Was he this way when you first met? And, if so, did you overlook these quirks when you first met, or find these quirks cute then, because you were so in love? If so, yes, I think you're more sensitized to and annoyed by these things now because you're having other issues.

Sometimes when you are having issues you start to notice other things that bother you about the other person I just notice that from experience.

I think he has always been this way, but not as bad. I think we had our honeymoon phase where he would of course be gentleman like. He didn't smoke as much and was more hygienic for sure. I think he uses his job as an excuse for his hygiene and his smoking habit. Driving for 16 hrs a day and not coming home for weeks. He was more attentive to my needs early on but perhaps I was just overlooking everything because I loved him and the sex was so good.
Now we are living with my parents. His job is coming to an end do we can't move out yet and we don't have sex or barely kiss. I don't want to kiss an ashtray mouth that isn't properly brushed.
I've brought much of this up before I know.
I want to look past is all but don't know if it's even worth it

I dont think youre nit picking AT ALL.
I wash my hands if I touch a smoker. I refuse to drink after my own mother because she smokes. I dont even like hugging her. I find it to be the absolutely most repulsive common choice human beings do to hurt themselves. I could never EVER be with a smoker.
Ontop of that - not showering? Not brushing teeth?
I can get past the gassy thing. the clothes on the floor.. but personal hygiene is a must. Yuck.

It sounds like he doesnt pick on your quirks because he doesnt give a crap about anything, not because hes super accepting.

On the other hand - if he was this way before marriage, you knew full well what you were signing up for, and being upset about it now is completely unfair.

I wont even kiss the boyfriend until hes brushed his teeth after eating mayonnaise. Or any sort of sea food.
Youre NOT asking for too much.

Now that his job is coming to an end, there's no excuse for poor hygiene. I too couldn't kiss a smoker. It STANKS! It's RANK! It's DIS-GUSTING!

Shine, I knew he was a smoker when we met, but it wasn't that big an issue as I've been around it a lot with my mom who used to smoke. He always tried to make an effort to mouth wash or brush teeth after smoking if he was going to kiss me. That's gone now. I can get past the gas, the clothes on the floor too, but I just want to kiss him and jot be repulsed by it. He made an effort when we first met, now he's just gotten lazy when he's home.
Koolman, you are right. He won't be living in a truck, no excuses!!

I'm curious, and asking this in a very sincere way-
How can you honestly love someone you find to be repulsive? Or at least their habits. Doesnt it turn you off of them in general? Can you carry on a relationship with someone you cant even bring yourself to touch..? I feel like.. whats the point?
I personally, would be devastated to hear my SO decribe me as repulsive - but I suppose, that is where certain people differ deep down, what they CARE about.

I've always thought to myself that I could NEVER love a smoker (but I also understand my view on it can be considered extreme by others), so I am genuinely interested in how that works for you.

Shine. I often ask myself the same things. I always told myself I would never get involved with a smoker. Hubby and I met online and talked over MSN for a good 6 months before meeting and having our first date. By that time I had grown fond of him. He made me laugh and we talked easily. I knew he smoked but wasn't having any luck with previous guys so u thought what the heck. I now wish he would quit and get healthy, but I'm addicted to food so it's not like I'm any better.
I don't find him repulsive. And I would be devastated if he was disgusted by things I did, but I'd want to change that. I would want to know what I'm doing that's disgusting and better myself. He just says it's who he is. He also says that if I went just one day without picking on him he might be more motivated to make an effort. Fair enough.
We have other issues....no sex, lack of communication and working as a team, so his bad habits seem to be sticking out like a sore thumb these days. I want to touch him. But I want to be able to touch him and kiss him whenever and not be grossed out. Yes, it seems weird that I stay with him having these feelings. Believe me, I almost left him for reasons listed above, plus his habits and his being an alcoholic. I fell in love with him for a reason though and that makes me want to better myself and hopefully he will follow suit. I think if we both get on a better path things would be better. But maybe I'm just holding onto false hope and staying with him just to "be" with someone.

My ex went back to smoking late in our marriage, and I always told him he had to wash his hands before he could touch me. :D
He learned that by taking his showers right before bed time, would get him extra loving.

Try to gently encourage him to pick up some good habits, and reward those changes.
AND be happy that the seat goes up! The rest of the list, you can learn to deal with and ignore. Seriously, it only takes a few seconds to put the DRY seat down and you can pick up his clothes in a few minutes.

I really hope you both can work it out.

Aw Shan, I'm sorry to hear that its so tough on you. I honestly cant even imagine.
I'm like you, in that I would want to change those things - if not for myself, then at least for my partner. And I have a hard time understanding a different train of thought, you know?
Seriously though, good on you for continuing to put your best effort into it and remembering WHY you married him. Many people who are unhappy in their marriages tend to forget.
Have you two tried any form of therapy? For either marriage or the addictions?

well, you wrote the con's list. now write the pro list.. which one outshines the other?
I would think that would make a decision for you.

Since the job situation and living situation are a strain , I think that is the root of your irritations not just him . And from his point , he probably feels like a failure because of it .and maybe he is depressed . That would explain a lot .. his lack of showers and all his actions , just not giving a crap . I'm just trying to look at it realistically.

Dang, all this talk about smoking makes me want to smoke...but to hell with that, I'm 11 days clean haha

ANYHOW...

I like that idea of writing a pros list...you were already out of the marriage not too long ago, then the talk with your Dad changed your mind...and now the issues with the H are the same ones you had before.

What has changed, positively, for you two in the last 6 months or so?

I like the idea of making a pro list. I will do that and see where it takes me.
Thanks everyone