I struggle with this daily. I been with my boyfriend for almost four years and we live together. Yet there is just something that wont let me fully trust him. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that i was married for ten year to a man that cheated on me for almost 8 of the tem years that we were married. And another reason is that when we got together he stilled live with a women. I have to tell myself all the time that he loves me and that there really is no sign that he wants to be with someone else. I have never been a jealous person but i get jealous alot these past few months. We went to dinner with a girl from a class that he is in. I mean we went together and i should have no reason to be jealous but i was the whole time we were there. And I dont know what to do? I know this doesnt help you but I can understand where you come from.

It does help - it helps to know I'm not alone in this mind-set. I do my best to work on it because I know it's a bit much, but I feel damaged from past disappointments. I struggle to trust that everything is okay - and if I set my mind for the worst case scenario - maybe it won't hurt as bad when it happens again. But this thinking is unhealthy and keeps me from enjoying the good i have now.

My thoughts have keep me from even taking to my boyfriend for the past week. i mean when we have to I talk to him but not like normal. I really want to reach out to him and tell him what I am feeling but a part of me thinks that he just going to tell me what I want to hear. like i have nothing to worry about and then a part of me thinks he might just say what i am fearing. I am sick over and i dont know where to start to fix this.

Yeah, sometimes I get upset and want to hold back/ not talk to him. I think - let me give him a taste of how it feels, but I think that's the problem. He doesn't think like I do, and he wouldn't even think of it as alarming. I really know that half the issue isn't him not liking me or what have you - its me not trusting that things are going fine. I'm working on it though. Slowly. Baby steps. I am trying to just be in the moment more and enjoy it - i can't control what happens. Rather than worrying about something that may (or may not) happen or be true... I'm working hard on enjoying what we have - in an effort to not ruin it, too. In the past I'd go to him with these insecurities and he would react in a manner like he has no clue what i was talking about and I believe it... i think in his mind everything was A-OK. The fact that I was feeling these insecurities then caused him to feel something was wrong, i was unhappy, and ultimately I think it caused strain on things with my (irrational) insecurities. So, Ive learned to bite my tongue more and I'm using this site as my outlet to vent. Almost always, it all pans out and things are fine.

Something I read that has helped me too - is when i start thinking negative thoughts - i replace them with a recent happy moment we shared. Like, last weekend him getting excited for me that my birthday is coming up and rubbing my leg. Asking what I wanted to do. It's work though.

Also, I write things on paper - i know this sounds silly but it helps. I write - John Doe loves you. He just shows it differently. He cares about you. Everything is OK. You have a boyfriend who cares and is happy in this relationship. Reading this helps reinforce some positive thinking. Again, I know its silly but it has helped. Whatever works at this point. I exhaust myself.

Thank you and I will try some of those. its helped just putting here

Oh, yeah, sure, I struggle with this stuff. But you've got to let the mind go somewhere else, create something else that brings you pleasure. Keep creating. Create, create, create. And try to relax.

hi

I wished that I had found the advice from amazingly awhile ago...when a negative thought comes in, replace it with a positive.

My situation was a little different because he had lied to me, so there were reasons to mistrust.... but, I know that my insecurities created drama for us and ultimately it caused the demise of our relationship.

I became frustrated and him in turn not so nice.... Not a good outcome. So, please learn from me. If there is no reason for you to be insecure try to work on your self esteem and learn to love yourself. Hugs.

Thanks, Koolman... I know half the battle is too much time on my hands. When I'm busy it's less of an issue because it's off my mind.

An Idle Mind Is The Devil's Workshop

Thanks, Charlottta - I am working hard on my insecurities. It's tough, but I see progress already. Lately, I have been holding back on my impulsive desire to react to an assumption (based on an insecurity) and I have noticed that EVERY time... I am *so* happy I did so. I see how past arguments I've created were not only damaging, but they probably made me look unstable. I know this has caused my BF to slightly take a step back. Understandably. It's minimal, but I feel the distance. So, now, I'm working on myself and watching how it's healing our relationship. It's work though. Habits are hard to break and new ones hard to form. Oye.

Yesterday I found it so helpful to read the third agreement in The Four Agreements - Don't make assumptions. Boy, am I guilty of that one. We all are but I am extremely guilty of it.

Every day in every way - things are getting better.

hugs!

I am guilty too of making assumptions. It is strange, I knew this about myself, but I do not really think I was "completely self aware".

My relationship with my ex was very up and down. I was not abusive like he was, but I think I understand a little better how I also contributed to the drama.

Thank you for being brave and posting about this topic. Now, I just have to work on self forgiveness.