Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I'm 58, she's 49, been dating for two yrs., and each of us have our own homes. We enjoy the same activities and never had fight. After a 30 yr marriage I have no desire to get married, however last night she said in a stern tone of voice "where is this relationship going? I always knew that one day this question would be asked and I basically danced around the question, not really giving a firm response.
I'm very committed to this woman, and really don't want to see this relationship end, however I can't see myself getting married again, I've been down that road and would rather not do it again, and living together without being married is not a possibility in her opinion.
Bottom line I'm fearful of marriage, and at the same time fearful I'll lose her.
It's too bad there isn't someway we could reach a compromise.
What's your thoughts?
I'm very committed to this woman, and really don't want to see this relationship end, however I can't see myself getting married again, I've been down that road and would rather not do it again, and living together without being married is not a possibility in her opinion.
Bottom line I'm fearful of marriage, and at the same time fearful I'll lose her.
It's too bad there isn't someway we could reach a compromise.
What's your thoughts?
Your situation is a lot like mine, only I am the woman and I don't want to get married!
At our ages (I am 59; Tom will be 61 on Monday) we OBVIOUSLY aren't going to have children together (other than the 4-legged kind) and while neither of us has a fear of long-term commitment, I particularly don't feel the need to have a piece of paper declaring that we are "officially" together.
Unfortunately, a lot of women seem to think that they NEED that piece of paper to feel secure in the relationship.
As you and I are both divorced after very long-term marriages, we obviously KNOW that if one of the parties wants OUT, that piece of paper isn't going to keep you together. So it IS a bit of a dilemma.
I suggest that you sit down with her and have a long talk about this. Do YOU have a desire to combine your households or would you be just as happy to keep separate addresses? Perhaps there are more practical reasons why she wants to get married (financial security, insurance purposes, etc.) These days, you don't HAVE to be married to enjoy some of the economic benefits previously allowed only among married couples.
Tom & I combined our auto insurance policies two years ago to get a better rate. The bank gave us approval for a large home equity loan (that we have never touched, but it's there if we need it) without us being married.
As a sidebar to this, Tom KNOWS that if I ever change my mind about marriage, he will have to sign a Pre-Nup agreement. I had to fight way too long and hard to get what was rightfully mine out of the divorce to take a chance on losing it in the future. He understands that and wholeheartedly agreed.
On the "spiritual" side, you can have a "commitment ceremony" with friends and clergy present if that would make her feel better.
Other than that, I don't have a lot more to offer. I hope that things work out for you, but please don't give in for fear of being alone. That would be a very bad thing!
Hugs to you.
If she wants more, like the lifelong commitment of marriage, occupying the same house, etc., well, you might have to face the fear of losing her.
To some, marriage means the relationship is no different than it is now, in which case, great, why not be married, if you're both on the same page about everything in life.
To others, they want to be married because they're not happy with the way the relationship is now, and they feel marriage will "change" the relationship somehow, which it won't.
If she's not happy, she won't be happy married either, and then you'll have to divorce, and go through all the pain and aggravation that process entails.
Stick you your guns. Risk losing her.
Did she actually mention marriage? Asking where's this relationship going doesn't automatically mean she wants marriage, although it implies she wants a change
Your aversion to marriage may be so strong that you're jumping to the wrong conclusions
"Are you asking me that because you aren't happy with something about our relationship" will find out what she's after
She would at least see where you stand and know that you care for her. The rest would be up to her. You may lose her, but you would eventually if she had a strong desire for marriage. At least talking about it helps you both get some perspective to make a decision.