Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

9,961 Members

13,641 Posts

2 Online

spazoid 09/01/2012

Here's the thing:

- My girlfriend and I have known each other since April of this year and... Before her and I were dating we started out as friends (I didn't want to jump into a relationship with her; because, she did say, "I'm not looking right now". (she had been hurt badly in her past). So, I thought: if I liked her already as a friend why not keep her as a friend?

- So, every day we would talk to each other we'd get to know each other more and more... Some how some way we started to get feelings; so, I thought: this can't be; because, she's my friend how can I get feelings for her? Then... I told her I was getting feelings for her she told me she felt the same; which, at first I was scared to admit something like that to someone who started out as a friend of mine... And now:

- I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl who is eight years younger than me and... I do anything that I can to make her feel good about herself... And assure her that: I'm not planning on going anywhere; because, she's the first girl that I've had this much in common with that and: she's the type that will take me as I am. So, taking the baby steps into getting to know her I was on the phone with her this morning... And I told her I loved her... Which, afterwards there was some strange silence between us... So, did I tell her I loved her too soon? I didn't apoogize for telling her either.

- So, today after I told her: I love her... She said, " I couldn't sleep much last night". I asked her why? She said, "I think: it's because, of what you said". I said, "Oh? Was it too soon? Or what? Did it scare you?" She said, "no, it didn't scare me... I just don't know how to to feel about it". (most of that is her past was that bad and... I'm the first boyfriend she dated that treated her this good).

- So, what do I do? Give her space? Go about things normal? What do I do from here? Because, I'm unsure, what to do without making her feel uncomfortable...

holehearted 09/01/2012

I would say just go about things normal. Dont ask her any more about you dropping the L bomb on her. If she wants to talk about it, thats fine. But dont dwell on it in your conversations with her. Keep acting as you always had.

You mentioned some past baggage on her part. Can you elaborate?

An old saying is coming to mind.

When you love someone, let them go. If they come back too you, they are yours. If they dont come back, hunt them down and kill them (or something like that) LOL

deleted_user 09/01/2012

I think it would be a good idea to go on normally like you both have been doing. In my opinion you both still are in the process of getting to know one another and learning to trust each other and to me that takes time and effort from both of you. The more time and communication you have with each other will tell you both if this relationship will get more serious or not. Wishing you both the very best and hoping that in time whatever you both end up doing will bring you happiness:)

deleted_user 09/03/2012

When I was young I found myself in your shoes and I would like to give you some advice on what NOT to do after this. Do NOT beat yourself up for saying that. It's how you felt. You believed the relationship was far enough along and grounded in a very personal way that you could express this. That is your heart talking and do not feel it was a "mistake". It's not. You need to remember to always be true to yourself. People that are meant to be with you will be with you whether your timing with their feelings is a match or not. They're either invested or they're not.

But keep in mind that young girls are creatures of attention. When they find someone who they can talk to about anything, well they anchor onto that. Unfortunately from the young male's perspective we think that is a form of acceptance. That because we have these discussions on such a personal level, we are somehow being prepped and primed for a partner. Well your finding out it doesn't mean that. This girl is seeking attention and as you have stated, you go out of your way to give it to her. Well now your asking for a little back and you see what is happening.

Let me tell you the first thing you need to do. You need to back up. Quit catering to her emotional needs. Quit acting like the two of you have already exchanged those words and your both equally invested. Your not. And don't tie yourself down with thoughts of "But she said she had feelings too." The term "feelings" is not love. It's just a statement that she appreciates the attention you are giving her. Don't cross link that to love. Two different worlds. She was feeling good about being treated so nice by you for doing nothing. Unfortunately she was on a feel good ride without understanding you were getting more invested. She sounds very young. Perhaps too young. You didn't ask her to marry you. And you didn't ask her to move in with you. You just cared enough to say those three words. She's not a person who sounds like she is mature enough to handle that kind of moment just yet. And for that, I am sorry my friend. I know EXACTLY how your feeling - shell shocked, dumbfounded. And besieged with the eternal question - "How could I have been so wrong?" Your not wrong. How you feel is how you feel. What your seeing is the maturity gap. She was invested in your attention because she wasn't use to getting it like that. Unfortunately she is a young girl and you are a mature man.

Now would be a good time to start retreating a little from the non stop and likely excessive attention you give her. I know you have enjoyed giving it as much as she likes receiving it. But now you understand your not playing to someone with the same intentions. It's not her past. That's an out. She is just not mature and this is way over her head. I would step back and reevaluate how far you want to take this. I think she just wanted to be close friends with feelings so she could continue to get the attention. Don't cater to that immature impulse of hers anymore. She needs to decide if she wants to be an equal player or not. And you need to decide whether you can back up and just be her friend again if she can't.. And I understand. Alot has been said and shared. Just words my friend. Just words. Only actions drive their true meaning.

Join the Conversation