Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My fiancee and I just had our first child. We discussed how this would change our finances and decided to have all the money coming in go into his account, and then we would add me to the account. The thing is, he's dragging his behind on adding me. And when I ask for money he won't give it unless it's an absolute neccissity. He's always talking about 'his' money and 'my' money. About how all I bring in is my meager maternity pay and he brings in the real money. When I do want something he says that 'my' money didn't even cover my bills, so I don't have any of 'my' money left to buy what I want.
Should I just change my maternity payments back to my account? Wouldn't this make it worse, since my money isn't really enough to cover my share of the bills. When I talk to him about it he just tells me that until I can bring in more money this is how it's going to be. And he pacifies me by telling me he will add me to the account as soon as he can.
It's embarrassing when a friend asks me to go for lunch, and I can't because I can't get a dime. Or when I need to ask my mother for money to buy my daughters medicine and pay her back after. The looks people give me when they find out our financial agreement are humiliating.
We are trying to save for a house, and my fiancees work has slowed down so he's losing hours, but why is he doing this?? Why can't he trust me with a bank card?? And why, after almost four years and a baby is it still 'his' money and 'my' money???
Should I just change my maternity payments back to my account? Wouldn't this make it worse, since my money isn't really enough to cover my share of the bills. When I talk to him about it he just tells me that until I can bring in more money this is how it's going to be. And he pacifies me by telling me he will add me to the account as soon as he can.
It's embarrassing when a friend asks me to go for lunch, and I can't because I can't get a dime. Or when I need to ask my mother for money to buy my daughters medicine and pay her back after. The looks people give me when they find out our financial agreement are humiliating.
We are trying to save for a house, and my fiancees work has slowed down so he's losing hours, but why is he doing this?? Why can't he trust me with a bank card?? And why, after almost four years and a baby is it still 'his' money and 'my' money???
One day if you do have a shared account go down to the bank and open one together. It will send a strong signal to Mr. 1950's that you are equal partners.
It sounds like the two of you would benefit from sitting down and going over your finances together. Make a financial plan. Cover topics such as: How do we save for a house? Do we have his and her money If so how do you pay your bills. The plan needs to work for BOTH of you, not just mr "my money". Heck, this isn't so much "my baby" you're taking care of...
If he's not willing to have an adult conversation with you let him know you're moving the maternity money back to your account until he is willing to. You should have SOME control over the finances.
I recommend reading the following book on love and finances:
http://www.amazon.com/First-Comes-Love-Then-Money/dp/089221418X
I found it insightful. Good luck!!!
Ok, yes, I do have my father's temper. SERIOUSLY!
I also think there is nothing wrong with having separate checking accounts for your personal use and having a 3rd joint account that is used for paying the bills. I think if you both can have a good talk and come up with an agreement the feeling of what mine is mine and what yours is yours will start to fade. I just feel it is important that you both have control of the money after all you both want the same things such as being able to pay bills and have better things as well as be financially secure so why not focus on working together to achieve those goals. Wishing you both the very best in taking the steps to make things a whole lot better:)