Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
So my significant other and myself have been together for just over 5 years. My son (with my S.O.) is 4.5. Doing the math you can see that I got pregnant VERY shortly after we started "dating". I had just disentangled myself from a 10+ year marriage and was honestly not looking to hook up with anyone long-term. Due to specific medical conditions I was told years ago that I could not have children so imagine my surprise after 2 weeks of dating K that I got pregnant. I'm going to be blatantly honest here - I did not want to commit to a long-term relationship with K and I did not want to have a child. Now 5 years later I am IN LOVE with my child (so funny how life works - didn't know how much I would love a child until I had one:))) but am struggling to stay in the relationship with his father. We never really had a chance to "date" per say as I got pregnant so quickly and because my career is very demanding I do not have alot of time to plug into a relationship other than with my son and my work. There are aspects of him that I like and appreciate so I struggle with actually leaving. Also he is a fairly good father and I don't want my son to have to be away from him (or me if we share custody 50-50). Here's my issue - ALL of my relationships end the same, with me leaving due to "unhappiness" with the relationship. I'm trying to ascertain at this point if it's just me and my commitment issues or if this relationship is really not the one for me. Any suggestions, advice? It's driving me crazy because I feel restless and in need to solve this issue NOW. I don't want to waste anymore time in a relationship if it's not an appropriate one for me (I ALWAYS have a tendancy to gravitate towards the wrong men!) because I want to be happy - with or without a man!!
Sorry so long and I'm really generalizing my situation but I figured you didn't want to read a novel:)))
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
If your partner is your partner is the problem, that's one thing, but if you're just not happy, that's another. Happiness is not your partner's responsibility, it's yours. When one feels unhappy about life, leaving a relationship doesn't necessarily solve it, it just puts it off for a later time, in another relationship, with another person, and this may be what you're experiencing.
If you can freely talk, and know that he will listen, try that.
But first you need to know what you want and need out of the relationship, and your expectations of him, as well as yourself. This is something you need to think about before sitting him down.
Only then will you see if the unhappiness is because of something he is or isn't doing, or if it's because right now, you really are just too busy to maintain this relationship.
But whatever you choose, do not stay with someone just because there is a child involved. Take it from someone from a (multiple) broken home, it's much more toxic for the child to live and see that tension day-to-day.
I hope this helps you, please keep us updated! xoxo
If you don't love this man then I think you owe it both to yourself and to him to let him go.... You both deserve to be in loving relationships
It's not fair to him if you don't want to be with him other then for your child
Co parenting relationships can work very well if everyone puts the child first and foremost
If you do break up then perhaps you can seek some therapy if you believe you have commitment problems
If you want to try and make this relationship work then you can seek some therapy for this if you believe it's what you both really want
Big hug... I know this has to be hard.... xo
Lenoire, you make some very good points. Since I seem to gravitate to the same type of man all of the time (underachievers, lazy, not passionate about life) than I am assuming that the majority of my unhappiness lays within the tumult of the relationship itself at this point in my life. I'm happy and successful at work, love spending time with my friends and my son and have a few hobbies that I even manage to squeeze in sometimes :D The only aspect of my life that I always feel dissatisfied in is my relationships. I'm not sure if I'm too vain and believe that I sell myself short with the mates I pick and could do way better or too stupid to realize that everyone has short-comings and I just expect too much of the men I'm with. I feel the only way I can know this for sure is to be on my own for a length of time to help determine if the unhappiness lays within the relationships that I choose or within myself as a person. Thank you for helping me to really chew on that point......
Lavender - yes, I have talked to him AD NASEUM about what I want from a relationship (and trust me, the list really isn't that long!! LOL). That's the thing that really pisses me off - I don't feel that I ask for too much in a relationship and I'm not a half bad catch in return. Work, be a bit useful around the house, have a good sense of humour and be loyal to me - that's essentially it. And it seems I ALWAYS pick the guys that have an issue with the first 2 and then I end up resenting them and emotionally packing it in WAY before I actually exit the door.
Anyway, I've gone on long enough:))) You gals have given me lots to think and meditate on. I guess at the end of the day I stay or I go. And keep bitching about it on this site.....LOL.
You were leaving your message just as I was typing my reply to the others:)))
You are absolutely right - it's so not fair to K to keep staying when I don't really feel I should. We did try the therapy route for a bit - it was unsuccessful but only because we would communicate fabulously while we were in session and then fall to follow through with any of the suggestions the counsellor came up with for us to follow through at home. Pretty typical of both of us, I'm afraid.
As for counselling for myself - been there, done that, should really go for round 2! :D
Thank you for your thoughtful advice. And Happy Thanksgiving weekend as I believe you are a fellow Canuck, are you not??:))))
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/relationships-that-hurt-when-enough-is-enough/