Hey Brian! Hi there. Now, what do you mean by big stuff..will you please be more specific?

Oh I see. You mean you are gay. Okay still what is the "big stuff?"
We're all dealing with relationship one way or another. Im endeavoring to meet the best man of my life if I haven't already and frickin pissed that I haven't yet or have i..is my question...
back to you.
What is it you mean, hon?

I had that problem in my relationship. I would hold a lot of things in and just deal in the day-to-day. That wasn't good because when something triggered me, I would snap, which wasn't fair to him

We just sat down and talked. I can't tell you how much better I felt getting things off my chest. Now things are going well.

We may have problems here and there, but we're able to discuss it and find solutions or middle ground.

Good luck to you.

~Just my opinion~

i just lost a post i had written but i wanted to add that our relationships, be they hetero, gay, be they with anything or anyone in any category tell us about ourselves. By this I mean how we see ourselves in anything.
dont' be afraid to learn about you by exploring the "big stuff" and esp. when it comes to conflict with your spouse/partner/sig. other. Take the risk of learning about you.

If he is your best friend, he will listen, try to understand, and keep trying to be that for you. You can do that with your spouse.

Big stuff: sex, money, employment, retirement, are we going to see my Mother or yours... big stuff. The emotionally loaded topics. The potentially heated discussions. That big stuff.

A lot of the topics you listed could easily be made into small stuff. Sometimes not talking about it and making assumptions about that someone thinks about that topic can make it big. Do these topics have to make a conflict or is it the way you guys talk about it? Is it the tone of voice used, sarcassim or talked about in an attacking way? It sounds like couples counseling or learning about healthy communication can help. My advice would just to talk about it before it gets big.
You guys have been together this long, you know what works, sounds like you just need some tips to make it better. Good luck.

some of those topics are bigger than others. I think the biggest one for me is sex. He's nine years older than I, his libido has taken a noticeable drop. Mine has too (I'm no spring chicken) but not to the same degree as his, so there's a lot of frustration there. Once a month seems to keep him happy, it feels like enforced celibacy to me.

Intimacy is sometimes the issue - I crave a lot of physical contact and he'd be happy with a handshake (I married a cactus! bless 'im). We've worked through that one, more or less. He has become more affectionate, and has taken to leaving little rubber duckies around the house. They mean "I love you" and he puts them in weird spots for me to find at odd moments in the day.

We went to a couples therapist about the sex issue - and it doesn't feel like we're done talking about it yet. I know I'm being chicken about bringing it up again, because I'm afraid of the emotional reaction on both sides (his and mine).

So yes, I'm asking for suggestions on approach, working up the nerve, finding the right time (another one of my excuses, because there's never a right time...)

Isn't it hard when you really need to talk about something,. have that person understand but walking on eggs about the whole thing? Hey, no communication is no growth in relationship. Have you tried the "I feel because... statements? Compromise. It ain't just about one person's needs, right. If I care about him, then I will care about me, my needs, which are just as highly important and no less important than my SO's. It's imperative that you talk about this stuff with him or you can remain in your frustration. Tell yourself positive statements about you. Self talk. See a positive outcome when you take the risk of talking about your stuff with him but please do talk about it. It is all for the relationship. If partners love one another and want the same thing it takes willingness to change, and it sounds that you have been willing. It sounds your partner has not been. Heck go to the counselor if the 3rd party helps but please do not continue to walk on eggs and not give your marriage a chance for change and growth. Stagnation is the pits.

You can do this.

What "big stuff" are we talking about here? Whether or not to have kids?

I suppose...broach the subject with a little warm-up "I need to talk with you about something very serious that could affect us down the line" and simply blurt it out!

Oohh, once a month sex. Now I understand, sorry. Well (sigh) that's going to happen with two people of different ages. Discuss how often you need sex, and if he can't find a way (Viagra or whatever) to accomodate, either resort to mechanical means or tell him you're going to look for extra-curricular activities somewhere else-!

I think it's important to just be up front and honest.
If you don't express your feelings, you're going to keep them bottled up and that isn't healthy.
Maybe you both can come to a compromise for your sexual desires. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be affectionate either. Just express all this in a calm manner and hopefully he will be responsive to your desires. :)

I agree with Potergirl, if you make it a habit of talking about that stuff all the time, it quickly becomes normal, everyday conversation. If, like my parents, you keep putting it off, then it sure is big stuff, because its almost taboo! I see my mom dealing with this all the time; she tries to breach the subject of money, retirement, etc with my dad and he kind of blows it off because he doesn't know how to talk about it because they've avoided it for so long.

As with anything unpleasant, I think the best way to start dealing with it is just to jump right in! Stop putting it off and making excuses (oh, he had a hard day at work, I'm really tired and stressed this week, etc). It might require you both to do a little more work in terms of communication than you're used to, but I'd bet that it will improve your relationship a hundred fold once you get to the place where you both feel comfy bringing those kinds of things up regularly without worrying that you'll upset each other.

Thanks all... I think I just need to suck it up and get past all my excuses (and I have SO many good ones, too!). :-p

Also, talking about stuff before it becomes a major issue keeps it "little stuff" and keeps it from becoming "BIG stuff"! Maybe these "big issues" aren't really that big if you just talk about them.

And, yes, emotional calmness is important. The more you bottle stuff up, the more your emotions will boil it to the blowing up point...