Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My husband constantly gives me the silent treatment and it's usually over the smallest of arguments! It's mentally draining!! Sometimes I don't even know what I have done or said to upset him but I know I have done something because he is not speaking to me! Instead of communicating about the issue like an adult, he is just ignoring me. I walk around on eggshells, hoping that the ice will melt quickly and there can just be peace for a few days until something else annoys or upsets him!
I have recently done a lot of research on silent treatment and why it is used in relationships. I always thought I was to blame and would always give in and apologize as I can not handle the anxiety I experience when I am ignored for days/weeks! I battle to concentrate at work and I am already on anti-depressants. The silent treatment is a common game of emotional chicken that can be extremely debilitating to a marriage, I know this!! I know this way of dealing with issues is not productive, there needs to be communication! I have told him this over 100 times but he does not take me seriously. I am tired of crying, begging for forgiveness, asking him to please talk to me, pleading with him to not get annoyed so quickly...I am TIRED!!
I have realized this is a way to try and inflict emotional pain on me as a consequence of his feelings of anger or frustration. I have realized he is trying to control me and the situation. We have been married for 27 years, I have only now figured out that this behavior is WRONG and I can not believe that I have put up with this for so many years.
He tells me I am the problem. If I have an opinion and it's not what he wants to hear, I am being disrespectful because I do not agree with him. Everything needs to go his way otherwise he sulks. What we need is counseling, a mediator but we can not afford this and he will definitely not pay for someone to tell him he has issues! He can be such a sweetheart when things go his way and he is happy, but these monthly silent treatments are wearing me thin! We past discussing our issues, he is stubborn and will not try and see my point of view.
I so badly want to scream at the top of my lungs why are you ruining our marriage but I can not and it won't solve anything either!! He tells me he wants peace and loves me very much, he says he could not live without me, then why would he behave this way.
How do I get him to realize this is unacceptable behavior and he needs to stop!! I need him to take me seriously!! Any advice please would be so appreciated!!
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Well, good morning to you!Today is National Roller Coaster Day. Are any of you going?It's also National Tell-A-Joke Day! Come up with some and share!I'm not bright with jokes these days, but I'll start:"Today I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...I'll let you know." :D
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The weeks seem to fly by!Happy Saturday to everyoneI hope that the weekend brings some chill time and barbecuesDoes it take others what seems like forever to add a comment on the boards?I'm okay everywhere else except boards..Everywhere else adds normally but it's annoyingly slow!Have a great Saturday and do something nice for you!!Big hug...xo
I dunno... if my partner was giving me the silent treatment, I would just go about doing my usual normal every day stuff. If your guy wants to sulk or be manipulative by being silent just to get a rise out of you, then do the opposite of what you have been doing. Ignore it. Go do something else. Talk to your friends, family. Talk to other people that you know, people that will talk at least!
Since he has been this way for a long time, and it is his way of getting a rise out of you, then you try something different. Ignore it. Go out. Go about your daily business. Maybe he will stop doing it once he sees it isn't affecting you.
We can't change another person. But we can change how we react to it.
If it’s not a deal breaker for you to the point of exiting the marriage, then I think it makes sense to focus on how you deal with it, like GirlinCalif said. Flip the script so you have more control.
So you can't change him or fix him. Long ingrained pattern and now you know what you didn't know 27 years ago. You can't make this marriage better because he is getting what he wants. But you can fix or change yourself and start to learn better coping skills. You are depressed and demeaned at home and stuck in the codependence of hoping he will change and value you. What if you start to value yourself. What if you observe him and listen to him and start to see him as the nefarious guy he really is. Open your eyes to his behaviors instead of taking his actions and words as being truth. I have a lot of books I have read about this stuff. You might start with a book on codependence and a book about narcissism maybe. I liked reading Life Code because it really opened my eyes. I thought everyone was as nice and as loving as I was and the way my ex was could be fixed. Nope, I finally got wise. Your choice is to put up with this slow soul strangulation from him or learn other ways of being. I wish you well.
I think it's abusive and intentionally hurtful... You have to decide if you're willing to continue tolerating it or not?
If it were me I would probably tell him in no uncertain terms that I'm not willing to live like this anymore.... Either we communicate like adults or I'm done and I'd mean it... I couldn't live like this....
I am so sorry that this manipulation is going on so frequently.... Walking on eggshells is an awful way to live.... xo
When I'm not in a good mood or upset having bad anxiety. I atleast tell him so he knows it's not him or if it is we work it out.
No marriage is 100 percent perfect but communicating and honesty is the most important and I even try my hardest not to make a big deal by getting mad or upset because if your a person who does then alot of times will be the reason why people won't bother saying anything.
I'm sorry, but from everything you said, the thing that came to my mind is ... He is a control freak. Look at what he's doing to you now. And of course, he says you are the problem, not him. I'm sure you know this by now, but the conclusion will be, what are you going to do next, because I don't see him changing.
Now I’m sitting here thinking I should have not said a word, I feel bad, he was crying, the last time he cried was when I caught him having an affair. Should I maybe apologise but say I still think he or we need to sit down with a marriage counsellor? Or do I still keep quiet? I don’t know what to do now!! I can’t leave him, I have no where to go and I can not afford to take care of myself on one salary. It’s just dreadful to be stuck like this!!