Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Rivasllene 04/29/2013

Is anyone out there in a relationship where you're so different in so any ways sometimes you don't know how it will ever last?
I think i grasp that my husband and I deeply love one another...I don't know if its our personalities or what, but we both do have a strong sense of loyalty to partners and we must, in some way, respect each other....
But at the same time I wonder...
We have two children together with one on the way and it seems that our beliefs and values often clash. From what I've observed, his are very strong and deep rooted, and my issue is that I honestly don't know what I believe half the time, or how to believe in myself.
I know i have to grow up and make some decisions for the sake of our family...but I've felt stuck in some kind of limbo since before I can remember.
There's so many things to address and I don't even know where to start but I do know that I'm tired of feeling "hopeless and helpless"

Aronia 04/29/2013

Well..for one thing, something brought you together besides sex obviously. What are those things ?
I guess being different is not such a huge deal if you are able to find compromise and if you feel solidarity instead of solitude in your marriage.
I am not an expert and had failed marriages, but I have learned from my mistakes..

scarletjaded 04/29/2013

In my relationship we have learned to let our diffrences ballance eachother our. I like to plan everything. He tends to plan nothing. Together we end up with a good general plan with room for flexibility and acting in the moment, and that always works out better for both of us. Perhaps there is a way for you to to ballance eachother out, for the benefit of yourselves and your kids?

deleted_user 04/29/2013

Differences can be good and sometimes too great. My guy we recently broke up and still remain friends. He was very patient and passive, me take care and have an opinion, he didn't believe in god, I do believe in God, he doesn't like to eat healthy, I am passionate about natural health and healing. We got along really well but long term those huge differences in beliefs would be hard to compromise on. I think it depend on the two people involved. Sometimes people balance one another out as we can't be with our clones. But I do believe you should think somewhat alike on major core issues.
Perhaps when you married you didn't think about all the differences and how they would affect you?

page 04/29/2013

Yes, I'm very familiar with having a spouse that's my polar opposite.
While dating this was very interesting.
The clash of values & beliefs - Can you both come to a compromise (of the good from each parent) that is presented to the children?
I think it would be helpful for you to find what you believe in and what you do not. Adding a learn to believe in yourself is important. Children will sense low self esteem and take advantage. Not good for them or you. Even little goals, can help you achieve this. Good luck with everything...... Page.

Rivasllene 04/30/2013

Thank you everyone. I think we do have a balance in a way...I just end up frustrated in a lot of situations because sometimes I don't think my opinion is heard or even valued. He feels that what he says is, for him, and that's mainly all he is concerned with. I often envy that he can just accept himself for what he is, even if its not always what is "good" (if that makes any sense)
Basically he doesn't care what people think and I want to find myself in that place too...I've way too long been a people pleaser and failing to focus on making myself happy. I think I am selfish, but maybe not in the right ways.
The hardest parties definitely feeling balanced for the kids sake....

deleted_user 04/30/2013

My husband and I are also very different. We clash on politics, some beliefs and many interests. I'm grounded in ways and free spirit in others and he seems to be finding himself alot of the time.

I felt like we were enemies at times but we have worked hard to find what is the core of what we want. In marriage things can change at times due to different perspectives. I felt at times that actions were deliberate and each of us just wanted to do things a certain way.

We try to focus on that we both want the best route and try to undestand each other better. My statements are basic but every relationship is different.

Change what you can and make the best out of what you can't change:)

Marriage is a roller coaster at times but getting over the humps into the area where you can find each other again on common ground feels so good:)

Rivasllene 05/01/2013

That's great advice Suzanne :)

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