Healthy Relationships Support Group

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What can I say to convince him

blueocean65
blueocean65

Hi. Ive written about this problem so many times but I'm looking for suggestions on what to say to my bf/fiance. 


His ex is still calling him 5x/week ,when I'm not around and for usually 15 min. each time. She openly says she wants him back and he has told her things that dont sit well with me  He resistively agreed to finally only talk abt the kids(17&16), after 3 yrs if this ,  but theres still some general talk going on . Im not sure how much because he isnt truthful. I can tell because sometimes things spill over into their texts which I look at. I've asked him to stop deleting txts but he still does (not all but 1 to sometimes 10 in a convo).


So we argued again tonite over it and he said that he will just start meeting with her since i dont seem to see that just talking is nothing. He said then i will see that i HAD it good and maybe I need to experience what could be worse. He diesnt see an issue with talking to her.  


What should I say to him in response?


Today,she text him a picture of the letter he wrote her before their wedding day. And a couple other love notes he gave her many years ago. 


He lives in extremes so...he has this intense way of loving that is awesome  but also this very dark side to him where if I complain about something that he does that bothers me, like this issue, he will not budge and says everything is my fault  

urbangardener
urbangardener
Do you love this guy more than you love yourself or value yourself? What if you detach with love from what he is doing. Stop mentioning the calls and texts. Stop being "Molly in the middle" and just don't. You say you have relationship issues, but where it starts and ends is within us. If you want a better relationship, if you want him to do better, then you have to love yourself enough to demand better or expect better. Arguing, fussing, moaning about his behavior is just a warped trap our minds get into. I believe you deserve better -- but he does not. What do you believe?
PS: I wonder if they are physically intimate because he doesn't stop her texting but almost defends her behavior AND he places the blame of who is wrong on you.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I don't think that there's anything wrong with being on friendly terms with your ex especially when kids are involved..... That's a win/win for everyone

The problem that I see with this is his sneakiness and it doesn't sound like he's really an honourable guy with women

It sounds like he deflects when things don't suit him

I truly believe that we teach people how to treat us and you may be able to save this relationship as long as it's all on his terms and will you ever be happy or content with that??
blueocean65
blueocean65
Very true suncloud, on all aspects. Just today, he didn't tell me he ran into his ex at Wendy's (where their daughter works and was working) and they talked for 20 min. I had asked him to tell me when he sees her, I don't know why but that is what I asked of him. And his son inadvertently blew him in. So i said "I asked you to tell me when you see her" He just blew up saying it was in a public place and it was too insignificant to bother telling me. And now he is not talking to me, 3 hours later. HE is mad at ME.
I hate his sneakiness. And I have to just bite my tongue and say nothing or it will end in a major fight.
We are going on a cruise next week with his kids. She will be calling him daily to check in. He bought a phone package because he owns a business and can't be without calls.
blueocean65
blueocean65
just seeing your response urban, I haven't looked at phone logs, or check his phone for text details in maybe 2 weeeks which is alot for me!
I dont believe they are having sex because she refused him to stay over her house one night about 2 months ago (he asked!) when we were in a bad bad arguement. She wrote him a txt that I saw that said "I want you to come back to me on good terms, not because you are fighting with K" She said he would have to do counseling too. So, I dont' think she will have sex with him until he proves himself to be a better man. She is just keeping close contact for when the day comes.
urbangardener
urbangardener
You sound really unhappy and want this BF to change. But he isn't going to change as he holds all the cards. All you can do is decide what is best for you. Stop thinking about him changing and start thinking about you changing. That change might mean you decide to accept him for who he is or that change may mean you decide to honor yourself first and move on to something that is respectful and finds you valuable. I have to agree that we teach people how to treat us.
blueocean65
blueocean65
I overheard his call to her today. They talked about their day,him having a hard time sleeping , her crying to him about her back hurting, and 5 min of kid stuff.
Would any of u be ok with your SO talking like this to their ex multiple times a week knowing the history and her intentions? Forget about her nastiness , just the talking part.
He is going to get in a big fight with me when I tell him I want to leave him. He will say I'm sick in the head to leave him over just TALKING.
blueocean65
blueocean65
I overheard his call to her today. They talked about their day,him having a hard time sleeping , her crying to him about her back hurting, and 5 min of kid stuff.
Would any of u be ok with your SO talking like this to their ex multiple times a week knowing the history and her intentions? Forget about her nastiness , just the talking part.
He is going to get in a big fight with me when I tell him I want to leave him. He will say I'm sick in the head to leave him over just TALKING.
blueocean65
blueocean65
oh, and her letter to me about 3 years ago said, "I will be talking to him everyday, my husband or not, lets see how long you last"
CagedGypsi
CagedGypsi
Sounds like your unfortunately the 3rd wheel in this and they have this history together so he has no problem keeping you in the dark. It's not fun to get a taste of his own medicine and of course doing that would be lowering yourself to that level. So dont. But maybe he needs to see that others could want you just as well and he'd understand where your coming from. Not sure how to achieve that because I tried so many times in the past out of immaturity really to make my husband jealous thinking it would make him see I'm desirable too, but it backfired because when we went doing good, I gave into temptation and crossed boundaries I never would have before. When I felt my lowest. So stay strong, but he needs to see he could lose you too.
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