Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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foreverstudent 07/09/2013

My girlfriend and I have been dating seriously for over 4 years and living together for about 7 months. A couple weeks ago my brother invited my parents, myself and my girlfriend to a house on the Jersey shore that he is renting for a week. We already have plans to go see her sister in Boston the weekend we would be coming back from Jersey to the plan is to go to the shore on Tuesday, drive to Boston Friday and return home on Sunday.

During all of these plans being made my girlfriend has been applying to jobs, and she told me today that if she gets a call on Tuesday or Wednesday to come in for a second interview that she would pack up and drive home. I responded by asking her if I could stay with my family and her drive back (if this even happens still hypothetical). She became very upset and said that I don't support her and that I don't care at all about her.

To me this is just insane, I do support and love this girl. she grew up going to Florida and Hilton head every year and I have never been to the Ocean or anywhere vacation like in my entire house. I grew up in a middle class working family with 5 kids and vacations weren't something that my parents had money left for.

Am I really being this unreasonable and ridiculous? I feel that we should be two mature adults (my GF and I are both 26 years old) and if this happens I will hope and pray for the best with her job, she can go back home and I will hitch a ride with my parents or brother both of which all live in the same town as I do.

I'm really struggling and don't know what to do...

Aronia 07/09/2013

You are not being unreasonable. Sounds like she may have some things she is not happy with and this set her off.

It is probably not about the jersey thing at all. Ask her if she finds you supportive on general.

deleted_user 07/09/2013

wow,, it sounds like great plans you've made and I hope you all get to do those things, and I kinda hope it doesn't get interrupted by any interviews. I wouldn't ask her if she finds you supportive at all, just my opinion, but I agree it is not only about Jersey. I think she may be nervous about the interviews and if she gets one she wants you to hold her hand, figureatively. But I think you're right, she's a big girl and should go ahead and do her interviews and not expect you to drop everything and spoil your plans for it.
I would reassure her that you do support her in her job efforts, and will be available by phone, and in case of true emergency would drop plans. I would tell her what you told us about how important this is to you, and ask for her mutual support. Maybe she is a bit nervous about being with your family? but they sound very nice.

I think to give in to her insecurities would be a mistake. She can do it. and so can you :)

deleted_user 07/09/2013

ps. are you thinking about marriage?

foreverstudent 07/09/2013

thank you for your responses,

I am thinking of getting married in fact that's something we have talked about and something I see in the future. We are both close with our family's and each other's family's so I don't think she's uncomfortable or anything like that.

I just don't know what the problem might be

Misred 07/10/2013

Maybe she will change her mind after she sees how unreasonable she is being.

deleted_user 07/10/2013

Is she often needy and clingy like that or is it new and unusual behavior?

foreverstudent 07/10/2013

I wouldn't describe her as needy or clingy because quite honestly I do like it that she feels the need to have me around I do love that affection however on that note let me give you an example of it going a bit too far...

I am an IT guy and part of my profession is to take Microsoft/Cisco/Ect tests to become certified in my field. This tests are very difficult and take a serious commitment to studying for months to pass. I can't tell you how often I'll be sitting at the kitchen table or in the other bedroom studying while she's in the living room watching TV and hear her say "can you come hang out with me" "can you study in here with me" and the answer is "no". I can't study in front of TV, I learned that lesson in 5th grade when I failed numerous spelling tests. And so she get's upset that I'm not "hanging out' with her but it's only a matter of time before she will start badgering me about taking tests and furthering my career. I feel like I can't win, nothing I do is good enough.

Perhaps I'm not as supportive as I should be, but that's only because quite honestly I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't most of the time....

deleted_user 07/10/2013

What's the big deal? She gets a call, you wish her well with the interview and she takes off...hmm simple right? Maybe ask her if she's feel better if you rode back with her (obviously that's what she wants), hopefully she can communicate the real reason why she got upset. It's stupid of her to get upset but even worse to start a fight over this. Maybe she is just insecure or nervous like others have mentioned, in that case (yeah a little needy) I'd go with and support her in the way she feels she needs support even if it's just you riding back with her. If leaving early to cater to her is something that really bothers you then be aware of that because things like this are sure to come up again. Changes are hard and new jobs/interviews can be scary so I don't think it's wrong of her to want you to be there with her or for her if you can, the timing is just shitty and she needs to be aware of that as well and not take 100% of your attention. Maybe she's nervous about the entire trip in general with all of these things going on in her life.

foreverstudent 07/10/2013

just got a text from my GF, it reads "And I have a 2nd interview this friday so your vacation won't be ruined"

That pissed me off, I'm so sick of this childish BS. At this point I've love to just go on vacation without her and turn my phone off for the week...but not I'm just typing with emotion

MTZ3 07/10/2013

The way I see it, your GF is a big girl. Had her interview been schedule during your visit with family, she is more than capable to drive back herself, and do the interview by herself. She can call/ text you for support.

If the table were turned, and you had a job interview scheduled during one her visits with her family, would she drop her plans with her family, drive back with you, to provide emotional support for you during your interview?

foreverstudent 07/10/2013

The answer to that question is simply "no" or a very begrudgingly "yes" which I would be paying for a long long time

MTZ3 07/10/2013

Well, I think you have a valid reason to not be happy. I get she may be stressed with trying to find a job, but really, if she is old enough to sell herself during a job interview,, and old enough to have a job (have responsibility), she is old enough to travel back herself, and do interview without you being physically nearby. Being available to talk on the phone text, is more than I think most would expect.

MTZ3 07/10/2013

Another way I look at it, there is no guarantee she will get the job or even if they offer it, no guarantee she will accept. If they want her badly, they will wait to schedule the interview outside a planned family vacation. I'd not want to work for someone who did not respect that either. . I get sometimes a current job schedule can make planning vacation difficult, but she is not employed by them yet. No experience, no pay check. She might not like it there, hope that makes sense.

MsTeriLyn 07/10/2013

This might be a good indicator that when you are both in good moods and things are rolling right along, its time to have an indepth conversation about what each of your 'needs' are (ie: what you need as a person on your own, and together as a couple)

We all have 'em...but many problems arise in marriages when we don't verbalize them to the other (expect the other to read our mind) and when we know their needs....but our character/personality etc. keeps us from meeting those needs.

You both have a lucky break here. Many people are so blissfully in love they don't have this opportunity to see the red flags :O)

MTZ3 07/10/2013

ugh, sorry for my rant. I was married to someone for many years who put work before everything, including family...on our honeymoon (Hawaii), frequently he'd call into work to check on things. He only stayed in that job for a year. Work is important, we all need the paycheck, but work will not be loyal to you like family. So that is part of where my last post came from. Sorry.

I don't think your gf is that way (like my ex), probably the opposite, it sounds like she expects you to put her wants/ needs first (which in this case, emotional support during her job interview, which is important to her). But you have wants/ needs too, spending time with your family, which is why you need to sit down an talk. This is small in the grand scheme of things. Yet something to be aware of if stuff like this comes up frequently.

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