Healthy Relationships Support Group
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So here we go again...
My girlfriend and I got into a bit of a tiff earlier tonight. Now the last little while has been pretty good. We spent more time together, we even went out on a double date with our close friends on Monday. It was a fun night and she said she had an amazing time.
The last couple of weeks she's seen a bit withdrawn physically though. Even before the fight about her brother, it seems if I want to kiss her, I have to force it. Definitely not something i want. Same with sex. We used to be very active, and we had agreed we were both sexual people. I've known for along time. Well the last little bit it feels like she doesn't want me to touch her unless i'm rubbing her back or her feet, occasionally she wants to cuddle...I'm kinda letting this settle, hoping maybe after awhile she'll get back to how it was.
Our tiff today was about my phone. I don't spend alot of time on my phone, in fact she texts so often it gets annoying. We'll be having a nice conversation or cuddling in bed, it'll go off and she'll answer it right away. I've kinda grown to live with it. Well about a month and a half ago, i apparently brought up some issues she had been discussing with afriend over text messages and she instantly thought I had gone through her phone. I don't ever touch her phone becuase that's her personal device and i would hate to come across a message about someone i know where they confided something in her and now I know cause I was snooping. I know I'd hate that if it was me. So we had agreed to leave each others phones alone. Well she stole mine right out of my hand today. At first I didn't mind, it was a joke, she changed my facebook status...but then she started going through my facebook, then my text messages until she came across a message i had sent to a friend of mine about a conversation we were having about why I had been interested in a woman a few years ago. She read it out loud to her roommates (who are friends of mine) and this is it exactly "I thought she was cute at the time, but then she starved herself to pretty much a skeleton. I think she needs help." So to say i was a bit angry would sum it up right. But I didn't make it vocal, I decided to let it pass. Well my best friend and i share a connection where we can feel what each other is feeling. It's why we're so close. She messaged me and asked what was wrong. I explained what happened. Well right after i sent the text my phone is snatched out of my hand again and she reads the text. So she got frustrated that I would tell my friend but not bring it up to her. In all honesty i was trying to avoid a fight cause it really wasn't too big of a deal, but she antagonized it. So after we were done with the mini fight. Everything seemed fine, but tonight while she was at work she messaged me and asked if i felt the same way as when we got back together. In honesty, I feel relationships do change, but at the end of the day the good times i have with her still outweigh the bads and so i said i do still feel the same. I'm still in love with her and trying to make it all work and want to be with her. She said she didn't feel the same. That she's happy with me, but doesn't feel the same way. So she started this conversation and i went into her work and asked "What do you feel has changed?" and she responded with "Don't interogate me, especially not at work. Why are we talking about this now?" I said "You brought it up, I asked you one question, but if you want to talk about it later then we can"...So we agreed to talk later, but I still don't know what exactly to think of all this.
My girlfriend and I got into a bit of a tiff earlier tonight. Now the last little while has been pretty good. We spent more time together, we even went out on a double date with our close friends on Monday. It was a fun night and she said she had an amazing time.
The last couple of weeks she's seen a bit withdrawn physically though. Even before the fight about her brother, it seems if I want to kiss her, I have to force it. Definitely not something i want. Same with sex. We used to be very active, and we had agreed we were both sexual people. I've known for along time. Well the last little bit it feels like she doesn't want me to touch her unless i'm rubbing her back or her feet, occasionally she wants to cuddle...I'm kinda letting this settle, hoping maybe after awhile she'll get back to how it was.
Our tiff today was about my phone. I don't spend alot of time on my phone, in fact she texts so often it gets annoying. We'll be having a nice conversation or cuddling in bed, it'll go off and she'll answer it right away. I've kinda grown to live with it. Well about a month and a half ago, i apparently brought up some issues she had been discussing with afriend over text messages and she instantly thought I had gone through her phone. I don't ever touch her phone becuase that's her personal device and i would hate to come across a message about someone i know where they confided something in her and now I know cause I was snooping. I know I'd hate that if it was me. So we had agreed to leave each others phones alone. Well she stole mine right out of my hand today. At first I didn't mind, it was a joke, she changed my facebook status...but then she started going through my facebook, then my text messages until she came across a message i had sent to a friend of mine about a conversation we were having about why I had been interested in a woman a few years ago. She read it out loud to her roommates (who are friends of mine) and this is it exactly "I thought she was cute at the time, but then she starved herself to pretty much a skeleton. I think she needs help." So to say i was a bit angry would sum it up right. But I didn't make it vocal, I decided to let it pass. Well my best friend and i share a connection where we can feel what each other is feeling. It's why we're so close. She messaged me and asked what was wrong. I explained what happened. Well right after i sent the text my phone is snatched out of my hand again and she reads the text. So she got frustrated that I would tell my friend but not bring it up to her. In all honesty i was trying to avoid a fight cause it really wasn't too big of a deal, but she antagonized it. So after we were done with the mini fight. Everything seemed fine, but tonight while she was at work she messaged me and asked if i felt the same way as when we got back together. In honesty, I feel relationships do change, but at the end of the day the good times i have with her still outweigh the bads and so i said i do still feel the same. I'm still in love with her and trying to make it all work and want to be with her. She said she didn't feel the same. That she's happy with me, but doesn't feel the same way. So she started this conversation and i went into her work and asked "What do you feel has changed?" and she responded with "Don't interogate me, especially not at work. Why are we talking about this now?" I said "You brought it up, I asked you one question, but if you want to talk about it later then we can"...So we agreed to talk later, but I still don't know what exactly to think of all this.
From what I can tell by your posts you seem to want to tolerate a lot of things because you would rather not cause confrontation. When you do express yourself and feelings to your gf things seem to be in fixed but only for a short period of time. It is almost like walking on eggshells you grab the good moments but never really solve the bad moments. I call it getting by.
Mind you I am not saying that is wrong and maybe that type of relationship is something you can tolerate and live with. I know I could not. To me respecting and trusting my partner and being treated the same way is very important. You both agreed that want privacy when it comes to your phones and emails yet that didn't seem to work out. I certainly can understand your anger but yet on the same note you portray some feelings of guilt as well.
Perhaps she senses that too and that is why she displays the type of behavior and seems to turn things around making it seem like you are the one with all the problems. Now I am not saying you are guilty of anything but I think because of your devotion to her you find it easier to just not say too much or else drop the subject fairly quickly on things that really do bother you the most.
Since she made the statement to you about not feeling the same way it indicates to me that you are not the soul mate she is wanting. She perhaps cares for you but I do not think she is ready to be as serious as you are in this relationship. I know that hurts but that is the reality of it. Maybe now would be the time for you to do a bit of soul searching yourself.
I know that you love her but it is nice to feel loved back in the same way and not just hope that you will eventually see that same kind of love given back to you in the way you want. Anyway like I said it is up to you and what you want for your future but perhaps a trial separation might be something to consider as the way I see it now you kind of are already at that phase. In my eyes she sees you as more of a steady person to use at her convenience. Why not give yourself the opportunity to see if you can stand on your own and meet some new people. Hoping you give yourself that chance and you have much happier days soon:)
A friend of mine in Kingston told me to move back, I can get my old job back (which I would love), and when I was ready she'd help me find someone else. I don't know if i could just up and leave just yet. I'm still looking to see if there is a way to make this relationship a happy one, but my views are fading fast. So I believe I may be in for a move soon