an occasional look, he's tossing off every day and leaving you cold. Work with him on cutting it back and if he doesn't or just lies about it maybe you need a change of partner to someone who's interested in you more than spraying his seed on a pixelated image on a plastic screen.

I can only know what I've experienced in my own addiction to and obsession with porn when I was in my 20s: It's a slippery slope. It creates a spoon-fed dopamine high, lust is generated entirely visually, and whatever kink a guy wants is at his fingertips with the click of a mouse.

When it replaces YOU, a flesh and blood honey, who actually CARES about him, I'd say it's a problem. He's right about too much sex becoming routine. This also applies to his masturbation! Too much of a good thing, even tossing off, is not a good thing, as higher and higher thrills are needed to create the same dopamine high in his brain. Some of the acrobatic feats these porn performers do are absolutely insane! How can mere mortals measure up?

Porn is a pure visual, sizzling fantasy. However, at some point in the insanity of it, we have to come back down to some semblence of what could be called reality. I've tapered off my useage of it, partially because I'm older, and partially because I know the dangerously slippery slope of addiction to it. The occasional viewing spices up life. Everyday sneakage of it, as you've experienced, undermines loving relationships, rots his brain and corrodes/will ultimately destroy his spirit.

He's got to be careful with it, not only if he doesn't want to lose you, but for the sake of his own psyche and soul.

You are still early in your relationship, if he cannot see you are not happy, you should end it. I know how hard it is but if he is serious about you, he will straighten up. Sex is emotion put into action. It will lead to him not waiting you more and more. Trust me. I'm almost five years into a sexless relationship and I'm dying inside. I, like you, tried everything.. it just doesn't matter to him. Porn is the winner.

Hi all, thank you so much for all of your kind words and replies. This has been hard for me because I really am happy with him in every other way. We are so compatible, supportive of each other, and he is my best friend. I really want to make this work. It's just so difficult when every day is a struggle as to how I should act sexually towards him. The newest development is that today I discovered he changed his password on his iPad so I can no longer snoop. Which is maybe good for both of us because looking at it just made me feel worse every time. It also makes me wonder if he realizes I've been looking.
I've had a lot of alone time in the past couple of weeks, and I've watched porn a few times, but I really don't enjoy it. I really only do it because I feel like I'm "getting back" at him (even though he doesn't even know I'm doing it...weird logic). Afterwards I don't even feel better, because it doesn't give me much pleasure. I'd rather use my imagination and think about him, and things we've done together. Which honestly makes me feel worse because I know he doesn't think about me during his "alone time". He has even told me that he fantasizes about other women.
I think that he is still under the impression that I'm upset over the AMOUNT of sex we have, when that's really not it. I just feel like if you are horny for porn/alone time every day, you should be horny for actual sex every day. I think a small amount of porn use could be healthy if it does not diminish your actual sexual relationship.
I think some of you are right, that the harder I try, the worse I will feel because it won't do any good. I'll only get more frustrated. I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle where I act kind of stand-offish towards him (because who wants to fool around with a woman who's hanging all over you all the time), but that probably just makes him even less inclined to have sex with me (who wants to have sex with a stand-offish woman?).
I don't think he watches anything too deviant, although I really try not to look at the actual content or titles of the videos he watches. I just look at whether or not the porn site was opened and that's about it.
I know it's not really "cheating", but I feel like I've started to see it that way. I see it as him sleeping with me, or him getting off from other women. Which is really what it is. Although I can't really call that "cheating", per se, I just feel betrayed by it.
Porn never used to bother me so much (he actually admits he used to watch at least 4 times a day before we lived together, and now he's cut down), but now I feel like I'm developing a really bitter, unhealthy hatred for it.

Hi Kendra,
I went through a similar situation with my bf recently, but my thinking is similar to OldCodger in that I personally view porn as a form of cheating while in a relationship. But that's just me.

If it's not the porn per se that is bothering you, but the amount of porn that he's watching or the fact that he's turning you down for sex only to watch porn a short while later, those are the things you should bring up with him. If you are both truly committed to working through it, I strongly suggest attending a couples session with a counselor. They can really help get the communication going...which is not an easy thing to do when talking about a really emotional topic like this.

Also, you might also find a lot of help and support in the sex/pornography addiction DS group.

Wow! A lot of people wrote a short bio about your situation, probably because they have experienced something similar.
I'm a typical porn watching guy. I don't hide it from my girlfriend and I do watch it with her, especially if I want to do something kinky in the bedroom. With the assistance of porn I have opened my girlfriends eyes to pleasures that she would have never experienced if she hadn't watched it.

When I was married I wanted sex just as much as you but my wife wasn't always in the mood for different reasons that I won't talk about. I started to watch porn quite often. She started to get angry with me. I couldn't really understand why. She didn't want to have sex, why be angry when I want to relieve myself. I have a strong libido. Honestly I knew that she didn't want me lusting over any woman besides her so I quit looking at porn. I tried just jerking off without porn and she still would get angry at me. I could never really understand why she had a problem with that.

Absolutely addicted to porn. If he is willing to give up human contact for porn them it's horrible. Like a drug addict, porn is his drug. If he continues to be addicted you could either get him some help or leave him. I hope the best for you~~Take care