Koolman, you took the words right out of my mouth!
I wonder the same thing!

Yeah, judging from all the horror stories around here! Are people so bored and/or lonely that they'd rather subject themselves to torment than being bored or lonely?

I am sure that is part of it for some people. They fear being alone perhaps.

I can personally do without the drama.

I agree - it's very difficult to find a compatible partner once you reach a certain age/point in your life (or maybe I'm just really picky) Although there are times that I think it would be nice to be married again, I'm not settling for an emotionally unhealthy man, and the problem is - sometimes you don't know if they're emotionally unhealthy until you've already invested yourself. I've decided that being single has some very nice advantages - like avoiding drama, disappointment and heartache (boy, do I sound cynical!) I have to admit, I do miss the physical and companionship aspects that a relationship offers, but sometimes you have to pay a mighty high price for those things, and I'm not sure it's worth it. I guess I'm not the person to convince you to be in a relationship - lol, but I do understand how you feel.

I feel the main problem with relationships is that people almost always approach it from the "what can you do for me" standpoint.
Going into a relationship with preconceived notions of how your "ideal" partner will act and feel and be. Everyone wants the very best deal... like they are purchasing a product or something..
That's why it never works. Too many expectations about how it "should" be..

My opinion is most relationships don't work because every human wants their own way and when empathy and compassion fly the coup and control and judgment take their place.... it's doomed

I'm sure no relationship ever broke up because both partners wanted for each other what they wanted for themselves, right?

Well Kool, all the things you mentioned in your second paragraph, I would have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be in a relationship that involved any of that, not even one part of it.

I was only in one toxic relationship with a possessive control freak abuser. He wasn't like that initially but most abusers put on the charm until they think they have you where they want you and think you'll put up with their shit. This guy started showing his true colors about 7 months into the relationship and even though I did love him (I loved who he pretended to be, not who he was), I had no problem kicking his ass to the curb. I do not allow toxic people to continue on in my life whether it's a partner, friend or family member. I have no room in my life for people who disrespect me.

The difference to me between a friend as you mentioned in your first paragraph and a partner is the love that's involved. I have friends (male and female friends) that I love dearly and they feel the same for me but we're not "in-love" with each other, partner and I are friends but also in-love with each other and that's a strong emotional bond that IMO you can't have with a friend. You can certainly have a strong bond with a friend that you love but it's not on the same level as the bond you have with a partner in a good, strong, healthy relationship.

IMO, the most important thing is never settle for less than what you want in a partner, in a relationship. When you involve yourself in a relationship, make sure you're both in it for the right reasons, not for the wrong reasons. The wrong reasons to me are you're lonely, you don't like being without a partner, you feel you "need" someone to complete you, to make you happy, to give you worth.

When both partners are happy and content within themselves, have self-respect, I believe they have a much better chance of having a healthy, happy, strong relationship that doesn't involve the things you mentioned.

When people allow negativity in their life, they'll get negativity in their life. When they don't allow it, they won't have it because they'll have no problem taking it out with the trash. We teach others how to treat us by what we accept and don't accept. If you find yourself in a relationship that is full of negativity, torment, heartache, etc. and you choose to continue on in that relationship, you're showing that person that it's acceptable to you to be treated poorly and with disrespect.

When I hear people complain about a relationship where there's constant fighting, torment, hurt, infidelity or abuse by a partner and then they say "I don't want to leave or I can't leave because I love him/her.", I always wonder do they really love that person or do they love a fantasy of who they wish that person was.

What's the point of a relationship to me is both of us having the strong emotional bond and connection with each other that we don't have with others, loving and accepting each other fully, having 100% respect and trust for each other at ALL times and wanting to build a life with that person, experience everything in our life together as a partnership, the good and the bad which isn't something you do with a friend.

That's just my perspective.

Great Answer Leather!

To me, thr beauty of being in a relationship is the ballance it provides. I'm a planner, my boyfriend is a spontaious fly by the seat of his pants kind of guy. Togeter we ballance each other out, end up with a skeleton of a plan, with wilggle room left in. It becomes the best of both worlds. When I "fall down" in life, he is there to pick me up. Whenhe falls, I am there to pick him up. He encourages and inspires me. I better because of it. And I do my best to inspire and encourage him.

A relationship has to have trust, understanding, and communtication or there will be drama, and the relationship is likely to fail, and cause heartache. But those things can and do exist, but you and your partner ghave to be dedicated to maintaining those aspects. I think too often people want a relationship so bad, they settle for people who aren't actually ready for that commitment. And often too, I think people want a relationship, but aren't willing to work for the trust, understanding, and communication themselves. They just never realize it, or admit it to themselves until its too late.

