Giving advice is always easier than taking it. So when I tell you this I hope you don’t think I’m saying it without hesitance, but he needs to draw a distinct line and give his ex boundaries. It is inappropriate for her to contact him so often... to text him such personal memories... and if he respected his relationship with you he would tell her to stop. Keeping his conversations with her limited and only about the kids. If he is allowing it to happen then she knows she can cross those boundaries. It’s wrong and he needs to choose who he wants ... I’m really sorry to say but it seems like he’s having an emotional affair ... he is threatening to meet her to scare you into backing down ... a good man that truly loves you would never put another woman’s feelings ahead of yours. And he definitely wouldn’t risk losing you over an ex. Maybe they both have unresolved feelings ... it doesn’t make sense why he would allow her to get that close to him again. And risk his relationship with you in the process ...

Thank you Jackie.
Are u saying daily conversations seem too much to you too?
I asked him things like, talk to her after work, when I'm around. And, talk once a week about the kids, why daily at this age. Does once a week sound fair? Unless theres an emergency obviously.

He does need to be in contact with her regarding their two kids. That you can't do anything about.

With that being said, does she even know about you?? I am not joking. She seems very blatant in wanting him back, and he does not seem to resist her inappropriate texts, pictures, etc. Maybe she does not know that you exist or that he is in a serious relationship. Why did they break up to begin with?

Him threatening to meet her in person to have their talks is not cool. You should go with him! Seriously. You need to take a stand and since he's not changing his behavior, then YOU go talk to her about this.

In the meanwhile, I don't know if the mood swings you mentioned are possibly a bi-polar condition that he has?

People that may be up to something generally do what they can get away with, and it's time for you to put your foot down... and mean it! Not just talks and idle threats from you...you take actions…..you go and meet her too, and when he talks to her in person, you go with him. This is only one step in stopping his behavior. You are the fiance' right?? Best to sort this out before getting married, don't you think?

Yes Girlincalif she knows about me and makes fun of me in text to him. About my looks, what I wear, name calling.

They divorced because she didnt pay any attention to him and he didnt want to be in that kind of marriage anymore. She tells him she wouldnt be different now.

I dont THINK he will meet with her (that happened by accident 2 yrs ago and they talked for abt 3 hrs. He tried to hide that from me but I found out. ) I think he says he will meet with her instead of talking so I realize that it could be worse.
He says I'm the one causing problems over nothing.

He said he is with me 100% of the time and that is showing me he loves and wants me not her.
I often doubt my feelings based on comments like that.

You've mentioned this before, that she mocks you. I can tell you this. My husband would NEVER tolerate anyone saying shit about me, not his ex wife, not his friends, not a stranger on the street. So that your guy's ex says things about you and he's ok with not addressing it with her in an assertive manner is more troubling than him still talking to an ex. That is the respect part of the equation that seems missing. That has nothing do with him being with you 100% of the time. I mean seriously, is he so emotionally stunted that he can't see that? Imagine if you were talking to your ex and your ex was making fun of your guy. Would he be ok with that? I highly doubt it.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing you can say that will change this or him. He's going to continue to do what he wants to do. So the question becomes, what are YOU going to do? I think you have to accept that this is who he is, and he's not changing. And so in accepting that, it's down to you and either finding a way to deal with his relationship with her so you don't feel diminished by her or him, or move on from the relationship.

It's ok for people to remain friendly with their ex. I don't see this in and of itself a concern. And yeah, exes have to discuss matters related to their children. I"m married to someone who has an ex and kids so I get that. It's how comfortable he seems with disrespecting you that should be sending all kinds signals that this is a bigger problem than the ex. Clearly, he's not completely finished with that relationship. I don't mean that he's having sex with her or anything, but that he's not entirely emotionally disconnected from whatever they had when the were together. I don't know how you can have a relationship with someone that seems emotionally committed to another person.

There isn't anything you can say that will make any difference. Your BF is loving all this attention from both of you. He does need to set boundaries, to protect you, to make you feel safe with him. He has not done these things.

Welcome to what your life will be if you stay with him. I would leave. But then that's me.

pack his bags and show him the door. You do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect. I wish I did that and I would have saved myself years of heartache and tears. He is a narcissist everything has be to about him. Run for the hills. These people do not change, if they do, it will be for the worse. It will hurt now, but you will get over it. I was married for 25 years before I said get out. Now, I could not be happier. hugs.

