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My Husband is a bit of a Jekyl and Hyde. I accept he is like this, we are who we are right.but I need some strategies to help me cope when he is being Mr.Nasty.
He has this way of making negative comments and snidey little put downs.
If I try and clarify what I mean then they seem petty and trivial - but they all add up to a huge feeling within me of not being adequate. The sighs, tuts and the shakes of the head.as well as the spiteful comments.
They bring me to tears as they add up throughout the days...
It makes me feel sick to my stomach as I think I know I have to call him out on it in a big way but Im not prepared to suffer the consequences of that just yethe will for sure make my life hell, nastiness and spitefulness, lots of tit-for-tat come backs. and its so exhausting.
Im not perfect by any means but Im pretty easy going and just want to bob along in a pleasant kind of way.these 'phases' of his come and go every few months I suppose.
Our life style is such that we work and live together, he is very controlling of what I do.
I need some coping strategies please!
(apart from kicking his arse to the kerb!!! - not an option just now!)
He has this way of making negative comments and snidey little put downs.
If I try and clarify what I mean then they seem petty and trivial - but they all add up to a huge feeling within me of not being adequate. The sighs, tuts and the shakes of the head.as well as the spiteful comments.
They bring me to tears as they add up throughout the days...
It makes me feel sick to my stomach as I think I know I have to call him out on it in a big way but Im not prepared to suffer the consequences of that just yethe will for sure make my life hell, nastiness and spitefulness, lots of tit-for-tat come backs. and its so exhausting.
Im not perfect by any means but Im pretty easy going and just want to bob along in a pleasant kind of way.these 'phases' of his come and go every few months I suppose.
Our life style is such that we work and live together, he is very controlling of what I do.
I need some coping strategies please!
(apart from kicking his arse to the kerb!!! - not an option just now!)
If he says some nasty thing - turn around, walk out of the room .
Definitely would not respond back to him.
I'm pretty sure they are looking for the exhilaration of the fight.
stemming from their own issues.
In researching addiction pertaining to another family member I came to the realization that some people might be addicted to anger. starting a fight to release tension that they feel. defending ourselves and getting upset is what they want.
I actually did come up with a great coping strategy just the other day.
It has shut him down like never before and it is so simple.
At the first snarky sentence I shut him down with the simple phrase.
" Those sound like fighting words" for some reason that phrase helps me just walk away afterward.. when before, I would try to explain and defend.. using all my precious energy and giving him what he wanted. He can keep all his sweet evil frustration for himself now.
give it a whirl. I say it in different tones with different inflection depending on my mood and the situation.
Good luck!
He senses that weakness - that what he says gets to you, and he pounces on it. Stop giving that to him.
I will try.that sounds like fighting talk.good one!
sometimes though its so subtle I don't even realise until a second later.ya know - jeeez that wasn't a nice thing to say.but then its too late grrr!
Better to be direct and honest even if its a delayed repsonse than to keep letting it go so he continues the behavior without an attempt at correction.
I know now why he has started being this way all of a sudden after asking him this morning about this... - it stemmed from him trying to wake me in the night when I was asleep and getting no responseI kind of recall something vaguely like this but I wasn't aware he was trying to wake me up until he tried to enter me from behind while I was asleep - then I jumped away from him!
He is now 'punishing' me for my rejection of him in the night. And also the next morning I tried to get him to make love but he was unresponsive - also to teach me a lessontit-for-tat style.
He now wants to take me to bed this afternoon, when he wants to and so he has all the control on the situation..it seems I don't get a say in this!!!
Classic manipulation.
sad.
how the heck did I get here.?!!!
Cant explain it really.
It sounds as if you need some time to find your own inner love for yourself. Once you love yourself for all you are, its easier to find someone else who does too. And this young man is definitely not it.
Something to think about. You chose to live here in this little hell with a man that needs to learn a few things about people, or you finally decide you are worth more and get back out there to find a real friend who cherishes you and all your little quirks. :O)
(hug)
Good luck
DURH to me.