Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
First off, let me say... I'm a worrier. I'm a guy, it sucks.
My girlfriend is about to graduate college, and she wants to go to grad school, and get her 8 year too.
I... work for $8.50 an hour. Anyone see a problem yet?
Where I stand.
Great guy, never fight,treat her with respect, and pay half the bills, and treat her out whenever I can. (Usually weekly)
Bust my butt (at least I try) Work full time, do our laundry, cook ect... oh boy..
The reason I do all this, is because she is great, she works full time, and goes to school 5 days a week. She gets 1 day off if that. She is up early, and gets done at 10pm.
We just got cable, and she was worried about the commitment. She says shes not sure where she wants to go 4 grad school. IT was awkward talking about it, she did ask me if there was any place I wouldnt want to go. I guess that made me feel alittle better, as if she is thinking about us, and not her.
((What scares me, I can't tell if this girl is playing the game, or truly might want to be with me.)) Not too long ago we had an abortion, because she didnt want to ruin her future. She also told me she doesn't feel she loves me as much as I love her.)
And I almost left her that day, and I can tell lately she is being more open, and saying more nice things. But what goes through my head now, is... This girl really meaning it? Or is she thinking... wow... this guy is doing everything for me, paying half of all my bills, and i got my own place! Why would I let him go?
Im 22, I could be staying at my dads and saving up 90% of my checks to get a vechile (faster) I have about $800 saved..
Instead, I feel like im in this high risk high reward situation. All i want is to be happy with someone.
Since I live with her, I am only saving 20% of my check instead of 85%. Bills, bills bills.
My biggest fear, is her leaving in 2 years for grad school, and never seeing her again.
I feel like that would just set me back 2 years, and I'd have to start over.
This is kinda pathetic, but... I messed up... I didnt get to go to college. I would love to, but no money.
She just told me she gets $250,000 in 2 years from her grandparents. This kind of makes me feel safe. In a non greedy way, I hope you all understand I would not be with someone for $$.
But since I make a very low amount, I have fear of this brilliant nice lady who's going to get her masters+ being with a HS grad?
I'm nervous. Everything is moving so fast for 8 months. She rushed out of her house, and her cousin decided not to be her roomate. So I jumped in.
My gut tells me, even though this girl seems to be the girl who wouldn't play games or cheat, or scam someone.
that she is placed in a great situation for herself. So why would she change it? I mean hell... a month ago she told me
She got the abortion for HER future, and she wasnt ruining HER future, and that she didnt have deep love feelings for me, (shes only truly loved 2 ppl) she told me.. which ehh im gonna stop here. venting to myself i gues... fk
My girlfriend is about to graduate college, and she wants to go to grad school, and get her 8 year too.
I... work for $8.50 an hour. Anyone see a problem yet?
Where I stand.
Great guy, never fight,treat her with respect, and pay half the bills, and treat her out whenever I can. (Usually weekly)
Bust my butt (at least I try) Work full time, do our laundry, cook ect... oh boy..
The reason I do all this, is because she is great, she works full time, and goes to school 5 days a week. She gets 1 day off if that. She is up early, and gets done at 10pm.
We just got cable, and she was worried about the commitment. She says shes not sure where she wants to go 4 grad school. IT was awkward talking about it, she did ask me if there was any place I wouldnt want to go. I guess that made me feel alittle better, as if she is thinking about us, and not her.
((What scares me, I can't tell if this girl is playing the game, or truly might want to be with me.)) Not too long ago we had an abortion, because she didnt want to ruin her future. She also told me she doesn't feel she loves me as much as I love her.)
And I almost left her that day, and I can tell lately she is being more open, and saying more nice things. But what goes through my head now, is... This girl really meaning it? Or is she thinking... wow... this guy is doing everything for me, paying half of all my bills, and i got my own place! Why would I let him go?
Im 22, I could be staying at my dads and saving up 90% of my checks to get a vechile (faster) I have about $800 saved..
Instead, I feel like im in this high risk high reward situation. All i want is to be happy with someone.
Since I live with her, I am only saving 20% of my check instead of 85%. Bills, bills bills.
My biggest fear, is her leaving in 2 years for grad school, and never seeing her again.
I feel like that would just set me back 2 years, and I'd have to start over.
This is kinda pathetic, but... I messed up... I didnt get to go to college. I would love to, but no money.
She just told me she gets $250,000 in 2 years from her grandparents. This kind of makes me feel safe. In a non greedy way, I hope you all understand I would not be with someone for $$.
But since I make a very low amount, I have fear of this brilliant nice lady who's going to get her masters+ being with a HS grad?
I'm nervous. Everything is moving so fast for 8 months. She rushed out of her house, and her cousin decided not to be her roomate. So I jumped in.
