My first thought is for you. The rule of an airplane is to put on the oxygen mask on yourself first, then your children. So Please Take A Breath.

The world we are living in right now is crazy. My question is how long has this abuse been going on, and do you think your husband might have some mental health issues.

Since you don't have family support, and financial concerns, please walk a tight rope until you make a plan. I hope this link will help you to make good and safe choices for yourself and your daughter.
https://femmefrugality.com/leaving-abusive-relationship-no-money/

That makes total sense what you are saying with the rules of the airplane! I just recently opened my eyes to see that he must truly have mental health issues. He has shown anger and short temper throughout the relationship but it was not often. He would have an episode maybe once every 3 or 4 months. But he would quickly cover up his episodes with apologies and excuses. Now its every week at least once a week but there is no apology or excuse. He just tries to jump back into everything is normal and nothing happened! If I try talking to him about his behavior he goes into threats followed by ignoring mode which can last for days! Thank you so much for the link! Great resources and gives me lots to think about and a good place to start! Thank you again!

Hi Raelynn,
I’m so sorry to hear that this is happening in your family. Have you tried to have marriage counselling? I have a friend who just had a problem in their marriage and already decided to separate but after counselling from our pastor they are still together. You can try to talk to a Pastor or any spiritual leader of your local church, it will be a big help.

Take care of yourself. Praying for you that all will be well in your family. Keep us posted.

I grew up in a similar situation with a violent and abusive father and a depressed mother. Having to live with that was a nightmare and I still have issues when men raise their voices to this day. I understand you want to stay together for your daughter so she doesn't have to go through the many changes that come for divorce, but there is a point where divorce may be better for your kid so she doesn't have to live in an emotionally abusive household anymore. If it is feasible for you at this time, I would suggest maybe seeing a counselor or a divorce attorney to discuss options so you can make a plan down the road if you decide you want to leave him. I am wishing the best for you and your family.

Thank you all so much! I did give him an ultimatum this morning. I told him marriage counseling or we divorce! He agreed to counseling and said he will attend with me and seek help. I am praying that this works and trusting God he will change our marriage for the better. If nothing changes then at least I know what to do and where to look for help in leaving! Thank you all again and God bless!

He is abusive and you are in an abusive marriage. The things about putting your daughter through a move are just deflections so you don't have to do the hard thing or face what is. Your daughter is being harmed by watching a man abuse her mom every day. She is watching you be weak and take the abuse, so she is learning that women don't matter. She may grow up with his anger, but aimed at you for not protecting her or divorcing him. Sit down with pen and paper and write up a plan. Keep silent about it. Don't tell husband or daughter. Start figuring out where you would go, open your own bank account, secret away cash if you don't have a job or access to money. Go to a local battered woman's shelter because this is abuse even if not physical. Get counseling for yourself, on your own. Go to a good divorce attorney and find out your rights.

Don't be surprised if he won't change with counseling. The person that has to change is you first. Change how you think and act and react. Some counselors flat out won't do marriage counseling if there is abuse going on. Although some might think emotional abuse is not as bad as physical abuse. You need to speak up and call this emotional abuse in counseling sessions. You have to hold him to a higher standard and not let things slide. This does not mean arguing with him all the time, but it means not allowing him to abuse you.

You see, your spouse disdains you. This is not fixable by you no matter how much tap dancing you do. The real issue is not you, but how he is. You can't make him NOT disdain you because this isn't about you or your fault or your lack. This is not fixable by you and I would guess he disdains everyone in his life except those whom he sees as better than him or who he is nice to to get something from them. Disdain kills marriages.

And please consider that maybe God isn't wanting to change HIM, maybe God is wanting to change you so that you live your best and most spiritual life. Asking God to fix your marriage keeps your focus on changing the husband and begging God. Please consider asking God for His wisdom and knowledge and courage instead of begging for husband to be changed. If you don't change, the patterns continue. If he doesn't change but you do, the patterns don't continue. God wants more for you in this life than to be an emotionally abused wife teaching her daughter to be the same. God wants you to have strength, self respect, and self value, and self love. If we don't love ourselves, we can't really love God either or we don't see God as loving us because we are not worthy. Hugs to you.

Thank you Urbangardener, what you say makes total sense and we have our first session with a counselor next week. I definitely have come to the cold hard facts that if this counseling doesn't work then I will have to leave! For my daughter and myself! Thank you all for your support and true words. Praying that our Christian counselor can help!

