Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I recently made a post where I was talking about a guy friend asking me out, but he admitted that he had genital herpes and I wasn't sure whether or not I should pursue the relationship. He had told from the beginning that he would understand if I didn't want to continue seeing each other and that it was up to me. I told him and explained that although he is a great guy, it wasn't something I could move past. I thought that would be the end of it, maybe a period of awkwardness, and we'd move forward. Problem is that since I've talked to him, it's as though he's refused to accept my answer. HE'S ACTING LIKE THE CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED. He continues to try and make plans with me (like date plans: movies, dinner, couple dates, etc.). I tried on one occasion to hang out as friends, along with some other friends, and he kept trying to put his arm around me and kiss me. I've turned down his offers of dates and claimed to have other plans, but he asks every single day. He also texts me many, MANY times a day to ask what I'm doing, how my day is going, what my plans for the evening are, who I'm hanging out with. He has completely disregarded my decision and I'm feeling downright smothered! I don't want to be rude or nasty to him, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep my temper in check. I'm feeling harassed by the guy and I don't even like checking my phone anymore because I know if I see a message from him, it's going to make me angry. (Also gave me some insight into what a relationship with him would have been like. He would always have to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, etc. I'm in no hurry to EVER enter another controlling relationship.)
I've dated a few guys like this before. They always needed to know what I was doing and where I was. If I wasn't busy, like just lounging around my house, they couldn't understand why I couldn't be with them. There have been at least 3 ex-boyfriends like this and they are my most recent ones that have spanned the last 3-4 years. They have asked that I stop by their jobs on my way home from my office (even though I was supposed to be at their house later anyways), needed to know exactly where I was that I came home from work an hour later than usual, I was expected to drop everything I was doing to spend time with them, they always had issues with my friends or the time I spent with them. It's been an exhausting and irritating journey, to say the least.
I also have a friend that in the last year or so, I've decided to cease communication with. She was insanely possessive, called my mother to see where I was if I wouldn't answer her (I don't live at home, god knows why my mom would know where I was at all times), showed up places she knew I'd be, bitched me out for hanging out with other friends and not inviting her, interfered in my relationships because she felt that she was more important, and has been downright vicious to my best friend because she's jealous of her.
I don't go out searching for these people. It's not like they walk around with t-shirts on proclaiming "I'M GOING TO NEED TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING AT ALL TIMES." I also have never been the one to initiate dates or relationships with these people. They have always asked me out or pursued me. I do value my alone time and sometimes all I want is to lay around in my house doing nothing, but it's not like I need to be pried out with a crow bar. I just have to be in a relationship for a good while before I'm comfortable spending time with someone daily. These people have needed me there every day, every free second from the very beginning. I end up frustrated, angry, and feeling smothered/trapped. I am independent, take care of myself, and have a lot of hobbies that aren't generally considered group activities. I don't know if there's something about me or my personality that seems to draw these types in...is it a need to conquer, control what doesn't seem controllable, become someone's priority, what?
I think I'm a pretty awesome person, but I don't think I'm so great that everyone is just dying to have my attention. I have a therapist and she's happy that I'm able to recognize the signs a little sooner than I used to, but even she can't quite figure out why this type of person seems to gravitate to me. I know I'm rambling at this point, I'm sorry, I've just gotten so irritated with this guy over the last few days and am frustrated by this pattern. Any words of advice or relevant experiences? I feel like I'm at my wit's end.
I've dated a few guys like this before. They always needed to know what I was doing and where I was. If I wasn't busy, like just lounging around my house, they couldn't understand why I couldn't be with them. There have been at least 3 ex-boyfriends like this and they are my most recent ones that have spanned the last 3-4 years. They have asked that I stop by their jobs on my way home from my office (even though I was supposed to be at their house later anyways), needed to know exactly where I was that I came home from work an hour later than usual, I was expected to drop everything I was doing to spend time with them, they always had issues with my friends or the time I spent with them. It's been an exhausting and irritating journey, to say the least.
I also have a friend that in the last year or so, I've decided to cease communication with. She was insanely possessive, called my mother to see where I was if I wouldn't answer her (I don't live at home, god knows why my mom would know where I was at all times), showed up places she knew I'd be, bitched me out for hanging out with other friends and not inviting her, interfered in my relationships because she felt that she was more important, and has been downright vicious to my best friend because she's jealous of her.
