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This is long. God knows, if you read it, thanks in advance.
I can't really even put 100% into this post what the whole problem is, so I know you're taking it on good faith that I am giving you the best scenerio I can. I will also admit I am bias.Here goes:
My older brother is 40. He is unemployed, hasn't held down a steady job since he was 26. He rents a home and, because he knows the people he rents from, they are "ok" that he is 4 months behind in rent. He lied on his taxes for many years, and has owed the IRS in back taxes for many years.
My parents (and they completely admit this) are enablers. They have lent him upwards of probably 30,000 over the years...paying off taxes, car repairs, rents, groceries, electricity, etc. He comes around with his tail between his legs, bums money, never pays it back, is nice for probably two weeks, then goes back to being a dick. He's unappreciative and mean. Just mean.
My dad has something called "end of life" disease. I won't go into the details, but the name pretty much says it all. My Dad has become considerably more physically weak over the years. When he has asked my brother for help with, say, mowing his lawn (he has 5 acres, so it's a big "lawn"), my brother says he doesn't have time. He also made it clear he "isn't going to just offer help."
This has been a cycle for years and years and years. Loses job (always over some sketchy circumstances), needs money, acts like a dick. Shampoo, rinse, repeat.
My parents will try to talk to him about his game plan. He never has one. Never has a remote idea what he will do with his life. When he gets real pissed, he also sometimes then gets depressed, and will send my Mom emails about how much he sucks.
On Facebook, though? He is the nicest guy ever. Always reminds people to be kind, treat others with respect. Seriously.
At the end of December, he got into a fight with my Dad. He needed money to fix his car. This was the night before my parents were leaving with me to go to my house in another state. Brother screams, yells, storms out. Doesn't call, text anything the whole time they are at my house. While at my house, on 1/6, my Dad had to go to emergency. I called my brother to let him know. My brother hasn't spoken to my parents, me, or my sister since 12/28.
Today, my Dad calls him. My brother gets loud and tells my Dad were all assholes for not calling him for weeks. He then calls my dad an "Fing Liar" three times, and hangs up.
This is, literally, a bare bones account. My parents are, according to them, damned if they do, damned if they don't. If they keep helping, they are enabling. If they cut him off, then my parents will stress themselves out, worried he isn't eating.
I keep saying, "He needs a job. Like a grown up. Get a job." My sister and I both work, pay our bils on time. Like middle-aged people tend to do.
Anyhow, I don't know what kind of feedback I wanted here. I'm pretty frustrated and ticked and needed to write this out.
Thanks for reading.
I can't really even put 100% into this post what the whole problem is, so I know you're taking it on good faith that I am giving you the best scenerio I can. I will also admit I am bias.Here goes:
My older brother is 40. He is unemployed, hasn't held down a steady job since he was 26. He rents a home and, because he knows the people he rents from, they are "ok" that he is 4 months behind in rent. He lied on his taxes for many years, and has owed the IRS in back taxes for many years.
My parents (and they completely admit this) are enablers. They have lent him upwards of probably 30,000 over the years...paying off taxes, car repairs, rents, groceries, electricity, etc. He comes around with his tail between his legs, bums money, never pays it back, is nice for probably two weeks, then goes back to being a dick. He's unappreciative and mean. Just mean.
My dad has something called "end of life" disease. I won't go into the details, but the name pretty much says it all. My Dad has become considerably more physically weak over the years. When he has asked my brother for help with, say, mowing his lawn (he has 5 acres, so it's a big "lawn"), my brother says he doesn't have time. He also made it clear he "isn't going to just offer help."
This has been a cycle for years and years and years. Loses job (always over some sketchy circumstances), needs money, acts like a dick. Shampoo, rinse, repeat.
My parents will try to talk to him about his game plan. He never has one. Never has a remote idea what he will do with his life. When he gets real pissed, he also sometimes then gets depressed, and will send my Mom emails about how much he sucks.
On Facebook, though? He is the nicest guy ever. Always reminds people to be kind, treat others with respect. Seriously.
At the end of December, he got into a fight with my Dad. He needed money to fix his car. This was the night before my parents were leaving with me to go to my house in another state. Brother screams, yells, storms out. Doesn't call, text anything the whole time they are at my house. While at my house, on 1/6, my Dad had to go to emergency. I called my brother to let him know. My brother hasn't spoken to my parents, me, or my sister since 12/28.
Today, my Dad calls him. My brother gets loud and tells my Dad were all assholes for not calling him for weeks. He then calls my dad an "Fing Liar" three times, and hangs up.
