Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hey all, this is my first post on here, but I feel that I would be able to get some help and hopefully to share some stories and support others. I'm a 23 year old male, and my girlfriend is a 23 year old female. We've been together for 3 years. In 2022 we both moved out of our parents house due to necessity. Our parents were both extremely abusive, so we felt it was the best choice. We've lived in 2 different apartments together, and of course like anyone, our finances are terrible. This post is not really about my partner, it's about myself. I have not been diagnosed, but have the symptoms of high blood pressure. Especially anger problems. We argue about stupid stuff sometimes, say how a towel should be on the towel bar, and more often than not, I end up extremely angry, sometimes yelling, screaming, swearing, and recently, hitting my hands on the steering wheel of the car, or in today's case I put my fist through the wall. I am currently on a wait list to speak with someone about my mental health. I feel that a lot of why I blow up so frequently is due to repressed stress, about finances especially, among other issues as well. I don't really have a question to ask anybody, more just looking to get it out there. I am a terrible person, with a lot of problems. It's a wonder she has not left me yet. How am I able to make everything up to her this time, and grow as a person? Has anybody else come from what they think is the lowest possible point one could be at, to being a normal, functioning human being? I don't feel like it's possible. I feel like I am doomed to be hot headed forever.
-
Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
Yup, been there done that, now at 70 I know that life is too short to be angry, At your age and through to about 40 I was an angry person.
Please give yoiurself Credit!!! You are waiting to see someone for help. A therapy I found very helpful was DBT, it's a way to live your life and Not Let Your Emotions Ruin Your Life. https://peerguideddbtlessons.weebly.com/index1.html
Saying you are sorry if this has continued for a long time might be empty words, Better would be Acknowledging and Digging Deep on your own to figure out what is bothering you, and What You Can Do....share with your partner that info.
If you feel like you are going to explode, Walk Away, just say I need 15 minutes and we can talk and go for a walk or something...breaking the anger cycle is hard...it's so much easier to be angry than figuring out your feelings.
Prices of everything are So High....I'm on social security so I have to watch my pennies. What I did was make a budget of All Expenses, pay myself first 10%, put 10% of income into an emergency fund, and 10% into savings. Before you spend one penny ask yourself do I "need" this or "want this"....no more DD coffee, or eating out etc. Make a financial goal...lots of info online :)
Best of Luck!!!
It is very positive that you reached out to people on this forum. That is a good start. Hearing other perspectives is very valuable in life.
Take care of what needs to be healed within yourself and you will have a good life. If you decide to do your internal or emotional work, you will find positive relationships and work life.
You recognize you need help and that is a very good thing. You do not have to wait until forever for someone else to help you change. Keep that appointment but start journaling now, at least try it for a solid month every evening. You can start right now. On your own and then when the appointment comes up, you will have begun. No one else can change us but ourselves.
I am going to suggest you help yourself by getting a paper journal and write pen to paper in your journal every evening. Get out how you feel on paper with honesty. Name your feelings. Examine your feelings. What lies beneath the anger. Anger is a masking emotion. Something else is going on that you have to dig deeper for. And then take a few minutes to write 3-5 things you are grateful for that day. Even a good cup of coffee. This exercise does two things: allows you to name and release your feelings and creates a mindset of being grateful rather than just angry.
Right now you see your feelings as "not okay" which drives the anger. Next time you start to get that uncomfortable mental feeling that ends up in huge anger problems, stop and name your feeling (don't say anger, say fear, say need, say lack of self esteem, boredom, whatever it is).
When we come from abusive or dysfunctional homes, we often want control. We want to control others and our jobs and our lives because we had no control at home. The arguments over how to hang a towel are examples of both sides needing to be 100% right and needing to be in control. You have never lived alone where you would have 100% control over everything in your apartment and so naturally you want it now. Perhaps she wants 100% control now also.
With my spouse, he needs control from a variety of issues, some from his childhood. He is also very competitive meaning he has to be 100% right and will argue until everyone agrees he is right. What I realized was this is the both of us being competitive over who was right. Maybe both of us are actually right. I now tell him this is competitive stuff and we need to stop when we are getting going. But first I told him about the competition stuff at a calm time when we were not arguing.
You can't control another person, you can only control yourself. So I want you to start to think about how this is a control issue and how it is a competition within your own head and mind to be 100% right. How giving in with how the towels are hung on the towel bar or folded on the shelf is not the real issue.
My husband argued with me for a couple of years over how I fold the towels and I am still doing it my way. Our rule is now whoever folds the towels does it their way, both are right. I felt controlled and he felt out of control. I could not believe he would argue with me over how I folded the towels, and I did not realize the root of this mutual argument until I realized the competition aspect. It was so silly.
Doing a budget on paper and sticking to it will reduce your stress a huge amount. I know many people are going to the food banks at this time. Do that if you need to. Everything is more expensive and it is the middle and working class that is at the food banks, not just the poorest among us.
You guys will both change and mature as time goes by. You two may or may not stay together because people change as their brains mature around age 25.
And I want to mention something else that may not pertain to your situation so if it doesn't, then ignore this. Avoid alcohol and weed. They only increase the anger and are a crutch. The high levels of THC in weed can also create paranoia and anger episodes. They don't help anyone heal, they mask the real deeper level issues.
You do not have to respond to anything on here nor defend yourself. People write things and say things that might help or might not. Take what works and leave the rest. Please stay in touch in a few days and come back to respond to others. You matter.
Agree about the weed. I smoked till I was 30 and it wasn’t until I stopped that I was able to grow up and become financially stable.
Lifestyle changes were necessary for me to really mature…. Along with turning 50 lol. Walking and a daily routine of stretching and exercise. Wholesome diet. Low sugar aka. drink water.
Video games are for kids….
There are breathing practices online that can really help. The 4/6 method of breathing in for 4 seconds and breathing out for 6 is calming. I have low/average BP and as an EMT I take my pressure readings with the automated cuff in the ambulance. With a few minutes of 4/6 breathing I’ve lowered my BP 15 points! So if you feel anger or an argument coming up, taking a moment to breathe can diffuse the situation.
The need to be right is not a healthy behavior and it’s one that many people need work on. I try to ask myself a question when I get this urge to be right. Do I want to be right or do I want to be free? If the answer is: “I want to be right” it’s a good learning experience. Explore the reasons. And try to expand your commutation skills with your gf. Learning how to grow as individuals and sharing the experience is an amazing way to build trust. Good luck and be patient. Change takes practice and time.
It's easy to fall back into what's been your normalcy sadly even when that isn't what you want to do
Anger management can help you with some coping skills... People have given you some good advise
There is a good Anxiety board on here and depending on what your history at home was a PTSD board as well
Thing can change for you with some work over time ... Big hug... xo
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/anxiety
You are not a horrible person. You are still feeling the effects of the extreme abusiveness that you have experienced. I think the thing you talked about like the towel being an issue is a vestige of the dysfunctional modeling you may have had to go thru. Did you get yelled at for small things that didn't merit that kind of attention? Maybe and that is what you have to discover. You may have to read a lot, listen to podcasts, join support groups, journal, talk to your girlfriend, create happiness schedule like go to the gym, swim, get a massage, give yourself a massage anything that makes you feel like you are a kind and decent person. It's up to you to be your own parent. Tell that little boy he is sweet and hurt that's why he is angry. Remember this will pass but it will take lots of effort and I know that you can do it.