I don't go out searching for these people. It's not like they walk around with t-shirts on proclaiming "I'M GOING TO NEED TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING AT ALL TIMES." I also have never been the one to initiate dates or relationships with these people. They have always asked me out or pursued me. I do value my alone time and sometimes all I want is to lay around in my house doing nothing, but it's not like I need to be pried out with a crow bar. I just have to be in a relationship for a good while before I'm comfortable spending time with someone daily. These people have needed me there every day, every free second from the very beginning. I end up frustrated, angry, and feeling smothered/trapped. I am independent, take care of myself, and have a lot of hobbies that aren't generally considered group activities. I don't know if there's something about me or my personality that seems to draw these types in...is it a need to conquer, control what doesn't seem controllable, become someone's priority, what?
I think I'm a pretty awesome person, but I don't think I'm so great that everyone is just dying to have my attention. I have a therapist and she's happy that I'm able to recognize the signs a little sooner than I used to, but even she can't quite figure out why this type of person seems to gravitate to me. I know I'm rambling at this point, I'm sorry, I've just gotten so irritated with this guy over the last few days and am frustrated by this pattern. Any words of advice or relevant experiences? I feel like I'm at my wit's end.
Some people don't understand buy one kind of language. Keep us posted as this progresses. I would see it as a really dumb move for him to continue to bother you. Much Luck!
You sound like you are in a really confident place. Good for you!
I remember some of your past posts and this is a positive change.
Enjoying our own company is a great thing. Just keep your boundaries in place. Just a simple " Sorry, I can't, I have other plans" " sorry, no time to talk" is all that's needed. No need to get too riled up about it.
When you start to get irked at everyone wanting your company go read some posts on the loneliness board here on daily strength. It is sure to turn your ire to gratitude that people are clamoring for your attention.
That might explain why you are attracting the sad sacks of the world.
A high quality person would never pursue a "cold and dismissive" person. But a needy person who doesn't have any pride in themselves might jump through hoops because they are equating "cold and dismissive" with value.
Think about it!
For me, a person has to have their own interests, their own friends, their own life. I want them to be a part of mine, and I a part of theirs, but not the WHOLE world to each other. That is codependent and it's unhealthy. The guy that I mentioned in the beginning of this post is basically planning every single day of his week based around the ability to see me. He has flat out said that he sat at home and waited around all night to hear from me. Why? I told this person that I did not want a relationship with them. So what...sit on your couch, cross your fingers, and pretend I didn't mean it? It's even more frustrating because not only is he clinging by sending me 20 texts a day, but he also isn't listening to me or acknowledging that I do not want to date him. An example from an ex-boyfriend: I said I was going home after work, doing some chores, and then working on a painting the rest of the evening. I end up getting 4 texts asking what I'm doing...I ALREADY TOLD YOU THIS IN ADVANCE.
I think I've found a happy medium: Expressing that I enjoy someone's company part of the time, then telling them the other part of the time I need to be alone.
I used to be a needy person and co-dependent or clingy with guys. Often the men had an alcohol problem or were looking for a person to lean on. Oddly, although I was "weak" in some ways, between the two of us, I was the stronger! So after I got tired of being an enabler or a constant caregiver, I raised my standards as to what I would tolerate in a man.
I also absolutely hate it when a new guy calls me constantly and says WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Makes me feel there is a spy cam in my apartment. I feel like saying NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
LivingWater, that's exactly how it feels. When anyone, especially someone new, insists on needing to know where you are and what you're doing at all times it becomes stalker-ish. I feel like they are trying to keep tabs on me and monitor my activity. It stops being cute or sweet and crosses over into invasive really quickly.
I did sit down and talk to the guy one more time to let him where we stood. He said that he did like me a lot and hadn't wanted to just give it up, but that he would back off. As I said, we had been friends for awhile before all this, so I'm hoping he can stick to that so if nothing else, our friendship can set back on track.
Positive reason is that they like you and would like some of your ways to rub off on them.
I also can't stand that ....what are you doing constant message.
It is a big turn off to me and I back off quickly. I am a moderate person about so many things and those are the people who I get along with the best, enjoy talking to and being with.
I like my space, respect others need for space and need the together time too.