I'm sorry megsmom8816. I know this is difficult. Do you let him have some down time when he gets home? Maybe suggest or ask him if you gave him 20 30 min to decompress after he gets home in exchange for talk time. Maybe begin with just pleasant stuff instead of troubles. I know men are fixers and when you talk about stuff they can't fix it makes them anxious.

Well, today was a good example of how I can NEVER know when the silent treatment will hit. I had gone Christmas shopping with friends, and took the day off of work. He went in to work for only a couple of hours. When I got home, he was in our room watching tv, so I went in to talk to him, show him what I bought etc. He acted uninterested. I stayed out of there for about an hour, and went in to see if he needed anything...he just said "for you to leave me alone and stop trying to talk to me" in a very mean tone. I just don't get it.

Something is definitely up. Guys are not big talkers so I really don't know what to suggest. If you are able to you may look into counseling for yourself. Maybe you can find a good counselor who can coach you on how to respond to him. I am divorced and during the last year of my marriage communication was really difficult. My EX-H and I would write to each other in a notebook. He worked nights and I would leave it in the bathroom for him to read and he would reply and I would read it the next day. I would write about how things said and done made me feel. I think he needs to know how this is affecting you, but not be told face to face.

I really don't feel qualified to sort all this out or give advice. Just want you to know I care and feel your pain. good luck

In defense of guys, sometimes things happen that set us off. It can be as small as our sports team losing or as big as stress from work. Guys need that small bit of space to enjoy peace.

We don't like talking about it. We don't want people bothering us, we don't want anything but some relaxation. Once that happens, we will break out of our shell and return to normalcy. Life is hard

To me, the silent treatment is so passive agressive and abusive...just beyond words.

L~

Sounds like deeper issues here than his team losing a game. Silent treatment is definitely passive-aggression, and is unexpressed anger.

How often does he do this? Or is it a permanent situation? If it's on/off - can you talk to him about it when he's being more communicative?

It is off and on, and today he was himself again...I asked him what was up last night, and he said "You have been married to me long enough to know that sometimes I want to be alone and not talk to anyone"....and when I asked why he was so mean then, he just said "that is how I am when I don't want to talk".....so frustrating! I do agree it is passive-agressive behavior. It is his way of letting me know he is in charge of the situation I think, which is not necessary when I know there is no reason to blame me for anything.

Johndoe....I think you are right. That is about how he explains it.

That's just his way of getting away with being mean to you when ever he wants to.

Such crap. Sorry. It really is crap.

L~

It's also a form of control and punishment and a needing to be RIGHT. We teach people how to treat us and you can tell him his little game doesn't work anymore to go and pout and "feel sorry for me". You can tell him I refuse to play the silent game with you and if he needs time from not talking he can take it for a couple hours but not days. He is just controlling the situation. Let him be and choose not to be bothered by it and go and do your thing. He likes that you are getting bothered and he has you where he wants you. Sooner or later he will realize it isn't working anymore. Another thing you can ask if why do you still stay married if you have to go through this type of treatment when he doesn't want to talk. He can just say I need my time alone right now and give eachother space but not create a whole issue around it. Best to you!

Oh and I'm not an advocate of divorce at all. I just think that you need to speak your mind to let him know this doesn't work for you in the relationship. Also read the book "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman.

Well I think it is ok for each of you to have some alone time. I agree that he doesn't need to be mean. Since you were able to discuss it like adults then I suggest you two agree that next time he wants alone time to just say it. All he has to say is, "megsmom8816, can I just be alone for awhile? I'm not in the mood to visit/chat/talk whatever." Then you accept it and leave him be without saying anything more. That way he doesn't have to be rude to get you to leave him alone and you don't have to worry that you have done something wrong. All you have to do is say, "ok, well you know where to find me when you are ready."

Dr. Phil always says that a person won't engage in a behavior unless there is some sort of pay off.

I suppose his payoff is the fact that his silent treatment is causing you distress and he likes having you wondering and asking him what is wrong... What an immature guy! Does he have some good points to offset his crappy baby ways??

We can only control ourselves...I wouldn't even try to talk to him when he gets like this.. I would talk to others instead. Next time he pulls the silent treatment I would call a friend and talk where he can hear you.. I would say.. "Hi, I called you up because "John " is giving me the silent treatment again and I need someone to talk to" ... If this upsets him tell him he shouldn't be behaving in ways that he is ashamed of.. because you are not going to be a victim and let him treat you this way without getting support from others.

You might also ask him how he would feel if another woman who he loves.. such as a sister or a niece were being treated this way by their husband. See what he has to say to that... I'm assuming that you have talked to him about how irksome his "Silent Treatment" is.

He sounds really immature. I hope you are getting something from this relationship to balance out this major flaw

He does have good qualities, which is the only reason I have stayed all of these years. But he cycles, to the point where I have suggested he might be bipolar....but he says he doesn't think he is that bad at all, and then lists all of the things he does for me...helping clean, etc. Many times I have thought of leaving...and my daughter is 23 and so I am pretty much done raising her....but then he will be great for awhile. I will definitely try doing the ignoring next time. I think I just hate having anyone mad at me, and always blame myself for their anger for some reason.

That is probably his payoff... He probably feels really important when you are begging him to talk to you. It's probably a huge power trip that he can control your mood.

I would turn on my favorite music and sing .. call up friends.. and let him come around when he comes around.

I would make a date with a friend to go out to lunch or dinner.. I would leave without telling him .. or leave him a note.. and then say..
I was just in the mood for some good conversation.. and you were in pouty baby mode again ...

I wouldn't do anything rash.. but you have every right to be happy and if he wants to be a butthead.. let him.. but don't let it bring you down.