At 16 and 17 I would think he could call his kids directly...… and maybe talk with his ex the odd time for specific plans

Why can't he do that in front of you?

You wrote what should you say about this I would say I'm done with this crap... If he wants to meet her go for it

I can't imagine a woman for years hanging onto an ex without any encouragement and I am really sorry that you're being hurt

My brother has an ex an they're on good terms.... They have 2 now grown children.... He'd call there to talk to his kids and make arrangements.... There was never anything secretive … Ever..... I think this is disturbing

How much longer do you want to stretch this agony out..... Big hug.....xo

Blue,
This was the reason I left my EX, she was not respecting our relationship and was in daily communication with her ex, and was let him sleep over.. in her bed. when i was not there ( she swore there was nothing physical going on).
She was hiding texts and calls, and the list goes on.
But she always said she would not do it again, every-time i brought it up.
When i left her she claimed she ended it with him....
I had to respect myself, i had to value myself.
Her begging me back lasted over 2 months, and might still be going on but i have blocked her on everything i know of.
You have to ask yourself is this the way you want to live?
Is this the type of relationship you want?
how much do you respect yourself?
Would you disrespect someone?
40% of marriages end in divorce and the exes are exes for reasons.
You dont have to fight to keep someone, because they dont have to fight to keep you. You build together to the same goal.

remember to listen to your gut.

I really appreciate everyone's opinion. Even when I keep talking about the same damn problem!

Rmb, I HAVE asked him to not let her put me down but he says "If I tell her to stop, I promise you, she will do it 10x more"
Right, I have to accept it or leave. Both are difficult decisions for me! She and him DEFINITELY have unfinished emotional business. He loved her deeply and he has told her on one occasion in November that he loves and misses her. But WHY doesnt he go back to her then?!

Storm, yep, he loves all this attention.

Atpeace, I think that is the best thing for me to do if I can get up the strength. Trying counseling for myself.

Sun, I did ask him to talk in front of me but we tried this before and he veered so off topic with her and we argued so now he wont try again because I am "unpleasable". I try to "teach" him boundaries but he just gets defensive.

Good u could be strong, Memphis! I'm going to try.

Honestly, why he doesn’t go back to her isn’t even relevant. Obviously he doesn’t want to choose you over her or her over you but just have it all, at your expense. Him saying if I tell her to stop saying things about you it will only be worse is ridiculous. You know how he can tell her to stop where it won’t get worse? BY HANGING UP. Plus you shouldn’t have to ask him. He should know it’s unacceptable and simply not tolerate it. He makes it sound like he has no choices in these matters, that he’s somehow completely helpless or almost a victim when it comes to her. Give me a break.

I know it’s a hard choice but seriously this guy is a piece of work. He’s got an answer and excuse for everything, and all of them silly. Ugh... get out of this. Seriously, I hope you find the strength.

I agree with above posts. Get out of this relationship before it's too late. They don't need to be talking every day about 16 & 17 year old kids, sorry. My ex and I never talk about our teenage kids and he contacts them directly about things. Your BF is using the kids as an excuse to stay in touch with her...he is disrespecting you like others have pointed out. When you try to set boundaries he shames you like you're the bad guy...please. Walk away from him and let him see how good HE had it with YOU, and let him be reminded, the hard way, why he got a divorce from her. Sorry you're going through this.

He confuses my mind, so thank you for support. He definitely makes an excuse for everything. And yep, wants us both. I tried again yesterday to talk about it but he only says I am very wrong in what I am asking him to do and that he sees NOTHING wrong in talking to his ex 5x/ week to hear about his kids.
I have relationship issues that I just dont dump him.
I'm working in it tho!

I would trust your instincts and your own mind always. A person can't mess with your head if you don't let them. That is something you actually have control over. He's trying to make you doubt yourself and drown out everything in your heart and head that tells you that how he behaves is messed up. Why would you listen to him over your own self?

Stop wasting your time trying to convince him and put that time and energy into your own self esteem and self worth. Once you do that, you will have no issues with relationships, ever again.

This is a little tough love but please know that my intentions are not to be a jerk: By staying with someone like that and letting him get in your head, you are teaching him how to treat you. YOU have to be the one that decides how you want to be treated and sometimes how you do that is just washing your hands of the crappy people in your life.