Please be assertive in counseling sessions to speak your truth and please let us know how you are doing in the weeks ahead. Lots of support and kindness here.

I agree with urbangardener. that your daughter would be really impacted by this and she's seeing how a woman is treated by a man

It's great that you're getting into therapy and I think that if you and your husband decide to stay together he owes your daughter a big apology for the way he's been treating her mother and some confirmation that it won't continue

She doesn't have a voice in this so it would be really hard on her

Whatever you decide I hope that things work out well for you..... Big hug.....xo

We had our first session last night with the counselor. Didn't really dive in to deep yet, but we will be going back weekly for the next couple of months. I think my daughter would benefit from going separately as well. I think my daughter would appreciate having her own session. What do you all think of that idea? I will keep you posted. Thank you all again so much, I really appreciate you all!

I think it would be great for your daughter to have her own personal counselor, and her own counseling sessions.

You're doing great. Good luck.

Hello everyone! So we have been attending counseling throughout the last couple of months and things have been going well with the counselor. Until now my husband has just told me that he isn't going any more. I belive it is because the last time we attended we started diving into his anger issues and his short temper! The counselor even told him that it sucks for your wife to have to deal with your emotional outbursts! He admitted he has a problem but then a couple days later told me I can go by myself from now on and he isn't going any more. Did not give me a reason why but I'm pretty sure it's because he doesn't want to confront his behavior and that's what the counselor was doing! So I will be attending next week alone for the first time. Would love your feed back on his behavior and reaction. Thank you guys!

Oh dear, I would say this is common occurrence. It gets hard and people bail. My suggestion is to go alone and don’t talk about it at all with hubby. If he asks what you talked about, say myself. Don’t act like him not going matters to you. If he mentions it again, tell him you accept or respect his decision, it is okay. In other words, don’t give more weight to his decision by letting him know you don’t like it. If he is out to control you, he’ll escalate. If he forbids you to go or asks why you keep going, be careful. He wants to control the narrative. Control the marriage. He is telling you he is reluctant or resisting change. So don’t think you will make him change. I am going to even say hold your cards close to your vest and figure yourself out. When my ex was drinking and drugging and I was secretly planning to divorce him as he was so abusive, he started escalating. He’d say stuff like somebody’s wife nags and She had better look out because nobody likes a nag - which meant I was the nag and I’d better look out. He got worse and worse and I totally stopped discussing his behavior. I refused to argue with him, I walked away and out of the room or house. But I had a plan. I protected myself by never mentioning when he was out all night. I was working my plan and I emotionally detached from him. My ending my trying to fix or change him actually gave me relief. This might not work for you but I paid for the house so I wanted him out, not me.

Thank you Urbangardener! That's exactly what I was thinking, continue going but don't discuss anything with him so he doesn't "get his cake and eat it too"! And he does want to be in control! He even admits he panics when he doesn't have full control over a situation he is in. And I think when all eyes were on him during our last session he didn't like it. He wasn't expecting me to come out and tell our counselor about his attitude and negative behavior I constantly deal with. He didn't like facing the facts! He has a lot of the traits of a narcissist and I'm fed up with it and have been slowly disconnecting my emotions to him! I'm learning to not look to him to make me happy, I'm learning to draw closer to my Lord Jesus and focus on him! This crazy world and the evil people that are out there are just to much for me to handle so I'm learning to give it all to God and try to keep my peace in Jesus. I will keep you all posted on how attending counseling by myself goes. Thank you again!

Dont be surprised if when he is with you if he goes to another session, the counselor doesn't then turn to you to take responsibilities for your perceived faults in the relationship, it's a thing that shows their trust worthy, not just one sided and shows the husband that he too with get a chance to air his grievances. Not to say there are any, but I'm sure the counselor will coax or try to put him in a comfortable enough position to complain. This is crucial that you both trust this person to listen and be a neutral party. Once that happens, he will be less reluctant to actually humble himself a but and take responsibility for his actions. I hope that scenario works out for you and he changes his mind, hes got to go to them to benefit from them. But if he won't and ultimately you end up there alone, work on becoming a stronger you. In some situations I've heard it was their guilt because of straying that made them act that way, or wanting out of the marriage and coming to terms with the fact that it's not working out. Hopefully he can get a handle on his demons. And I hope you feel empowered and eventually find peace. Therapy can work wonders.