This is, literally, a bare bones account. My parents are, according to them, damned if they do, damned if they don't. If they keep helping, they are enabling. If they cut him off, then my parents will stress themselves out, worried he isn't eating.
I keep saying, "He needs a job. Like a grown up. Get a job." My sister and I both work, pay our bils on time. Like middle-aged people tend to do.
Anyhow, I don't know what kind of feedback I wanted here. I'm pretty frustrated and ticked and needed to write this out.
Thanks for reading.
It's like my Dad said.,..they write all these books on how to show tough love, but they don't write about what happens if the person you're "tough loving" does something tragic.
On a much toned down level, that was the issue with my ex's older brother. He took the brunt of it growing up and has lifelong issues because of it.
Likewise, I know quite a bit about the difficulties that my ex's parents had, and what they overcame.
And onto the issues of his grandparents (that came from Syria through Ellis Island). I look at my kids and I'm so glad that they made it out of the Middle East (although 75% of their heritage is not from that area).
Because I haven't walked in their shoes...I try to be understanding of the fact that I will likely never know 99% of what others have been through...and just try to be the best person that I can be in my own life.
Hugs, to you OnMyMind, you sound like a caring loving son. I bet you bring your parents great joy.
Gosh, I sure do understand your frustration and anger and whatever the gamut of emotions are. You've gotten great replies here and it seems like so many families have this same issue in one way or another. Mine included. I don't want to hijack your post, but I have a twin sister who totally enables her 22 year old son. Reading your post, sadly I see him being exactly like your brother when he hits 40. I realize he's young, but he's lazy and manipulative. My sis got divorced when he was just 3 and her other son was 11. She wanted the divorce so she felt guilty for breaking the family up ( she had very good reasons ). Because of that, she tried to 'make up' to ' M' , my 22 year old nephew by overindulging him and never disciplining him and never saying no to his every whim. Where that's gotten her is 'M' dropping out of high school, going from fast food job to get fired for not showing up and on to the next one. Arrested twice , once for shoplifting and once for DUI and she ofcourse bailed him out ( literally ) when she didn't have the money. I could go on and on. He lives with her and doesn't contribute at all and she's always broke but she doesn't do a dang thing to make him get off of his lazy ass and change. Why would he ? He's happy as a lark. It infuriates me and my other sister and parents but as you know with your situation, there is NOTHING you or any of us can do is there? The fact that your brother is so mean and that he won't even help your ailing father do yardwork because he won't ' just offer help '? That's disgusting to me. I don't know if there's something you don't know as far as some secret as Aronia spoke of. There could be and there could be guilt involved on your parent's part and that is why they keep giving and giving while being treated with disrespect and letting your brother manipulate and use them. ( I'm in no way implying that they did anything inappropriate, I want to make that very clear ). As a mom, ofcourse I wouldn't want to see either of my sons ( 29 and 23 years old ) struggle and would help if they truly needed help. I wouldn't feel so compelled to help if either one of them didn't do everything they could do to help THEMSELVES first. Your parents know they are getting taken advantage of and yes, they are allowing it. Sadly, there is nothing you nor your sister can do to change that as you know. I understand that they would worry that if they didn't give him money, he may end up homeless. I know I'm rambling on ( I'm a rambler ). I wish I had some kind of good advice. I don't but I wanted to know that I do understand how you are feeling. He is emotionally abusive and I know that has to be so hurtful for you to witness ( and experience ). I think the reason this affects you so much is because you ARE a good, loving son and it hurts you to see your parents going through all of this. It's a lot of turmoil. I hope that somehow things can change. That HE can change. That is going to have to start with your parents, but you know that.
Big hugs~
LMT
Patti - your words just meant a lot. It reminded me of Aronia, pointing out that I am trying to be a good son. That means a lot because I forget that I am sometimes.
Luvmytitans - wow, thanks for the caring and deeply thought-out reply! It does seem this is really common in a lot of families. I don't take any offense, or thought, you meant they did anything inappropriate. If they did, then there probably isn't enough therapy in the world to help me figure that out!
I am glad you saw the "mean" part. That's really the part that ticks me off to no end. The utter and complete disrespect. I've told my parents (as someone here suggested) how I feel about it because they ask my opinion, which may or may not be appropriate - idk. I told them it isn't borrowing money that annoys me, it's his mean-spirited and selfish attitude.
I don't know where his lack of motivation and initiative comes from. I really don't. Essentially, he is technically a welfare recipient, but you wouldn't know it from the window dressing.
At this point, besides calling to curse my Dad out, he hasn't spoken to anyone in the family in a month. I don't even go on FB anymore because it ticks me off to see him reminding people to be kind and respectful and seeing all the replies about what great guy he is.