Leather - love your Answer!

Koolman - I have no effing idea. I think it's rare to find TWO people willing to do the communication, conflict-resolution, and WORK it requires to move a relationship forward. People are so ADD nowadays, they flit from one thing to the next.

Thanks, peeps, and thanks, leather, for the longest and perhaps most compelling answer. Sadly, the types who are attracted TO ME are the needy, controlling, perfectionistic types, and I have to beat them off with a stick.

This is true even in my friendships with my "brothers", members of the same sex. I've got this guy calling me to talk movies and everything else, and he's such a hyper-critical perfectionistic control freak that I'm beginning to not even pick up the phone. Then another guy who invited me to play tennis with him. Said he doesn't keep score, just wants to go out, volley the ball and have a good time. Fine. We go out there, I'm trying to warm up and he starts picking apart my swing, telling me all the things he perceives that I'm doing wrong, based on his years of tennis lessons, in order to "teach" me how to play at "his level". ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!

Trying to remain calm, rational, relaxed, in order to find someone who is calm, rational, relaxed, whom I can simply relax, be stupid without criticism, and truly have a good time with, is where I'm at. That would be a welcome breath of fresh air. I'm writing this to throw that vibe out into the universe, to attract those types of people into my life.

Thanks! And peace and blessings to you all. Try to relax, people.

Being in love with someone is very different than being in lust with someone. Skipping through all the good and bad that comes with being with a person who one cares about and only having the fun makes sense if you don't Love the person.

Loving a person more than you love yourself is in it's self a way, an opportunity for one to grow positively as a person. That unconditional love in your life is inexplicably honorable. The constant support, the constant want to do for someone what you're unwilling to do for yourself brings out good qualities in your character. Life is full of people who are in your life to either enrich it, complicate it, bring it down, or to teach you a lesson. If you have someone who is there in your life, no matter the up's, no matter the downs, no matter the insecurities, then your trust and love grows with them.

That being said, sometimes we fall for the wrong people or witness others do the same and it jades us. We live life in fear that we're going to give our heart to someone who is undeserving, who will only bring complications and will bring our life down. It can happen, we're all taking that risk, the risk however can be lower if you concentrate on surrounding yourself with good quality people, deep people, with passions, with capabilities of loving unconditionaly.

You mentioned you want feedback on what IS working in certain relationships: For me, my husband and I think the world of each other, because I know he loves me as I do him. He doesn't play mind games, he is genuine, goofy and tells me how much hearing me laugh makes his day a pleasure, how he's wiling to sacrifice and work in an industry that may be beneath him because he wants the best for our daughter and I. A genuine love radiates from him because of the way he treats me, of the way he respects me, of the way he is wiling to put his ego aside and knows I will never trample it during times of misunderstandings / arguments / discussions. He does this and has this attitude because I too approach him in the same way in the same light. Loving the right person is a blessing. Communicating with someone even when your thoughts on the subject are spoken out loud and you realize you're making an idiot of yourself, and they are there to not judge, but to offer insight is also something I appreciate. I never feel badgered, I never feel stupid, I never feel as though the person I'm speaking is someone who will stop looking at me in the same way because of a mistake I made. If there is a mistake, the person you love will only be interested in making things how they were before that mistake. Forgive and work, and learn from it. We are not immune to any types of temptations, misunderstandings, dreaming differently, etc. but that's the beauty of working together as a team. One is able to step down and let the other shine while they do something they crave, and so on and so forth. Like I said, relationships with someone you love unconditionally has no room for egos.

Good luck, hope that shed a little something in what you search.

My relationships have never been easy, I am not a simple person and do not always make the easiest and most logical choices.
I found out how much it sucks to be alone when I got into an accident. When you have someone by your side who loves you, you can literally overcome anything, but things change dramatically when you can't even reach a glass of water or drive yourself to the pharmacy to get some pain meds.

Thanks, ladies.

roseBud, that has been the problem. I've fallen for ladies who love...themselves. Or money. Or Jesus. More than they love me. Selfishness seems to abound. Which makes me...pull in and be selfish too...in order to survive. I could use a little help from time to time, just to get through the day, as much as I want to help others. Sounds like you've got a nice relationship there. Congratulations.

Aronia, I'm sorry, getting into an accident and barely being able to take care of yourself has to suck. Are you making any progress toward some kind of recovery?