Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I've been dating an emotionally unavailable man off and on for more than a year. I had resigned myself to the fact that we would never have a real relationship because he can't give me the intimacy and communication I need, but I still love many, many things about him and continue to want to spend time with him.
Recently I found out my mom has cancer and told him about it. Suddenly it was like I had found the latch to some previously locked gate. He was understanding, warm, and empathetic. He also told me about how his mother died of cancer and how difficult his childhood was, which is why he thinks he stays so emotionally distant now. I was stunned by his sudden self awareness. He called himself out on "mommy issues" and emotional unavailability. For the first time he also said out loud that he loves me, that I'm one of the most important people in his life. It was the best conversation we've ever had, and I felt incredibly close to him. I had been very ambivalent about whether or not I love him, but I definitely loved the person I was talking to that night.
Then suddenly it was like he realized he put too much out there and got scared. He tearfully told me he had to leave because he loves me so much that he thinks I should find someone else, because he doesn't want me to deal with his issues. My reaction to that was anger. It sounds like a huge cop-out to me. I told him he was being an idiot to deny himself love and happiness, that I'm not asking for anything he can't give but I KNOW he CAN give it, because I saw it right in front of my eyes. He said he can't be that person all the time. Seeing my sadness, I guess he rethought things and decided to stay. For the rest of the night it was as if the freakout never happened, and we stayed up talking til 5 am. Still, I think he might be back behind the locked gate. I saw him today and he seemed quite distant. I feel like he's leaving things up to me, but I don't know what to do. Ironically, now that we might be ending things I know for sure I am in love with him, and I don't want to lose that.
Recently I found out my mom has cancer and told him about it. Suddenly it was like I had found the latch to some previously locked gate. He was understanding, warm, and empathetic. He also told me about how his mother died of cancer and how difficult his childhood was, which is why he thinks he stays so emotionally distant now. I was stunned by his sudden self awareness. He called himself out on "mommy issues" and emotional unavailability. For the first time he also said out loud that he loves me, that I'm one of the most important people in his life. It was the best conversation we've ever had, and I felt incredibly close to him. I had been very ambivalent about whether or not I love him, but I definitely loved the person I was talking to that night.
Then suddenly it was like he realized he put too much out there and got scared. He tearfully told me he had to leave because he loves me so much that he thinks I should find someone else, because he doesn't want me to deal with his issues. My reaction to that was anger. It sounds like a huge cop-out to me. I told him he was being an idiot to deny himself love and happiness, that I'm not asking for anything he can't give but I KNOW he CAN give it, because I saw it right in front of my eyes. He said he can't be that person all the time. Seeing my sadness, I guess he rethought things and decided to stay. For the rest of the night it was as if the freakout never happened, and we stayed up talking til 5 am. Still, I think he might be back behind the locked gate. I saw him today and he seemed quite distant. I feel like he's leaving things up to me, but I don't know what to do. Ironically, now that we might be ending things I know for sure I am in love with him, and I don't want to lose that.
I'm in the same situation...different details, but same thing. I noticed that the moment I agreed with him that he was emotionally unavailable and I had no interest in changing him, and started talking about how we can always be friends, but I have to accept that he was not available and he didn't want to be. I went on to share my relief at accepting this fact and I shared my excitement about being freed up to find someone I could share my life with and be happy with. Well...the moment I confided in him that I was happy about meeting a man who could give me what I need and deserve, and "isn't that great? Aren't you happy for me?!" he changed his tune. Suddenly, the walls came down and he was available again. I'm going to make my final decision about whether to dump and move on or stay when he comes out to visit me in a few weeks. My gut tells me that regardless of how the visit goes I was correct to get excited about meeting someone who wanted the same things I did- and that's not Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. Men dish out exactly as much s**t as women will tolerate. Good luck with your situation! Keep us posted, please.
He's back behind his "locked gate". Let him stay there. Move on.
Is this little morsel of communication something you can sustain yourself on for years to come, when he decides to give you another?