Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My husband says I have unrealistic expectations of him. He doesn't like to kiss and I love it, for example. He says it's just not something he can do. He had an inappropriate relationship with someone (online-he didn't get physical with her, but it was emotional), and has since stopped having the inappropriate relationship, but still keeps in friendly contact with her saying that since nothing is going on it shouldn't matter and that I need to let go of what happened and trust him. He works long hours, so he finds it unrealistic of me to ask him to do romantic things. He comes home and he'll lay with me at night and we watch movies together and hang out together, but I just need something else. I am not even really sure what I want anymore. I just want him to be in love with me. I'd like him to play with my hair and look in my eyes and say sweet things to me. I'd like him to smile at me and reassure me when I am scared and confused about our relationship. He just isn't that kind of person though. He says he shouldn't have to reassure me about anything because for one, I should know he loves me because he works so hard for our family and two, I should just be confident in myself and not need that from anyone else. He has told me I was beautiful once in our entire relationship (almost 5 years total, dating and marriage). He just doesn't give compliments, not because he is a jerk or doesn't feel attracted to me, I think he just feels awkward and doesn't know what to say. If I tell him what to say then he definitely won't say it because I had to tell him to do it and that makes him feel stupid I guess. It isn't that he never does anything I want him to do or that I need from him, it's just that I feel like we don't really connect on an emotional level and I hate that he is okay with that. The things that matter to me (like compliments and gentle touches) don't matter to him. That makes me feel like I don't matter to him, because if I did he would try to make me happy. But, as he says, I shouldn't depend on him for happiness, I should just be happy. I just don't understand that... I mean, I kind of know what he is saying and no, I don't depend on him for happiness entirely... it's not like I just sit at home crying all day and I can't get out of bed until he comes home and tells me I'm gorgeous or something. But, he IS my husband, shouldn't he have SOMETHING to do with my happiness? Am I not supposed to depend on him for anything but paying my bills for me? Does he only rely on me to take care of the kids so he can go to work? We had a really bad fight this morning and then he went to work... I called him a little while ago and he sounds like he is just fine now. He goes to work and gets in a different mindset and deals with other people and he can put our fights out of his mind. I stay home, where the fight occured, and can't stop thinking about it all day. I deal with 3 kids under the age of 3 which just adds to my stress. Is it really unrealistic to expect my husband to care about my happiness? Or to be romantic? Or to care about what matters to me? Where do you draw the line between being confident in yourself and needing reassurance? Can I really just assume that he loves me just because we're married and he brings home a paycheck? I'm just so confused...
He may have had this cyber affair and you accepted him back. He is still friends with this woman and he "chat's" with her. Watch that he is not covering something up. Just to be safe, ok.
Second thing, some people do things to show they appreciate the people in their life. Ok, for instance me. I wash the dishes because I want to show the other person in my life that they matter and I love them. I am very socially ackward and probably for great reason - I am autistic. He could have asperger's (an autism spectrum disorder), but that needs to be investigated and should be mutual in decision.
Now what do you mean when you say, you need something else? What does that mean? Are you beginning to look elsewhere?
First of all, it is not another person that should make us happy. If you are made to do something or feel something, then you are held hostage by that. He should add to your happiness. You tend to have an all or nothing mentality, so it come out in your writing. I am afraid that you have a broken view of love. I do have a thousand and one questions that I would like to ask, but I think that would helpful or unnecessary.
You are focusing on what he does for you and the family. Ok. He is right you should not rely on him for happiness. And when he gets to work and has to function, this is how people are. Are you expecting him to be mad for years because you had a fight one morning? The only thing I can say it to get some professional help together in order to see what is really going on here. I think you have put the major issues out there and you mention how it is because of what he does and says, but then you come out with a feeling that you make yourself equal in the problem making. I think you have to understand his perspective and also change this view of love. Nobody should make you happy, you should be happy because something pleases you. I think that his cyber trist has also weighed heavy on you also. I think you need to examine why this is all happening and what is going on. And seek that professional.
