Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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sunnyjax 08/06/2016

So he came over.

Now I feel super super confused.

He had bought a car load of complete random stuff from the house. I just dont get it at all.

But then we talked some, and I cried some. He said it was over and what's done is done. Then we chatted some more about family and what was going on with everyone. I said some things I wanted to say, he said some things and it felt nice.

Then he asked me if we could go for a coffee or lunch. I agreed and said 'why not'

He took my hand as we walked through the city. It was nice.

We found somewhere to eat and had a nice talk over lunch, it was as if we had never been apart. ( I know I am romanticising there!) He said 'did you se that a guy nearly got run over as he was looking at me?' We talked some more over lunch about us and the future and how he wanted to continue to work together and what I should do with my accounts. He said he had left his wedding ring in my jewellery box for me to do with as I wished. We had a long hug as he set off, he told me he loved me and always would. It felt so nice. I miss him. One minute he was saying he wanted me to come home but I didnt so it is over, the next minute he says he cant sleep without me and just wants me to come home. The next minute its over, then I love you. As he left he said 'try and be excited about your new life here'.

Im so confused.

What just happened?

Have I just had an almighty mind fuck?!!!

johnnycake 08/06/2016

I'm sorry that you are hurting. Some ambivalence and confusion at the end of a relationship is normal. Don't be confused by any display of kindness. It is easier to be nice when you know the relationship war is over. Whether or not you understand the reasons for the breakup, living in a state of denial will prevent you from healing. Even if you want to, and believe that you know how to change things, give yourself and your soon-to-be-ex some space and time to heal. In the days to come, you will begin to see the past with more clarity, and the future in a more positive light. For now, scrutinize the bad parts of the old relationship, with a plan to avoid making the same mistakes next time.

rmb 08/06/2016

Johnnycake, that's some really good advice.

I don't know that he's intentionally messing with your head. I think he's just trying to process it all, just like you are, and maybe he has mixed emotions too. Despite his past behavior, I'm sure part of him is sad you're gone. So he's maybe expressing that. I think when he confuses you like that, you have to remind yourself that during the duration of your relationship, I'm sure there were moments when he was kind, tender and sweet. But you have to remember also all those other times when he was rotten and cruel. That's not to say you spend the rest of your life remembering all the bad times. I just think for now, it's important to re-direct your thoughts to help you when it does feel confusing.

I think this is a critical time for you right now because you are vulnerable after just having left, so I would really try to keep a bit of distance from him until some time has passed. That's what I would do anyway, just to help me feel more in control of the situation.

sunnyjax 08/06/2016

I loved his kindness but it felt weird too., I knew it was a mistake to go for lunch. It felt weird and inappropriate. I think the term is cognitive dissonance.
I think I'm scared that if I'm not compliant he will make life difficult for me. I know I'm vulnerable right now. I should have known better. But for a while the pain stopped. But now it's worse. Siiiggghhh

SunCloudJD 08/06/2016

I agree that it can seem really strange to have a longstanding relationship come to an end AND there is almost always a honeymoon period after abuse... This needed to be over sj.... You've been struggling for a long time... You will heal .. It will take some time... Big hug...xo

OTM64 08/06/2016

DO NOT get sucked in by this horrible man again my friend. Of course it is confusing. I would stop all contact with this guy so you can make a clean go of things.

sunnyjax 08/06/2016

I'm cross with myself.
He even offered to do my accounts for me, to be part of a business together again. It was exactly what got me into this in the first place!
I'm really worried about getting a lawyer to do this for me, I have no money. So I feel I need to keep him on my side somehow...
He is not someone to piss off!

rmb 08/06/2016

That may be why he's showing so much generosity of spirit, because he's afraid you are going to get a lawyer, so this is how he's playing it, that he just wants to work it out between the two of you so you don't get an attorney involved. My take on that is that, regardless of what deal is worked out, whether it's between you and him, or through the courts, you still should make it legally binding, to protect yourself and really, so it's all documented for him as well. That way, neither one of you can try to circumvent the agreement.

Do not be angry with yourself. Just use it as information you need to arm yourself should you need to.

AgentSmith 08/06/2016

He's being nice because this is literally what every single abuser does when their victim is escaping. It's called Hoovering. He's trying to suck you back in so that he regains control.

SunCloudJD 08/07/2016

I would call an Woman's Abuse Hotline sj... They will be able to advise you and there may be someone there that will be able to give you legal advise... You deserve better... Don't go back

sunnyjax 08/07/2016

I really wish i hadnt seen him. I was so much better. He wants to keep involved with me in a business sense and has offered to do my accounts....in some ways this sounded attractive but in lots of other ways it sounds unhelpful.
He wants to pay me monthly too, but he told me he is dipping in to his pension pot so i know he could get a lump sum. I would rather not be chasing him every month! Sigh. I was hoping to not need a lawyer but im thinking it might be best.

rmb 08/07/2016

Do not agree to.anything financially until you get advice from an attorney or an advocate. You have to keep reaching out to your resources during this time for advice and support. And whatever agreement is made between you and him, seriously, it needs to be a legal agreement. That's how stuff eventually turns bad. Better to go through attorneys now so you both are working within clear cut expectations and rules, than try later when he can claim you all had some agreement.

Do not let fear of what he may or may not do dictate your decision making. You keep yourself under his thumb by doing that.

johnnycake 08/07/2016

I'm with rmb on the accounts business. Having the ex keep your books is a recipe for disaster.

SunCloudJD 08/08/2016

I would stop any contact with this man sj... This is just about keeping it going... It's not like your relationship just died but you were still really friendly... He treated you horribly... A cup of coffee shouldn't wipe this out... I can see that you are still hanging on to hope.... I can't imagine he will change... So it will come down to whether or not you want to sweetie... Big hug....xo

gebaird 08/08/2016

Even though he said, "it's over," his actions spoke otherwise -- I think he is still trying to win you back, and the moment he realizes you aren't coming back things could turn very ugly very fast. Don't do anything to antagonize him, of course, but hold your ground. If he had always been that kind to you before, you wouldn't be leaving him. He had his chance. Now take your chance to be free.

OTM64 08/08/2016

Cut him out of your life completely, You do not need him to help you with your business, he is manipulating you.

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