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This is long. God knows, if you read it, thanks in advance.
I can't really even put 100% into this post what the whole problem is, so I know you're taking it on good faith that I am giving you the best scenerio I can. I will also admit I am bias.Here goes:
My older brother is 40. He is unemployed, hasn't held down a steady job since he was 26. He rents a home and, because he knows the people he rents from, they are "ok" that he is 4 months behind in rent. He lied on his taxes for many years, and has owed the IRS in back taxes for many years.
My parents (and they completely admit this) are enablers. They have lent him upwards of probably 30,000 over the years...paying off taxes, car repairs, rents, groceries, electricity, etc. He comes around with his tail between his legs, bums money, never pays it back, is nice for probably two weeks, then goes back to being a dick. He's unappreciative and mean. Just mean.
My dad has something called "end of life" disease. I won't go into the details, but the name pretty much says it all. My Dad has become considerably more physically weak over the years. When he has asked my brother for help with, say, mowing his lawn (he has 5 acres, so it's a big "lawn"), my brother says he doesn't have time. He also made it clear he "isn't going to just offer help."
This has been a cycle for years and years and years. Loses job (always over some sketchy circumstances), needs money, acts like a dick. Shampoo, rinse, repeat.
My parents will try to talk to him about his game plan. He never has one. Never has a remote idea what he will do with his life. When he gets real pissed, he also sometimes then gets depressed, and will send my Mom emails about how much he sucks.
On Facebook, though? He is the nicest guy ever. Always reminds people to be kind, treat others with respect. Seriously.
At the end of December, he got into a fight with my Dad. He needed money to fix his car. This was the night before my parents were leaving with me to go to my house in another state. Brother screams, yells, storms out. Doesn't call, text anything the whole time they are at my house. While at my house, on 1/6, my Dad had to go to emergency. I called my brother to let him know. My brother hasn't spoken to my parents, me, or my sister since 12/28.
Today, my Dad calls him. My brother gets loud and tells my Dad were all assholes for not calling him for weeks. He then calls my dad an "Fing Liar" three times, and hangs up.
This is, literally, a bare bones account. My parents are, according to them, damned if they do, damned if they don't. If they keep helping, they are enabling. If they cut him off, then my parents will stress themselves out, worried he isn't eating.
I keep saying, "He needs a job. Like a grown up. Get a job." My sister and I both work, pay our bils on time. Like middle-aged people tend to do.
Anyhow, I don't know what kind of feedback I wanted here. I'm pretty frustrated and ticked and needed to write this out.
Thanks for reading.
I can't really even put 100% into this post what the whole problem is, so I know you're taking it on good faith that I am giving you the best scenerio I can. I will also admit I am bias.Here goes:
My older brother is 40. He is unemployed, hasn't held down a steady job since he was 26. He rents a home and, because he knows the people he rents from, they are "ok" that he is 4 months behind in rent. He lied on his taxes for many years, and has owed the IRS in back taxes for many years.
My parents (and they completely admit this) are enablers. They have lent him upwards of probably 30,000 over the years...paying off taxes, car repairs, rents, groceries, electricity, etc. He comes around with his tail between his legs, bums money, never pays it back, is nice for probably two weeks, then goes back to being a dick. He's unappreciative and mean. Just mean.
My dad has something called "end of life" disease. I won't go into the details, but the name pretty much says it all. My Dad has become considerably more physically weak over the years. When he has asked my brother for help with, say, mowing his lawn (he has 5 acres, so it's a big "lawn"), my brother says he doesn't have time. He also made it clear he "isn't going to just offer help."
This has been a cycle for years and years and years. Loses job (always over some sketchy circumstances), needs money, acts like a dick. Shampoo, rinse, repeat.
My parents will try to talk to him about his game plan. He never has one. Never has a remote idea what he will do with his life. When he gets real pissed, he also sometimes then gets depressed, and will send my Mom emails about how much he sucks.
On Facebook, though? He is the nicest guy ever. Always reminds people to be kind, treat others with respect. Seriously.
At the end of December, he got into a fight with my Dad. He needed money to fix his car. This was the night before my parents were leaving with me to go to my house in another state. Brother screams, yells, storms out. Doesn't call, text anything the whole time they are at my house. While at my house, on 1/6, my Dad had to go to emergency. I called my brother to let him know. My brother hasn't spoken to my parents, me, or my sister since 12/28.
