Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
While my husband and I have a wonderful relationship emotionally, we almost never have sex. We both have issues stemming from our childhoods.
Tonight, we were going to have sex. Or baby had taken a very late nap, so she was up past normal. My husband and I had been watching a movie, Date Night, but I left him watching it so I could put our baby to bed so that we could have sex after. When I came back, there were maybe 3 minutes left in the movie. I snuggled up next to him. When the movie ended, he said, "I'm actually pretty tired." ...pause... I assumed the next part would be a request to just go to bed. Feeling sad, I shut off a little part of me. Seeing my sadness, he said I could probably still turn him on, but as I told him after a little discussion and tears, I didn't want pity sex.
He says his statement was self-protection because he gets performance anxiety every time. He says that my tearful response discourages him from being honest with me. After holding me for a while, I could tell he was almost asleep. I asked if he wanted to go to bed, to which he responded that he was afraid to answer that question.
I feel so hurt and shameful. I know that a lot my issues stem from false teachings I received about sexuality as a child. For years, I felt evil simply because I was a woman. Women are inherently sexual vixens who ensnare men and cause them to think evil thoughts. Women are not a
Supposed to want sex. Men always want sex, and it is up to the women around them to keep them safe from those desires by staying ugly. I know now that is all ridiculously false, but when my husband doesn't want sex, I feel like there is something wrong with me. And I feel so stupid for wanting sex, myself. How dare I put myself out there.
So I finally just told him to go to bed. We exchanged our love. And now I'm sitting here feeling so sad and wanting to punish myself for hoping for sex and then for crying and making him feel bad, and then for possibly even damaging the trust and honesty in our relationship. I know that this is not all my fault, and that I am not evil or stupid or unattractive. But how do I really start to believe that? And how do I have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband? Is it even possible for me to initiate without leaving myself completely vulnerable, or is vulnerability innate? Do I have to leave myself open to the possibility of hurt every time I want to have sex with my husband?
Tonight, we were going to have sex. Or baby had taken a very late nap, so she was up past normal. My husband and I had been watching a movie, Date Night, but I left him watching it so I could put our baby to bed so that we could have sex after. When I came back, there were maybe 3 minutes left in the movie. I snuggled up next to him. When the movie ended, he said, "I'm actually pretty tired." ...pause... I assumed the next part would be a request to just go to bed. Feeling sad, I shut off a little part of me. Seeing my sadness, he said I could probably still turn him on, but as I told him after a little discussion and tears, I didn't want pity sex.
He says his statement was self-protection because he gets performance anxiety every time. He says that my tearful response discourages him from being honest with me. After holding me for a while, I could tell he was almost asleep. I asked if he wanted to go to bed, to which he responded that he was afraid to answer that question.
I feel so hurt and shameful. I know that a lot my issues stem from false teachings I received about sexuality as a child. For years, I felt evil simply because I was a woman. Women are inherently sexual vixens who ensnare men and cause them to think evil thoughts. Women are not a
Supposed to want sex. Men always want sex, and it is up to the women around them to keep them safe from those desires by staying ugly. I know now that is all ridiculously false, but when my husband doesn't want sex, I feel like there is something wrong with me. And I feel so stupid for wanting sex, myself. How dare I put myself out there.
So I finally just told him to go to bed. We exchanged our love. And now I'm sitting here feeling so sad and wanting to punish myself for hoping for sex and then for crying and making him feel bad, and then for possibly even damaging the trust and honesty in our relationship. I know that this is not all my fault, and that I am not evil or stupid or unattractive. But how do I really start to believe that? And how do I have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband? Is it even possible for me to initiate without leaving myself completely vulnerable, or is vulnerability innate? Do I have to leave myself open to the possibility of hurt every time I want to have sex with my husband?
There is nothing wrong with you wanting sex with your Husband.
That is healthy and is nothing to ever be ashamed of feeling. I hope that in time you will be able to feel different.