Healthy Relationships Support Group
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So I am still struggling to get my head around my current Husbands cheating past.
It keeps coming up - and I keep over reacting to it! I just really hate cheats.
I didn't know my Husband cheated on his past wives until after I had married him, then it all came clear.
So this morning I find out he had started cheating on his last wife right after their son was born - not the 'story' I had before.
My question is how do I move on from feeling like this about his past. It all seems to full of lies and mis-truths.
Why does it matter to me?
It really makes me sick that he cheated so much during all his marriages.
A recent post from onetoomany asked something similar.
and it got me thinking.
My Husband explains his cheating as 'her fault' and then he goes to 'I don't want to discuss it'. I think Im waiting for him to say he was wrong and shouldn't have done that. His cheating background goes back through all his life with cheating on his wife with his next wife, then cheating on his last wife with her best friend for 8 years ( shame on her too!)
So how do I get past it .
It keeps coming up - and I keep over reacting to it! I just really hate cheats.
I didn't know my Husband cheated on his past wives until after I had married him, then it all came clear.
So this morning I find out he had started cheating on his last wife right after their son was born - not the 'story' I had before.
My question is how do I move on from feeling like this about his past. It all seems to full of lies and mis-truths.
Why does it matter to me?
It really makes me sick that he cheated so much during all his marriages.
A recent post from onetoomany asked something similar.
and it got me thinking.
My Husband explains his cheating as 'her fault' and then he goes to 'I don't want to discuss it'. I think Im waiting for him to say he was wrong and shouldn't have done that. His cheating background goes back through all his life with cheating on his wife with his next wife, then cheating on his last wife with her best friend for 8 years ( shame on her too!)
So how do I get past it .
Im his fourth wife.
He gets pretty angry when I ask him about it, and evasive.
I thought having an open and up front conversation about it would get it all in place for me! but he won't discuss it apart from dropping in the odd bomb about his past!
Does someones past really matter?
He says he wouldn't cheat on me but Im pretty sure he would have said that to wife 1, wife 2 and wife 3 also!
I would really like to not get emotional and stressy about it and although I know we all choose how we react and feel about something I can't seem to get my head around this.
I think I am a bit confused, I thought you were leaving this asshole?
So who cares what he did, and you don't need to learn to deal with it because you are leaving.
Please tell me you have not decide to stay??
Im making great progress, Ive finished my training and am moving onto my new office on 29 February. My plan is still to create an independent income for myself and then leave. Im working on next year.!
I would really like to know how to cope when I don't like someones past. or is it a sign I should listen to my gut?
yeh I have a past too but I haven't done anything I would be ashamed of.
If I remember you correctly this is really the least of your worries.
He isn't sorry he cheated so you are never going to get him to say he is sorry.
How is he treating you on a day to day basis? Do you respect him? Is he loving and kind to you? Would you want any of your beloved female relatives to have such a guy?
If you wouldn't want him for someone you value and love, you shouldn't want him for yourself.
And yes, you should listen to your gut!!!
It would be different if he cheated once and was very remorseful.
But he did it multiple times and probably more that you don't know about, and he is NOT remorseful!
Hes okay to me this last year while Ive been retraining.hes really worried about me being out of the house every day. I can't wait!!!
I hate my homelike. With the staff coming in everyday now it makes me feel really sad I don't have any privacy at all!
but soon.
I honestly don't believe that infidelity is something someone just "gets over," "outgrows," or just "changes." After I caught my now-EX husband in his affairs, he was full of "I'm sorry" and said he wanted to repair the marriage. I did much reading, research, work, etc. Most experts on infidelity, as well as people whose marriages actually did recover successfully from it, will tell you: cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem in the adulterer. If they don't do the hard work to get to the root of why they allowed themselves to betray their spouse, they are going to repeat it. It is, at the heart of the matter, especially in people who have cheated multiple times, a type of character flaw and behavioral problem. Some experts have likened it to other addictions like alcoholism and other mental illnesses like depression. If the adulterer wants to bury it, not work through it, etc, it is almost certain to happen again.
Yes, you have to manage your feelings about it, for sure, especially if you are making the choice to stay, given all that has gone on. But the larger issue is the fact that he blatantly refuses to face it, take responsibility for it, and take concrete steps to get help to prevent it from happening again.
I think my issues might come from being cheated on with my previous husband.bit obvious I suppose. Its quite an extreme reaction I get, I can't watch movies with cheating ( there are solo many!) or read books which have a cheating storyline. It makes me so sick.
So the only answer is to just not get involved with anyone who has cheated, or at least is open and honest enough to admit they did a bad thing and express regret.
onetoomany - Im really doing good, my avatar from last year was pretty dark wasn't it - here I am now!
I lost my hair last year and look its coming back now, my healths great and Im working hard on my life, MY life.! x
He has no remorse and he takes no responsibility for his actions.
Your desire to have normal emotions is nothing unusual, but when you are involved with someone like your husband, it is impossible IMO to have normal emotions until the relationship ends.
You are trying to survive this somehow by forcing yourself to accept him and his abusive ways, but it is just not happening.
Forcing yourself to be okay with who he is is likely very damaging to you because essentially what you are asking for is : how do I learn to dissociate from my true feelings?