Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I just walked 5.18 miles over an hour and 40 min. in the drizzly rain after I got out of the truck when my husband started picking another fight with me. There was a miscommunication and I apologized, said I misunderstood and he said "of course you did, you always do." After telling him he never gets it when I apologize, just berates me, where's the patience when I misunderstand" and got out of the truck at a stop sign. He turned around, caught up with me and said "So, you're not going out to eat?" (We were on our way to meet up with his son.) I said 'No' and he headed back. Really? That's it? I don't know why I even expect any kind patience or understanding when I misunderstand him, he never has. The good and the bad: 2 huge blisters on the bottoms of my feet, 508 calories burned, and over 11,500 steps taken. Awesome
What are you going to do?
In this situation you describe, it's better to learn to stay calm and not react. If he needs to let off steam, let him, but you have to be the stronger person and know that nothing good comes from anger. Holding onto anger solves nothing, and anger is not an easy thing to let go of, but the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. Sleeping on the couch and continuing with that sort of action, hurts you both further.
When a person sees that you won't abandon them when they're at their worst, it scores points, and allows them to see that you care and are level-headed. When you abandon someone, it can make them crazy and they start to believe things that may not be true, adding fuel to the next argument, and each argument after that. Trivial things then become monumental and seem next to impossible to rectify.
It sounds like YOU were even meaner to yourself then he was!!
I feel it would have been much better to have gone out to dinner with his son and been warm and dry and ordered the most expensive yummy food on the menu!!
How does punishing yourself on top of HIM being mean, do you any good??
Something to think about next time!
First of all you shouldn't have gotten out of the truck... or your room... it's your bed let him leave. He becomes an ass ask him politely (don't yell) to leave. It makes people crazy if you become very calm in a stressful situation. He gets mean and nasty call the authorities.
You know him, don't expect an apology, don't play into his drama... sit there, and you may want to hit record on your cellphone so later you can play it for him, when he denies his abusive behavior.
This was for BS's but in your case it can work also...
180:
I thought this was a good thing to share with my many 'friends' here who are in need of strength and self-respect. Hugs!
What is 180 and how does it work?
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new betrayed person begin these behaviors as soon as possible. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.
So here's the list:
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that they are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? without them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying!
Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you!
More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.
This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.