Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I am so sick of feeling like less of a person then my SO. We have been together for almost seven years. We own a home together, a newer car, we have a three year old daughter.
When we first met he did not work as he had had a kidney transplant. He sitll lived with his parents and was 20. I had moved out at 17, was working full time and attending college. When we went out I paid, no complaints, I never felt put upon or like I was being taken advantage of. Also I should say that he was a tad chunky and I was thin.
Fast forward many years and now I stay at home with our daughter. I run an in home private day care that brings in about 1800 a month. In the last two weeks I have lost almost all that income due to school starting and moves but that doesn't affect how this goes. He works outside of the home five days a week, 8-12 hours a day, and brings in 2600-3800 a month. He has lost considerable weight since his job now is labour intensive and I have put on weight. Paritally due to having a child, partially due to the fact that I eat when Im unhappy.
He treats me like less of a person now. My opinions don't matter, me feelings don't matter. The fact that I do ALL of the cooking and cleaning doesn't matter. The fact that I am the one who mows the lawn, takes out the trash, does all the laundry, cooks all the meals, does all the cooking, all the sweeping, mopping, dishes. I do over three quarters of the care for our daughter, none of that matters to him since he brings in more money.
He is constantly undermining me IN FRONT of our toddler, because him being the part time parent means he knows best. Here's a run down of our typical day.
Him- Up for work between 430am and 630am depending on start time. Work. Home between 4-6, if he doesn't stop for a beer. He watches TV and snacks while laying on the living room floor, he eats supper, he leaves for hockey, returns home, showers, packs lunch and goes to bed.
Me- I get up between 7-8am. I feed our daughter breakfast and have other kids being dropped off. We do puzzles, go outside and play, have a snack. While kids snack I clean up toys from morning. They do free play while I sweep, vaccuum, load and/or empty the dishwasher. Eat lunch, which I cook. The kids nap. I do laundry, mop if need be, change our bedding, clean the washroom, etc etc etc. The kids get up. We do a craft, or play some more. They start to get picked up and once again I am picking up toys. Immediatley after they are all gone I have to cook. Feed family. Clean up supper. Clean up trash from snacks he has left on floor. Pick up dirty, sawdust filled clothes he has left in the hall and on the living room floor.Vaccuum again. Play with our daughter, get her bathed, teeth brushed, in pjs and too bed. Then listen to him whine about how I should pack his lunch since he's tired and I did nothing. After a bit I have to go put away saranwrap, put dirty dishes from his yesterdays lunch that he tosses onto the counter, into the dishwasher. Wipe up the bread crumbs and fruit juices he has left on the counter and floor. By then I usually have another load of laundry ready to fold so I fold it and leave it on the couch to put away in the morning. Then FINALLY, I can shower and go to bed. So two to three hours after him usually as I do sit and watch a bit of TV as when he's awake it's all his choices as to what goes on.
I feel taken advantage of and angry. I'm bitter, I can't ever sleep in because the house is destroyed when I get up. Our daughter does not listen to me at all when he's around as he doesn't even pretend he cares what I say. He puts me down and makes remarks all the time about other women. He wasn't like this is the start and I AM SO DONE WITH IT!!
Because I run a home based business I've put myself in a tough situation to move out, I can't leave without losing employment. Losing employment means no income. But I'm checking out differernt ways right now. I'm done feeling like I'm not as important, or as great as he is.
When we first met he did not work as he had had a kidney transplant. He sitll lived with his parents and was 20. I had moved out at 17, was working full time and attending college. When we went out I paid, no complaints, I never felt put upon or like I was being taken advantage of. Also I should say that he was a tad chunky and I was thin.
Fast forward many years and now I stay at home with our daughter. I run an in home private day care that brings in about 1800 a month. In the last two weeks I have lost almost all that income due to school starting and moves but that doesn't affect how this goes. He works outside of the home five days a week, 8-12 hours a day, and brings in 2600-3800 a month. He has lost considerable weight since his job now is labour intensive and I have put on weight. Paritally due to having a child, partially due to the fact that I eat when Im unhappy.
He treats me like less of a person now. My opinions don't matter, me feelings don't matter. The fact that I do ALL of the cooking and cleaning doesn't matter. The fact that I am the one who mows the lawn, takes out the trash, does all the laundry, cooks all the meals, does all the cooking, all the sweeping, mopping, dishes. I do over three quarters of the care for our daughter, none of that matters to him since he brings in more money.
He is constantly undermining me IN FRONT of our toddler, because him being the part time parent means he knows best. Here's a run down of our typical day.
Him- Up for work between 430am and 630am depending on start time. Work. Home between 4-6, if he doesn't stop for a beer. He watches TV and snacks while laying on the living room floor, he eats supper, he leaves for hockey, returns home, showers, packs lunch and goes to bed.
