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Was dating a guy that says he wants space

17butterfly49
17butterfly49

Hurting really bad right now and feeling confused. I started dating a guy I had been friends with in August. I've known him for over 2 years. We had actually gone on a date back in March then the pandemic happened, so that put ahold on things. And the he has been struggling emotionally and financially since mid summer due to a job issue. 2 weeks ago he told me he wanted space, as he was feeling kind of smothered. Hearing that of course made me feel instant anxiety because I didn't know what that meant. When I pressed he started saying things that sounded like a breakup. He also said he wanted to be alone and doesn't want to be around anyone. Unfortunately, the entire conversation took place via text. He would not talk on the phone because he was uncomfortable. I didn't ask to see him and maybe I should have. Of course texting only fueled my confusion because interpretation is skewed. I knew he was struggling, but I never thought he wanted to stop seeing me. I only saw him maybe once a week, sometimes closer to a week and a half. We texted often, but it wasn't non stop. I'm heartbroken. I don't understand how I was smothering him and I don't understand why he did this in text messages. We were friends first and now I've also lost my friend. He said he didn't want to lose me as his friend, but in my hurt and anger I told him I couldn't. Now we haven't corresponded in 2 weeks. I want to talk to him so badly because I don't think decisions were made with appropriate discussion, at least I know that for sure on my part. The last thing he told me was he wasn't saying I couldn't be around and he preferred I was, just not like we had been. The last thing I told him was I cared enough to give him space and that I was trying to do the right thing for both of us. I told him I didn't know if I should be around. We haven't corresponded since. I'm so scared I haven't done the right thing. And I am scared to contact him because I don't want to push him away further. I care for him. I want him to be a part of my life. And I want to support him through his struggles. I want a chance to do things right. Has anyone else gone through this? Should I contact him at some point, if I don't hear from him? If so, how do I do that? Thank for any support you can give. It is much needed and much appreciated from someone who is hurting and scared. 

Lost_n_Broken
Lost_n_Broken
That's a hard one to answer without knowing the 2 of you better. Considering the circumstances that you say he is facing it sounds to me that he could be fighting depression right now. Having dealt with it myself, I know the first thing I did was isolate myself. I was afraid of what others would think if they saw my weakness. I also didn't feel worthy of their love and concern. Him telling you that he wasn't telling you that you couldn't be around might be his way of asking you to show him that you aren't going to leave because he is struggling. It could also be the start of an emotional game that no one especially you will get out of unhurt. Even knowing him two years might not be enough to figure out which is the case. Is there anything in his past that would help you understand the situation better? I would suggest following your gut but be cautious in whatever you decide to do.
17butterfly49
17butterfly49
I know currently he is struggling with the loss of a job that resulted in a significant demotion. He is currently looking for a new job, but hasn’t had success. And I think he’s struggling knowing what he wants in that regard. I know he feels that he should be further ahead and he’s actually said he doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. I tried to be a source of encouragement and support, but maybe I was more of a burden. I don’t know. This all transpired after his sister and his best friend’s weddings. He had both weddings 2 weekends in a row. Then he declined to go to a family gathering the following weekend because he didn’t want anyone asking about his job. The following week he was distant and asked for space. He hadn’t opened up much about the past in great detail. Just snippets here and there. We were still getting to that point because our relationship was just getting started. He did admit to having a lot of insecurities he doesn’t like talking about. He has shutdown and isolated himself before when he’s been stressed. I experienced that a few times before we dated. One of the times was the first time we were going to get together after things started reopening. He cancelled our plans and asked me not to hate him. The job situation had just happened and he didn’t feel like socializing. I understood. I would like to believe this is not an emotional game. Everything points to him feeling less than right now and it being more than he can handle. But all I can do is guess.
rmb
rmb
I’m sorry you are hurt and that he handled it this way. In my opinion, I think that he is not interested in continuing the relationship, honestly. He doesn’t know how to just come out and say it point blank or he doesn’t have the courage. He says he wants stay friends because it makes him feel better about ending it, I suspect. Either way, if it were me, I would not contact him. I know that is hard but If a guy wants to be in a relationship he stays connected and in the relationship.
urbangardener
urbangardener
I think you are dealing with someone that is not 100% honest or doesn't have good communication skills. Add in some immaturity. I know this is hurtful to you. You probably feel rejected.

