P.S He called me those things because he was drunk. Because I, the enabler, sat right beside him and drank beer with him until he was blind drunk. I was scared of him going to the bar without me. I was scared of him sulking, being mad, bored. So even though he is out of control, and spends too much money, and gets too drunk, I ultimately allow it to happen.

Great epitome, Letgo. May it serve you well.

My strongest suggestion is, "Easy does it." Taking on too many changes at one time spins out of control all too easily. Compassionate, sustainable change takes time to implement. Moving too quickly at self-empowerment is a good way to end up more of a blustery abuser than, "Powerful, bad-ass person."

*Just* smoothing the edges on your decision to take control of your finances is quite allot, in itself. Well done, the precedents implemented here will serve you well in your next steps toward self-empowerment.

Be gentle with that ". . .scared, go-with-the-flow, undecisive woman." Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. She is not a disposable being and there are times when even the baddest of the bad-asses can gain from going with the flow.

So opineth The Arf. . .

Gentle support while you find your way. You can do this.

Hi,
You are crystal,you are in your phase of clarity woo hoo - soooooooooo
happy that you are where you are mentally.LOVE it when we choose
to see, to guard our hearts, to love and nurture one-self.Love yourself
through this process.Have your back mentally (focus on you not his ass),
physically( do things that fulfill you On Your Own)this will also be vital
on your road to attain wholeness,so also spiritually(you are so beautiful
and precious all that you were doing for him and along with him you
thought it was loving and supporting him at that time-you know better now.
You no longer please him at your expense now-so spiritually the Universe
God does not see your past actions they are blotted out please exercise
your right to release the past all of it to the Universe- yes dispose of the
memories of those things.If God .Universe does not hold onto what is
not serving it, what needs to be discarded,neither should you. As humans
we were not created to harbor ill feelings about ourselves,re past mistakes.
You ARE already that strong powerful woman you just have to dispose of
the thought that you are not,open your arms and release those thoughts
back into the Universe and then follow this with a positive action to let
the Universe know you are ready-then the Universe will respond as it
does naturally when things and people are in Alignment.

As you cleanse yourself (by releasing every day the past ) back into the
Universe- remember to bless your partner or b/friend or husband you did
not clarify what he was).While you are releasing- you are also releasing
him to find his own path and asking the Universe to shine light upon him
that he too will find clarity wholeness,This is powerful.The Universe will
help you to restore you as you release, rebuild you as you release,This is
very important because during this release process you are retraining
your thought process (guiding yourself spiritually as you are shifting
back to your own Wholeness".

As you continue releasing throughout the days and self partnering
and nurturing yourself more and more of your Wholeness will become
revealed and you will soooooooo love it,Just keep going .

Hey, I would like to take a moment to thank you a lot for sharing,Sharing
is very healing to others and helps others along their path.
Biggest Hugs to you and warmest vibes of positive Light your way!!!!.

This does t sound like a healthy relationship. Perhaps the ultimate "taking my power back" is to leave this abusive situation.

We live together in a year lease. Trust me, I have realized what kind of relationship I am in. I am going to give this one more shot and stop playing the victim. He has agreed to go to couples counselling, but I don't know if that will really do anything. Might give it a shot.

@ Yard Eggs- Sometimes it is necessary to regain your power first to
leave the situation.It is rightly so that she focus on , her Wholeness because
then all the other crap will fall to the waste-side.I believe ultimately that it
would be a more smoother,gentle benefit to her that if she leaves that
she can leave Cut and Dry and not be bruised mentally by this and this is just
what she has asked- How to regain her power,

Trust me You need Power to Leave- if it is not done correctly you
deal with mental residue and unnecessary b/s.

Hey LetGoLetBreathe,

All for you with the counseling- You know when to throw the towel in
as I said in my earlier post You are clear, you have clarity,Focus on
reclaiming your power,focus on self nurturing and healing and since
you are already experiencing a shift- you are Strong enough to set your
new boundaries,enforce them,monitor them, and so forth,

As far as Yard Eggs- I get that life is short to Tango with the B/S.
Believe me totally I get it. But trust me I feel deeply that LetGoLetBreathe
KNOWS, the chess game of Life.You give it a Shot-but .........your Inner Guide
will show you if he is fullof##!! and ultimately needs to be discarded in a heartbeat.Good Luck focus on you you you(even while in counseling) Build
yourself up daily,daily,daily and if you do have to leave you can be in a place
within yourself that it wont even mess up your day IF you have to terminate
this relationship fully.
Love Hugs .

I'm glad I didn't listen to the divorce logics in my own quest for self-empowerment. If I can be manipulated by one evil ex, I can be manipulated by the next ex as well, even if I take care to disallow the previous manipulations. My own willingness to be manipulated is far more important than who is on the other end of the puppet strings.

Turns out my husband wasn't such a bad guy after we learned how to establish healthy boundaries while each of us works on our own, strictly personal issues. It even has the added bonus of giving us something to discuss over coffee. We never did couples counseling, but gained tremendously from our individual therapies.

For what it's worth.

There are, however, times when ex-ination really is the best available option.

Big hug for you LetGo…… Good for you establishing some healthier boundaries

Is he an alcoholic??…. Is it addictive behaviour that he's displaying?

If it is Al anon might be a great source of support for you.... It's free and there are meetings all over.... You could just google meetings in your area if you'd be interested

It’s great you are starting to find some clarity. While you establish boundaries, maybe also start putting a plan in place to leave as well. Think of it as a contingency plan should the relationship remain this unhealthy.

By the way, you don’t need to regain power to leave. Leaving IS POWER. No one gets extra points for hanging in there. If people waited to leave situations until they were emotionally whole, they’d never leave. If he’s an alcoholic or alcohol abuser and doesn’t take care of it, your relationship can never work and how you are in the relationship will never be healthy.

Stay strong, and really make sure if wanted to you could leave.

I am putting a plan in place by taking care of my finances, not going out with him and spending all my money, and having money in case this goes sour. I am refusing to participate in drinking with him, even though I love having a few cold beer on the weekends. He has called a couples therapist and seems genuinely intent on changing... But I know how this works. It inevitably well revert back to how it was. I am prepared I'm going to have to leave. Just not yet. That scared me, saddens me and angers me but I know I can not keep living the rest of my life with someone who doesn't appreciate me.

I was used financially and emotionally by my ex. I swore I would never get into that situation again. This situation ultimately looks different, but has the same components. That's why I know part of the problem is me.

We don't really have intimate contact much anymore, used to be only when he was drunk, but I've to put a stop to that until he is willing to put in the effort to have meaningful intimate interactions and actually care about the experience. I want to stop questioning my attractiveness, worth, and importance. I want to be with someone who wants me.

He says he wants me, but actions speak louder than words... Yes, I am prepared I may have to leave. It will upset a lot of people, including his mother (who helped me out A LOT and thinks her son is a perfect angel who doesn't drink or smoke).

Any ideas, on how to stick to my boundaries? He seems okay with splitting up the finances right now. Sex is on hold until he makes it a priority to do it right. I am sticking to my guns and not drinking around him. I want him to be able to feel the change in me the way I feel it, so he doesn't go back to the way he was.