Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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gabriel2012 03/07/2013

I started dating again after recovering from a short-lived relationship which I discussed here before. I have gone out four times with a very beautiful woman. The dates have gone very well in general. We had fun and we kissed a lot. On the third date we ended up making out at the beach at night. On the fourth date she told me she was not ready for a relationship at this moment and that she wanted us to go slowly. I told her i was ok with that. After that we continued to kiss for a long time. She did not seem to mind. The next weekend I did not ask her out. She went out with her girlfriends to a bar. Then that night at midnight she showed up at my place with one of her friends. She called me and said she was parked in front of my place and wanted to see me. She asked me if she could come up to my apartment to use my bathroom. She did and I kissed her for a long time while we were alone in my place (first time she had been to my place). She called me later that night and seemed happy. I called her the next day and everything was fine. She was going out again with other friends that night. I called her the next day and she did not answer. I called her again three days later and she did not answer. She has not called me or texted me again. Tomorrow Friday it will be a week since she showed up at my place.
A friend of mine told me that she had come to see me because she wanted to get more intimate than just a kiss and I messed up because I did not give her what she wanted. What do you guys think? Did I really mess up this one? Or is she just not that interested? If so, why did she show up at my place after having a great time with her friends at a bar? Why did she think about me when she was out with her friends? Is she ignoring me now?

deleted_user 03/07/2013

I have to ask...was she drunk? Is it possible that she feels she made a fool of herself or that she regrets what she did? Well...of course it's possible. Dumb question. I wouldn't jump to conclusions but I also wouldn't wait around if she is playing games with you. I think it is ultimately up to you to figure out if this girl is worth all of this. Sometimes a woman or man who are conflicted about their own feelings can put others through a lot of hell or frustration trying to figure them out. Hard to figure out what somebody wants when they don't even know right?
I hope you are able to get to the bottom of this. Maybe send her a text that says if she is embarrased she shouldn't be and that what happened didn't change anything. That should set her at ease if she is worried about it or worried that she sent the message that she is ready to take things to the next level when she really is not. Good luck!

deleted_user 03/07/2013

Oh hell..I meant that my question was dumb. Hope it didn't read as an insult to you.

deleted_user 03/07/2013

She sounds immature, like she just wants to have casual sex and fun. If you had had sex with her, I speculate that she still wouldn't have returned your calls.You'd probably be better off finding someone who has interests closer to your own, or she lost her phone. Heck if I know.

gabriel2012 03/07/2013

If she wanted sex and I messed up not giving it to her how can I fix it? Or maybe StrugglinOn is right and she regrets what she did? Im confused. I really like her.

deleted_user 03/07/2013

You did NOT mess up not giving it to her! Please trust me on that! Just send her the message I told you to send her because even if I am wrong, that message is still not in any way a bad or wrong thing to say. It is a sweet and understanding thing to say and it can't hurt a thing right?

gabriel2012 03/07/2013

Tenobia has a point. She might be immature or in an immature frame of mind. She is 43, single no kids. She goes out to bars and night clubs a lot.

gabriel2012 03/07/2013

Thanks Struggling on. I will send her a message. I am not sure how to phrase it just in case I am wrong. A text message has to be short. I have to think what to say.

deleted_user 03/08/2013

You are welcome honey and there is no wrong way to say "hey...I haven't heard from you and I am worried that it's because you feel weird about what happened. If so you don't need to. It didn't change anything and I hope you aren't embarrased by it. I miss talking to you." But you will figure it out. :)

deleted_user 03/08/2013

I'm with the she's either really busy or feels like an idiot for showing up at your place. Dude don't worry about the sex, you were a gentleman. If she came over to your place, asked to use the bathroom, and wanted to have sex and you didn't initiate it, she probably would have when you were making out. Maybe she wanted to and then realized she felt stupid. Who knows, I don't think you messed anything up though. I wouldn't be surprised if you respond to this post in a few days or a week with an update. Have fun!

deleted_user 03/08/2013

I think you did the right thing if you were meant to be taking it slow. And if she expected sex, well, you're not a mind reader!

Don't blame yourself, I agree with StrugglinOn that you should just message her, perhaps say you want to meet up for a coffee or something, somewhere where you are both sober and can just talk

gabriel2012 03/08/2013

So I texted her that i wanted to hear from her and she called me immediately today around 6 pm. We talked for about an hour. I asked her if she felt uncomfortable about visiting me last Friday since she had not answered my calls and she said not at all. When I mentioned I called her on Sunday and then on Wednesday she said nothing. Later she told me she had a busy week and was tired. She lives in a small town an hour away from me, I live in a city. So we meet usually when her job requires her to come to my city. She said she might be coming next Friday and I told her if she did I would like to see her. She said fine. She also mentioned that another guy from her town had asked her to go out with her tomorrow in my city. But she said she had other options as well. I get it that she is not interested in a relationship now. I still think that not answering my calls for five days is rude and shows little interest. What confuses me is that she did come to visit me at midnight at my place after a night partying with her friends. I just want to know if she really wants to take this slowly or she is just not that into me. Who does she think she is not calling me back? am I wrong to feel somewhat upset? She might be pretty but I am also an attractive and highly educated guy. My gut tells me I am not being treated right.

deleted_user 03/08/2013

Yeah, I'd say you can do better. There's been times when I felt like I didn't treat men very well, and I feel bad about it. They never seem to like bluntness any better though. The worse thing is that more often than not, I've found that if I reach out to a man they tend to treat me with some symbalance of being good natured. In the only instances that they weren't they tended to be preoccupied with thoughts of someone else and drugs, simultaneously. I'd say good luck out there and hopefully there will be someone that deserves your attentions and thoughts.

HockeyCrazy 03/08/2013

Trust your gut. Always trust your gut.
You have every right to be angry. I would be too.
She sounds a little bit selfish to me. If she's not interested in then maybe she should tell you she's not interested so you can go out and find somebody who is.
If she's already ignoring your calls, can you imagine what she'll be like if you're relationship progresses any further?

gabriel2012 03/08/2013

I feel sad. Thanks to all of you. You have been wonderful. I am still confused as to why she came to see me.

Aronia 03/09/2013

She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and her moods change. Maybe the best thing is not to have any expectations from this and start dating other people.
You didn't mess up. This is just a lesson - people who are interested will call you, they want to know how you are doing, they are considerate of your feelings.

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