Me- I get up between 7-8am. I feed our daughter breakfast and have other kids being dropped off. We do puzzles, go outside and play, have a snack. While kids snack I clean up toys from morning. They do free play while I sweep, vaccuum, load and/or empty the dishwasher. Eat lunch, which I cook. The kids nap. I do laundry, mop if need be, change our bedding, clean the washroom, etc etc etc. The kids get up. We do a craft, or play some more. They start to get picked up and once again I am picking up toys. Immediatley after they are all gone I have to cook. Feed family. Clean up supper. Clean up trash from snacks he has left on floor. Pick up dirty, sawdust filled clothes he has left in the hall and on the living room floor.Vaccuum again. Play with our daughter, get her bathed, teeth brushed, in pjs and too bed. Then listen to him whine about how I should pack his lunch since he's tired and I did nothing. After a bit I have to go put away saranwrap, put dirty dishes from his yesterdays lunch that he tosses onto the counter, into the dishwasher. Wipe up the bread crumbs and fruit juices he has left on the counter and floor. By then I usually have another load of laundry ready to fold so I fold it and leave it on the couch to put away in the morning. Then FINALLY, I can shower and go to bed. So two to three hours after him usually as I do sit and watch a bit of TV as when he's awake it's all his choices as to what goes on.
I feel taken advantage of and angry. I'm bitter, I can't ever sleep in because the house is destroyed when I get up. Our daughter does not listen to me at all when he's around as he doesn't even pretend he cares what I say. He puts me down and makes remarks all the time about other women. He wasn't like this is the start and I AM SO DONE WITH IT!!
Because I run a home based business I've put myself in a tough situation to move out, I can't leave without losing employment. Losing employment means no income. But I'm checking out differernt ways right now. I'm done feeling like I'm not as important, or as great as he is.
He also won't consider counselling as he says nothing is wrong. Of course nothing is wrong. He doesn't have to do anything, ever. I do everything for him. And I can't just let the dishes pile up, or the garbage sit around, for him to see as my home is my bussiness and a messy home reflects very badly on me.
He won't leave. When we fight he refuses to sleep on the couch or elsewhere, I always do. Plus, when we bought his dad cosigned for us and I wasn't put on the title. Legally the house is half mine, but Im not a registered owner. And I wouldn't want the bills that come with this stupid house (his choice again, I didnt like this house at all). I would move out to an apartment or into low income houseing if they would take me until I was on my feet.
Hugs,
T.
It took me along time to realize it was his own unhappiness that he was inflicting on me. Misery loves company, right? He was a ver unhappy, insecure man with a drinking problem to top it off.
My resentment toward him grew for years until one day, something small set me off and I went out and rented an apartment and moved out the following week.
We had tried counseling but he told the therapist if I just lost weight he'd be happy. Fucker ...Food was my coping skill and in our years together I ballooned up 150 lbs. His approach of nagging and criticizing sure didn't produce the results he claimed to want. Honestly, we needed separate counseling. We both had self-esteem and a low sense of self-worth. I wish I'd started therapy before I moved out but I actually waited 4 years until my baggage was being inflicted upon my 2nd marriage and causing continued self-esteem/worth issues for me.
In the end, you need to do what is best for you. If you can start therapy right away, all the better.
I wish you much luck and happiness.
First - You didn't give him a pass when he was chunky because you made a point of saying he was. The difference here is he is telling you he is unhappy with your situation, but you didn't when he was in that condition. That one is on you because your holding it against him. So clearly it bothered you.
Second - Who says these things? Lots of couples. I have said it to my wife before. When our sexual encounters became less and she complained, I had no problem pointing out that she was falling WAY out of shape and therefore I was losing interest. Yeah it hurt. But so did I watching her let herself go. That is demeaning to the male, especially if your a person who enjoys the encounters. She joined the gym I had been a member of for years and we quickly reacquired that loving feeling again. Being married doesn't mean you die. And of course your not going to do it like you did when you dated. But then again there should still be some regard for one another. You should try to look your best because that's your life partner there. You should feed off each other. Honesty can hurt, but the truth ultimately heals all wounds. So blowing off that suggestion was a mistake because you made him feel unwanted and that's likely why he doesn't hang around. Yes, you were probably doing that to return the volley of feeling the same way, but how did that help your situation? It didn't.
Thirdly - If he works 8 to 12 hours a day, are you suppose to sleep in? Is he suppose to cook dinner after he has worked all day? I mean, didn't you quit your job to do this? How is that his fault? Don't you think he would like to have a day when he could just forget his calendar and play with his kids and fix them lunch too? And while we saw your itemized list of what you do, where is his list on his job? Does he not get paid to do something during the day? This sounds more like a personal dissatisfaction with what your doing rather what you think he should be doing. I think your insecure with working at home and playing the role your in. It's not for everyone, but it doesn't make it his fault either. If this is the dynamic you agreed to and your no longer liking it, then you need to readdress it.
