Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi, - just going to jump right in - I just need some reality checks about a problem with communication. I have been with a man for over a year - 15 months. At first we were just dating but since August 2014 it has been a relationship. We spend almost every weekend together. Have met each others family.
Suddenly one month ago, we had a difficult weekend. We bickered a lot. About others' relationships. About communication between us. A few days later he said he needed to spend the rest of the month alone. He told me over the phone when I happened to call him. He seemed to attribute it to depression - which he has a history of but which I had yet to witness. I asked if we were breaking up but he said "no." He talked about his job which was bothering him.
Since then, he has not seen me. He doesn't want me to come see him. If I text he will respond. but he won't text. He does not reply to emails. He never calls. ( he has never called on phone in the relationship, he will talk if I call him but he never reaches out in that way. he says it is because I once told him I don't like to talk on the phone- I call him about once every two weeks.) I have called him once a week since this started. He will talk, sometimes seem to not want to stop the conversation. I asked if this was a break up and he says "no." I ask if we will see each other again and he says "yes." but not when.
I very well may have said something to upset him - I was holding some feelings inside about him never communicating and they may have come out with hostility - but I keep asking if that is the case and he doesn't give that as the explanation.
I am trying to be patient and understanding. I am trying not to be needy - since he is the one who is depressed. I am trying to give him space. I am keeping myself busy, seeing friends, studying.
Is this lack of communication and explanation acceptable? Is this depression? Is this some other diagnosis? In the beginning of the relationship - we might go a couple of weeks without calling. But usually I relationship is quite passionate and sexy. He once said he was diagnosed with a shade of bipolar II but in over one year nothing else or nothing like this has ever come up. He has never done this before.
Still, is it acceptable that he would totally stop communicating without explanation. When I call or text, he says he welcomes it, but...I am so confused. Should I be worried. Should I ignore his requests to stay away and check on him? or keep giving him space?
Suddenly one month ago, we had a difficult weekend. We bickered a lot. About others' relationships. About communication between us. A few days later he said he needed to spend the rest of the month alone. He told me over the phone when I happened to call him. He seemed to attribute it to depression - which he has a history of but which I had yet to witness. I asked if we were breaking up but he said "no." He talked about his job which was bothering him.
Since then, he has not seen me. He doesn't want me to come see him. If I text he will respond. but he won't text. He does not reply to emails. He never calls. ( he has never called on phone in the relationship, he will talk if I call him but he never reaches out in that way. he says it is because I once told him I don't like to talk on the phone- I call him about once every two weeks.) I have called him once a week since this started. He will talk, sometimes seem to not want to stop the conversation. I asked if this was a break up and he says "no." I ask if we will see each other again and he says "yes." but not when.
I very well may have said something to upset him - I was holding some feelings inside about him never communicating and they may have come out with hostility - but I keep asking if that is the case and he doesn't give that as the explanation.
I am trying to be patient and understanding. I am trying not to be needy - since he is the one who is depressed. I am trying to give him space. I am keeping myself busy, seeing friends, studying.
Is this lack of communication and explanation acceptable? Is this depression? Is this some other diagnosis? In the beginning of the relationship - we might go a couple of weeks without calling. But usually I relationship is quite passionate and sexy. He once said he was diagnosed with a shade of bipolar II but in over one year nothing else or nothing like this has ever come up. He has never done this before.
Still, is it acceptable that he would totally stop communicating without explanation. When I call or text, he says he welcomes it, but...I am so confused. Should I be worried. Should I ignore his requests to stay away and check on him? or keep giving him space?
Acceptable: To you? No. For him? Yes. I'd keep giving him his space, yet tell him in your next phone conversation that you can't wait forever for him to make up his mind whether he wants to get together again, and that you're going to start exploring other options, other people. Never worry, just gracefully begin exploring other options, other people, or just enjoy being alone for awhile. Never worry about being alone. It's time for contemplation and consideration of self.
I wish you well.
At the very least, I would let him make the next move and if I hadn't met somebody new and I still felt like seeing him, I might.
Begging him and asking if " we are broken up" is crazy. You are giving him all the power to decide that?
reminds me of the song " Knight Moves" by Suzanne Vega... " watch while the Queen in one false move, turns herself into a pawn"
This calls for the my beloved "other female" test. Would you find it acceptable for one of your female relatives to be treated like this?
He is probably giving someone else a try and you are there clamoring for his attention while he keeps you on a string.
He sounds like a mess.
Also, with serious depression like this there often times isn't actually anything for the sufferer TO communicate. It's not like someone said something mean or something sad happened and that's what they're sad about. Many times depressive episodes like this aren't about anything in particular, but are instead just a period of intense general unhappiness and/or saddness that can't really be expressed in words. Trying to communicate what one of these periods of depression is like would be like trying to comprehensively describe and explain colors to someone who has been blind since birth in an attempt to get them to understand color the way the rest of us see it with our eyes.
Him hiding away likely stems from what many of us who suffer from periods of serious depression learn fairly early: that most people don't enjoy being near us or chatting with us when we're in these depressive states. It tends to drive away friends, family and loved ones when they're around us for too long when we're like this. Very few people serm able to understand/tolerate us when we're like that so sometimes it helps to distance ourselves from them until the depression lifts so that they aren't driven away if they see how bad it is up close. Alternatively, some of us just need alone time while we're like this since it doesn't actually help being surrounded by people saying things like "just cheer up", or inadvertently making us feel worse fron seeing how frustrated they get when their efforts have little effect.
Like I said before, not many people seem to be able to handle being with us when we're in a major period of depression. If you don't feel like you would be able to cope with having a partner like that then you may want to consider finding someone else and breaking up GENTLY.
Keep in mind that serious depression like this is a medical condition, not a brief bad mood. So giving them an ultimatum while they're still depressed like that would be like telling a significant other who has just lost both legs in a terrible accident that you will leave them if they aren't up and running around like normal in a week.
Don't call him and don't reach out to him. Do something for you.
I think 2 months is a reasonable and a generous amount of time to give someone to deal What they have to deal with and then reach out to you and have a real conversation.
If he does not reach out to you in two months, then call
Him and have a talk . You are not his wife and you can not sit around and wait forever and at this point you may not want his dirty laundry list. He must clean up on his own.
When some people go through depression and some problems, they do not want to spill them on their partners, because after all, you are the person he has sex with and has good times with. Some people do not want to look at their partner's face and be reminded of arguments, crazy behavior and things that they have to apologize for.
I think that he told you that he needs to deal with his stuff, so this is a good sign.
However, I wont blame you if you call it quits now.
Basically, I am saying - have limits for how much you are going to invest yourself based on the stage of your relationship.
When I went through break ups , I was like : but I waited for you! I nurtured you when you were sick! Input up with your mood swings!
I said I loved you when you hurt my feelings ! I drive a cross town to make you soup when you had a cold! I cleaned your kitchen! I washed your socks. I spent a lot of Money on buying groceries for you!
NO.
Wife and gf are two different things. I knew how to be a wife but had no idea how to be a gf. If you are a gf, act like a gf. Be kind, be supportive, be reasonably patient, because if all
Of this turns out to be some bullshit excuse for having an affair with some other chick, you are not going to eat at yourself for doing too much.
Hugs
Unless you have training as a therapist who treats depression the best things you could do to help would probably be to continue being supportive/patient and make sure he is seeing a therapist.