Today, my Dad calls him. My brother gets loud and tells my Dad were all assholes for not calling him for weeks. He then calls my dad an "Fing Liar" three times, and hangs up.
This is, literally, a bare bones account. My parents are, according to them, damned if they do, damned if they don't. If they keep helping, they are enabling. If they cut him off, then my parents will stress themselves out, worried he isn't eating.
I keep saying, "He needs a job. Like a grown up. Get a job." My sister and I both work, pay our bils on time. Like middle-aged people tend to do.
Anyhow, I don't know what kind of feedback I wanted here. I'm pretty frustrated and ticked and needed to write this out.
Thanks for reading.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
sounds much like my sister and mother. i am not the best person to give advice but I can tell you it took a lot of boundary work on my part with both mom and sister. Mom has pretty much cut my sister off completely in the last several months. I can't control what other people do or say but i can control how i let it into my life. sister is not allowed near me or to contact me. mom got physically ill from her stress finally listening to me and the doctor.
hopefully he can come to his senses and use his philosophy of being kind to his own family. sorry you are going through this.
Unless they are asking you for money to give to him... then you could always say 'NO" ..
But be there for your parents as much as you can and just let them handle your brother.
Do you have children? Try to envision the same scenario. One child totally screwing up and your other child judging him and telling you to kick him to the curb.... As a parent that would only add stress to the situation.
Read the Serenity prayer over and over again!
Good luck
Thank you!
For whatever reason they feel guilty not helping him..
It is their choice.
My grandmother helped/enabled my uncle until she died. It is sad.
Be a good son to your parents. I know you can help but be angry with your brother, but obviously he isn't right if he can't understand how to do the right thing at this age.
I am sorry this is happening to your family
Giving in to his demands will only help the terrible behaviour to continue... I think he probably needs some professional help to change and grow
Whether he does this or not at 40 is going to be up to him however you can all have boundaries... I wouldn't tolerate this even one more time... Big hug for you... I'm very sorry that you're Father is so ill....xo
My uncle was a terrible alcoholic. I remember he used to come to where I lived with my grandmother, he smelled terrible, like a street person. My grandmother and I were nearly starving, but she would still give him money knowing he would spend it on booze. We are dried fruit and oatmeal for 2 weeks until she got paid again.
Later on, when I grew up, I found out about some terrible family secrets. Apparently my grand father used to beat the shit out of him when he was a child and my grandmother stayed in the marriage anyway. Then his first love got murdered under I know circumstances.
That did my uncle in and he became a terrible drunk.
I think my grandmother always felt responsible for his fait, although it was not all her fault.
Behind every screw up, every addict, every convict there is a story. It is not an excuse, but an explanation.
It still hurt no matter what. I sent money to my mother for years because just like your brother, she could not function on her own.
I also felt very guilty cutting her off.
I think your parents are not telling you something.
It is not fair that you, as the " good son" , is almost taken for granted because nobody can even imagine you acting irresponsibly, but it is almost expected of your brother.
I hope you will be able to come to some sort of peace with this...
Hug.
Aronia - maybe they aren't telling me something. I think they tell me too much. TBH, I shouldn't know the amount of help and money they have given him. I can tell you that they have never given him money that took security from themselves.
He has always done things suspiciously, like when we were kids, he hide progress reports, etc from school. My parents figured it out, and he almost flunked out ( I know that's small). When he was little, he hoarded food. Junk food. And he stills does that. He admits he's an overeater.
He is a manipulator. Usually this has worked on my Mom. My mom is closer to him, and my Dad tends to be closer to my sister and me. A few years ago, he moved back in with my parents to save money. He ended up blowing it. When my Dad gave him the number of his lawyer to sort out his back taxes, my brother never did it, and then told my Dad he figured he would do it for him.
There is a learned helplessness with my brother that just didn't translate to my sister or myself.
It's just my parents are 65 and not in great shape. He's 40 and still wants to be parented, but he treats them like garbage. How does someone have a conversation about their Dad buying them new tires for their car, and screams at their parents in the same convo?
Anyhow, thanks for listening.