Big hug for you Given.... If you can get into some therapy for you and not for the marriage .... This can help you with self esteem and coping

A group for trauma could help you as well as other coping skills such as grounding techniques for anxiety and mindfulness meditation

I don't know what to say about tips to stay in it.... He won't change if he's a narcissist as you know

I'm sorry that you're being so badly hurt.... Big hug.....xo

Hello Given...You sound a lot like me. I have some long entries in this forum about mainly the same thing.
So I am certainly not here to give tons of advice or have the answers, that is for sure.
You may be able to go back and find some of what I have written.
Your post sounds so much like me, all the way down to the point about trying to be affectionate. Mine has such a problem that we are not, but I have been put down for so long, it is hard to get back to that place.

I am sure many others here will have some good advice and tips for you.
I am in a terrible state right now because of the same thing.

My best and strength to you.

My suggestion is to write out a written game plan for achieving your goal of getting out. Keep it secret and don’t talk about separation with this partner. What do you need to do to get out? Make a list. Consider this your time of preparation and something to endure while you overcome and achieve your objective.

I think we get so beat down that we start to think in I can’t rather than I can. You deserve better!

I think we loose our spirits trying to stay with an abusive partner. We can’t make people think rationally or be a good person. We can only work on ourselves. We can change how we think and react and we can get stronger but we can’t change the other person. You may benefit from counseling as was said by others. Start to take care of yourself first. Let go of wanting him to change. And yes, the emotional abuse and criticism does tend to kill the desire because we can’t trust them. There are some good videos on YouTube from Dr Ramani about narcissism. Be sure to delete your history if you are using a shared computer at home. Big hugs to you.

I interpreted your post to mean you want to leave but can’t at the moment because he supports you and so you are looking for ways to cope until you can get out. If that’s the case, I would just try to start getting a plan together for when you are ready to leave. If you are married, seek a free divorce consultation so you know exactly what to expect if you leave.

Given you are so young, do you have family or friends who could help you if you leave, until you are back on your feet?

In the meantime, I would try to compartmentalize a bit so you aren’t internalizing all his negativity and crappy remarks. It’s hard but you have to remind yourself what he says to you is really about him not you. It’s ok to walk away when he’s being terrible to you.

I'm in the same boat ... but? they say more males are Narcissist my wife is one and has no clue she is , but? she was never like this i get blamed for anything ,,even her co-worker affair << yeah lets call it that because she claims " nothing happened" but he fed her ego and she claims my disability's pushed her towards another male ..no honey it was a "choice" my disability didn't lead me into another woman or seeking another , nor your cold hearted ways toushe`.. but i understand where you are coming from, but one thing i'm learning as today as time goes by is i kill her with kindness , she'll try to pick an arguement of a bread crumb that she left on the counter and point the finger at me .. when i clearly look at her and tell her , YOU made Rasin TOAST i didnt then silent comes , but not even a " im sorry " i get i forgot smh ... I was just inform by another form i belong too , you can describe their behavior v-email .. and titled it " here you are " this is you i havent tried it yet but i just might

Thank you everyone. Your words are so appreciated and it helps just saying it out loud. I actually am in a financial position where I can leave. I actually make more money than he does. I just can't mentally bring myself to do it. This is my second marriage. I have a young daughter. She cares very much for him I believe. We just moved into a new home, close to all her friends. She's very happy. Loves her life. I can't bring myself to put her through a second broken family. I'm angry with myself for ignoring the flags I saw from the beginning. I put myself in this situation. I knew better. I can't really say why I pressed on. I think I thought I could live through the bad for the moments of good. They say you accept the love you think you deserve. I see that maybe I have more internal work to do then I thought. I come from a pretty chaotic world. My mom left when I was young, my dad was a violent alcoholic. I raised my sister and became an adult too fast. I didn't respect myself very much as a teenager and certainly fell in with a bad crowd. Luckily I snapped out of that and am successful today, evidentially I didn't change as much as I thought. I am disappointed and think I feel like I made my bed and now need to lie in it. Problem is I can't seem to find a way the lie in it without feeling lonely and depressed. He wants affection, says I'm not capable of giving it. I know I am. I can't find a way to give it to someone who speaks to me and dismisses me the way he does. I want desperately to find a way to push through it. I wish I knew how. Thank you for just being here. It just feels good to talk.

Pretending in a relationship is not natural or sustainable. That’s why it’s hard to push through.

You sound very self aware; I think that is a tremendous quality in people. Keep talking and writing it out. The answers are in there.

I would look into getting into some therapy for Complex Trauma from your childhood... It affects you ongoing without help

There are several people who have this due to painful childhoods on our PTSD board

Here is some good info from a great therapist..... Big hug

http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

Don't stay in the marriage if it's unhealthy. It doesn't make sense being with someone who makes you unhappy and disregards your feelings. If he is uncaring for you and unsympathetic then you need to leave. The whole point in being in a marriage is feeling loved and like you're in a partnership. When that aspect is out the door, then it is time to move on. You two are supposed to be equals. Their are women's shelters, get on the waiting list, that's what I did. You can find your own place afterwards later down the road. You can make it on your own, and some day you'll stand on your own two feet, but for now be making slow quiet steps to leave. Don't sit and suffer in silence please, I know that all too well from past experience.

Oh lol, just read your response, then run! girl run. If I'd of had the resources you do when I was in that position I'd be out the door in seconds.

I myself put up with emotional abuse.. no physical.. just the sence he can control me with words-mind games and of course his projection back to me.. my sister also is where i used to be.. you don't change things because your afraid of the outcome.. her hub wants her to just walk out and make his life easy..i used to have thoughts i can only discribe has--how deep do i have to dig a patio to throw him in.. awful i know but thats supressed frustration at myself.. hard road ahead but breaking free is the best way.

Take back your self control. either he puts up or shuts up.

Given I have to add that you think that this is good for your daughter.....Your daughter is learning how women should be treated by men by what she's seeing and hearing in your relationship
Kids don't miss much..... xo

I have agree with SunCloud. Your daughter may suffer by staying, more than leaving, because you and your husband are modeling a dysfunctional relationship for her and she’s in a way being shown you just have to put up and shut up. She will take that with her always. I think we assume kids don’t pick up on things if it’s not literally happening before their eyes, but kids are little sensitive, intuitive sponges, absorbing everything. I was when I was a kid. I bet you were too. My mom put up with my dad’s terrible behavior for 18 years. And what she thought was hidden from me and my siblings was not. I know that influenced some poor relationship decisions I made in my early adulthood.

Many things are simply not push through/able. We tell ourselves all kinds of stories to pretend. You can choose to stay or continue with how things are for how they are. Doing nothing is a choice. It sounds like you don’t really like your husband and what if you were honest with yourself first and honest with him second. What about telling him how you truly feel and how his critical nature hurts you. What if he knows you aren’t so warm to him now? Couples counseling could provide a safe place to discuss this stuff.