I will say... he has made it clear he is done. The best thing is to accept it, learn what you can, take what you can from this experience, and move forward. Consider this as a lesson in his character.

If he used the word smothered, that means he is trying to tell you that you text or call or contact him too much. If you feel this is accurate, then be less with the next one. If you feel like this is not accurate, then realize he is selling a load of manure. Some people are blamers... they make it our fault. Smothered might be making it your fault that he isn't interested in you at this time or has a new lover.

We can't change other people but we can remember that people show us who they are. No matter what you want, he has called it stop time. In the next few weeks or months, you will probably realize that he gave you a gift by setting you free.
11Christmases
11Christmases
I agree with above. He'll respect you more if you just leave him alone and leave things the way they are - no more calls or texts for closure or informing him that you are going to leave him alone. If he reaches out, I would not respond. He may just be checking up on you to make sure you don't hate him, or that you'll be there if he needs support. Only be "friends" if you are part of a larger friend group, otherwise I'd go 100% no contact for at least 3 months. You deserve to have your needs met, and don't deserve to be in a one-way relationship where you are always the supportive one and he is always the one with issues and excuses why he can't be in a relationship. Sorry you're going through this - I have been there.
Aronia
Aronia
You didn’t do anything wrong. These are all bullshit lines that someone uses to justify why he doesn’t want to be with you.
Sometimes things just don’t fit. I date some people before who were great , but the spark I was looking for just wasn’t there, so everything they did seemed annoying.
He has no balls.
Couldn’t even tell you to your face.
You are better off without him.
hsgramabrenda
hsgramabrenda
Relationships can be difficult and often there can be misunderstanding but sometimes you just need to back off and regroup. Sounds like he may just need to time and space to adjust to the things that have happened in his life and he is one who needs to do that by himself. For whatever reason, I suggest that you honor his request and give him the time and space he asks for and you take this time to grow.

If this relationship is meant to be it will survive and you both may be better and ready to reestablish the relationship and go from there. I also suggest that you seek some opportunities to enrich your life and grow as a person individually. For instance, you can call a counselor for resources to help you enter this new phase of your life and find the best of yourself and all that life has to offer.

This could be the best thing for each of you. I am praying for you to find the fullness of all God created you to be. I am praying that you will develop goals for your relationships and learn how to achieve them. One other thing that can be really helpful is to learn to recognize relationship roles and how to fulfill your part in a relationship. God bless you.
rmb
rmb
You’ve only been dating a few months. It should be a fun and exciting time. This sounds kind of depressing. Within the first 3-6 months people know whether they are wanting to move forward with the relationship. Believe his intentions so you can move on.

Respect yourself and care about yourself more than him and don’t look back.
brandnewangel
brandnewangel
How old is he ?
You can send a text saying how are you doing ? Keep it light
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I think he did this in a pretty gutless way to tell you the truth... and I agree with the others....In my day people broke up over the phone if they didn't have the courage to have a conversation with the person

I agree with others that if he wanted to be in touch he would be... I would let it go sweetie.... I'm sorry that it's hurting you

There is someone out there who would love to be in touch with you and treat you well.... Big hug.....xo
koolman
koolman
I'd just like to add to what the others said that losing a job with a handsome income IS destructive to one's self-esteem. One feels powerless. This COVID thing IS doing a number on all of us, healthwise or financially. The guy's priority is (rightly) on finding another job that pays comparably to the one he was demoted from. He's not emotionally capable of handling a relationship at this point. He wants space, give him space.
Spiky
Spiky
Well I guess having financial troubles is a no-fault pass to end a relationship. Who knew it was so easy. You'd think someone would appreciate a partner's support. The fact that, instead, he's "feeling smothered" is most likely code for "I'm not into you anymore". Being advised to give him "space" seems pretty damn useless as you don't have a choice in the matter. He's taking the space. He's decided he doesn't mind you being around but he doesn't want to be your partner. That's a horrible position to put you in. I'd say he doesn't deserve your time or energy. He's picked a cowardly and lazy way to dump you. He may not be an evil person, but he's keeping you in an unacceptable limbo. My heart goes out to you, but you'd be better off moving on.
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