It must be so frustrating to feel starved of affection its hard to know what to say to help you get him to hear you as you have already spoken to him. Have you tried counselling especially as he had an on line relationship...and even if there was no physical contact that had to hurt you deeply especially as you feel so lacking in love from him and whether its emotional or sexy on line chat it's still cheating.
If your hubby refuses to go to counselling you could go on your own...l know 3 little ones under 5 you'd need a sitter l don't know if thats possible...but you need some help and advice and a professional could help you long term with what to do for the best because staying as you are isn't working for you and as he's already emotionally strayed once it isn't working for him either.
In order for you to have a fulfilling mutual relationship, there needs to be seriously some hard work rennovation via couples therapy or the two of you should break up (get divorced) and enjoy the rest of your separate lives.
It just sounds like he's on a totally different page than you in terms of values and needs and sensitivity and what each of you considers part of the arrangement. Just because he's your husband doesn't mean it's working out. In modern times in English-speaking countries it is acceptable to move on and find happiness elsewhere in a more compatible future husband.
I actually feel good when I read about people getting divorced because to me it represents people who have jumped a hurdle and are getting on with living their lives and enjoying life despite some initial setbacks. I've witnessed people give each other hell for decades and cause each other and themselves emotional damage. It's just not worth it.
Seems like things really really need to change for the better with his active involvement or otherwise it's all just rearranging the chairs on the deck of the Titanic while it's sinking.
It is NOT unrealistic to expect a husband to care about your happiness or to be romantic or to care about what matters to you. However it might be unrealistic to expect your current particular guy to fulfill those roles. He's not doing such a good job right now seems like, right? Bringing home a paycheck is not the full embodyment of love. Even back in the 1940's and 50's I don't think it was love either, though many people suffered through it for the sake of conformity.
You will gain self-confidence with every step that you show self-respect. Your kids will also respect you more in the long run too when they eventually understand how you chose to do what is healthy for you--taking care of yourself also. This is why I don't think kids are a reason to stay in a bad marriage. I think it is more damaging to them to see either or both of their parents under duress or being too dominant or too submissive.
Cooperation is healthy for everyone. Beyond that, it's better to agree to disagree and cut losses and build and nurture happiness and stability elsewhere. The seeds of love need fertile ground.
My father was like your husband. My mother wanted to feel he loved her. But it was strong in his mind that the man must be the one bringing the paycheck and the woman the one who takes care of the house and children.
We are three kids. Our parents never really fought, but we felt bad the missing presence of our father. Even when he was home, he wasn't there, if you see what I mean.
We all ended up having self-esteem and self-confidence issues. My mother stayed with him for us, and though it was an hard time when they broke up, it allowed us to move forward.
I went in therapy, and I learned how the missing lovely presence of a father has affected me.
We all need to feel the approbation and love of others. Humans are social people. That means that what peers say to us, and how they perceive us, and how we understand they perceive us is a pretty important point. Not to be neglected.
It took a separation for my father to see he had to change.
He said he didn't need to say he loved my mother, or us, because we should understand it by the fact he was working so hard to bring money in...
But we need to hear the words, to see love in others eyes, to feel loved.
I see nothing wrong with the fact that you want him to be there for you. My bf often tells me that being in a couple means to share tears and laughter, good days and bad days, achievements and deceptions. Everything negative, once shared, is halfed. Everything positive multiply when shared...
I feel so good to know that in this wild world, there's someone who cares, and wanting to feel that way is human.
There is an experiment that shows pretty well the need to feel loved of humans.
They took two groups of babies. One group was given minimal cares, that is in a pretty non personnal way, the other one was given minimal cares, but in a way more personnal way.
The babies of the first group were letting themselves die.
They changed the order, that is the first group was given loving cares, the other minimal cares, and the babies of the second group just let themselves die.
They had all they needed, food, diapers changed, sleep times, etc., and they were just letting themselves die.
They weren't biased, they were babies...
We all need and deserve love.
If your husband don't want to consider couple counseling, your marriage will never be happy, and it could have a pretty bad long term effect on your kids...
Now on, the decision is yours...
Good luck! and stay strong...
A husband is supposed to be a partner, not a life support system.