Now it's abundantly obvious the resentment comes from the fact he just "checks in", then heads back out. Absolutely you should be pissed. But before you go chewing down his throat, I would sit back and examine your place in this situation first. You clearly come across as a person who feels he "owes you". And your rejecting him when he brings his concerns to you. So there is a huge divide here that that the two of you have BOTH contributed to. You resent his freedom. You resent the fact he can come and go while you feel glued to the homestead.
You need to dump the responsibility list and reestablish your bonds here. You can't do that if the two of you are ignoring each others opinions and then being critical at every turn. You need to come together from a positive vantage point and reestablish care for one another. This means if both of you join a gym then the two of you can go work out together instead of him going out at night. Work out plans for someone else to watch the kids or check to see if your local gym has childcare. Mine does (Urban Active). There are lots of way to improve your situation, but you have to be able to meet him half way. So examine your contributions to this issue as well and come to table with some peace offerings and see if he doesn't partake. I think it;s always best to examine your own role first. That way if he doesn't come around, then you know you've done the best you can and for the right reasons. Not out of anger or frustration for your own issues unrelated. I wish you the best.
First- I LIKE chunky guys. He did get a free pass because I truly didn't care. I think he is getting too thin, but if he is happy with it then so am I. I only brought it up because I seriously didn't care and he does.
Second-I HAVE joined a gym, I'm just not losing weight as fast as he would like. I didn't so much let myself go as had a child. Plus, I have a heart condition and was meant to be on bed rest for awhile but I couldn't actually do that so I just slowed it down. I AM trying to lose weight. And it's not just the off the cuff remark about my weight...he will point out other girls when we are out and tell me I should look more like them. Or he will tell a waitress at our table, that he wishes I had hair like hers etc etc etc. He once asked a girl where she got her shirt, then right in front of her said 'oh, never mind, your too fat to wear that anyways'.
Third-he works 8-12 hours for about two months a year. The other ten he works 5-8. I ALSO work, but for more hours. I am at home, but I run a business. I work 10 hours and up daily as wel,l, all year long. Just because I am in my home does not mean it's less work. When was the last time you entertained six toddlers and managed to not have your head and house explode? Yes, I do believe he should have to cook sometimes. Yes I do believe it's not too much to ask to have him put his garbage in the trash and his laundry away. If I was at home all day doing nothing it may be alright. But I'm not, I bring in an income and I work. I do what I do because childcare was so expensive and I couldn't find one that he would also agree on and since it is our child together we have to agree on things like that. As for sleeping in, we both get Saturday and Sunday off. So I should let him sleep in and I should do everything? A bit chauvanistic don't you think??
I know I am not blamless, nor did I ever claim to be. I can be hard to live with, I can have my mood swings. But I'm not as evil as you make it sound.
Communication won't be restablished, I have tried. More times then I care to count. He will get up in the middle of me asking him how his day went to turn on the TV, sit down and watch it. And he has not asked me how my day went, ever, even though I have told him it would be nice if he could show some interest in what I do some days as well. We have tried sitting down, no distractions, and talking out what needs to be changed. And while I can admit what I need to fix...he refuses to admit that anything about him has to be changed. Did you know that in seven years he has said the words 'I'm sorry' exactly eight times. IN SEVEN YEARS!! He does not assume blame, ever. He asked me to start dressing girlier, I'm trying....regardless of the fact that I have NEVER dressed that way...he asked me to pay less attention to my cell phone, I leave it at home when we go out and he blatantly ignores me. He has asked me to make sure his favorite work pants are clean for Mondays, and every weekend I sort through the laundry to make sure that those pants get washed.
And regardless of where my resentment comes from, I have it. And we are past the point of rekindling anything. At least for me we are, I can only repeat the same things so many times.
He isn't all bad. I shouldn't just say bad things. He does bring in the bigger income. And he is a good dad in general....he is attempting to work on the discipline part since I got mad about me always having to be the mean parent. He can make me happy, and he does sometimes. I just think the bad is starting to outweigh the good. And I'm scared I'm stuck.
Someone has told me to look into emotional abuse and narcassistic tendencies. So I am. And maybe it will shed some light on the things that occur in our relationship and maybe even it will offer a way I can try to fix it. Because as much as I know I have to go....part of me doesn't want to. I've taken steps to leaving...so if I find a possible solution and try and it fails....well, that's that then.
I would get as fit and hot as I possibly could and then never let that SOB touch me! lol
Don't have much advice because there is really no way to turn a total frog into a prince is there?
You are kind to go out of your way to make sure he has his favorite work pants. I think I'd loosen the back seam so all cute waitresses could laugh at the bozo with the hole in his pants!
Take care of yourself. Lose weight if YOU want to lose weight. Know that the most precious thing in this world is your child and you deserve to be treated just as you would want her to be treated when she grows up and is in a relationship. Next time he pulls his rude hateful routine with you.... you should ask him if he hopes that when his daughter grows up that she finds a man as kind and compassionate as he is to you.. That should at least make him view things from a different perspective if only for a moment.
Sending positive vibes your way! hang in there