My gut tells me, even though this girl seems to be the girl who wouldn't play games or cheat, or scam someone.
that she is placed in a great situation for herself. So why would she change it? I mean hell... a month ago she told me
She got the abortion for HER future, and she wasnt ruining HER future, and that she didnt have deep love feelings for me, (shes only truly loved 2 ppl) she told me.. which ehh im gonna stop here. venting to myself i gues... fk
On the negative side it sounds like you are focusing too much on her future and worry that you may not be a part of it. Loving someone is a wonderful thing however you also need to feel confident that if things do not work out you can be financially prepared to move one.
I am sure you have dreams of what you want to do in your future as well and the only way to succeed is to start to plan on how to get them. If this relationship is going to work between the two of you then perhaps it might be a good idea for the two of you to discuss how you can work together to reach your goals in dreams.
Maybe that means you both find a cheaper place to rent or see what bills can be cut down. You also could think about moving in with your dad so you can start saving some money and perhaps in time find a job that can pay more to help you save. I realize that if you do move out your fear will be that she may want to break it off with you but I also see that you have fear of the way you are living now so weigh the pros can cons of that.
A relationship that ends is never easy to deal with but a person feels a whole lot better if they have a back up plan and some security if things do not work out. As for the money that she is supposed to receive in the future I would not even think about that at this point. She may decide to use it for something that does not include you at all. In other words don't depend on it to pay any future bills or make things better as things may change a great deal between the two of you before she gets it.
I know things seem a bit bleak and confusing for you right now but you are young and there are so many possibilities out there for you to make your future more secure. Everyone wants to be happy with someone but in order to do that I firmly believe you have to be happy and content with yourself and what you are doing. Anyway think long and hard about your dreams and what you would really like to do. Make a list of things you would like for your future and when you are ready sit down and have a talk with your g/f.
I think it will help in knowing where you stand and fit in with the relationship you have now with her. It also would be better to know now how she feels about your dreams and if she wants to help you reach them rather then wait until she reaches all her goals only to tell you that she wants to move on.
Nothing is guaranteed in our lives and nobody knows what the future will be so the best you can do is try your very best to reach your goals and also prepare yourself for failures as well. If this girl is the right one for you then you will work together to achieve them. Hoping things can be worked out and you are not only happy but you successful in reaching your goals:))
There are a dozen ways to get into college. Loans are one, grants, etc. Hell, I had to pay my own way through nursing school. I got a loan and am paying it back. Ask mom and dad to co sign if you have to. I am sure they'd be elated to see you go to school.
Figure out what you want to do. What are you good at? Go with what you love. This is a fail safe against complete misery if things don't end up working out. You will have something to show for instead of making 8.50 an hour and paying all of the bills. That won't suit you in the future. Think about that, its just advice that will protect you and serve you better.
There is no need to break it off, you don't have to make a decision like that yet. But just take care of you as well as you take care of her. You know?
You need to make sure that in ANY relationship your future is also part of the plan. Until you have children your life belongs to you and you NEED to go to school. What if she does leave you for someone else? Then what?
I am not saying she will, but anything is possible.
From what I've seen, once people get their degrees, get excellent jobs, they start cooking in different circles of people.... increase in status, increase in pay goes to people's heads and they forget where they came from. Suddenly their uneducated significant other is not so interesting anymore and the clothes from Walmart seem embarrassing.
I don't know your gf, maybe she is not shallow like others, but the idea of you being left with nothing after you ve put in SO much into this makes me cringe.
try to figure out a way to keep your relationship but at the same time to ensure that YOU are growing, learning and getting education needed to advance at work.
Best wishes!!!!
Without going too deep into the morality issues surrounding abortion, let's just say that your career girlfriend made the all-too-typical choice of using abortion as a means of birth control, which, of course, it's not, because a child would interfere with HER goals and HER aspirations, i.e. making money. I'm all for a woman having the right to choose whether or not to keep a child conceived, but you had a hand in the creation of the baby too, it was your seed, and I'm sure you were devastated. Does she EVER want to have kids? More importantly, can she see herself having kids WITH YOU? Definitely look into the future and see what that outcome will be, and discuss possibilities with her. Definitely be a bit more careful with birth control from here on out, since you're not financially able to raise a kid, and she's too busy focusing on her career to raise a kid.
first off, ending a relationship is hard to do, i mean emotionally as well as financially.
you need to have a heart to heart conversation with this girl
tell her you dont want to waste her time and you dont want your time to be wasted. tell her what you feel and let her open up to you.
sounds like she is a smart, stable lady. she should be able to make a good decision for herself -
yes, money is nice and makes things easier but it does not buy happiness.
my brother is married to a girl he has been with for 15+ years. she is filthy rich, she did not persue college, just been sitting at home since she dropped out of highschool.
anyway-- they just got married and had a child. they do what she wants to do, in the order she wants to do it in. he has been glued to her ass since the day they met. my brother does not have a highschool degree. he does work and makes fair money though.
the point is, he is kinda in the same situation as you...
he has had to do it her way for years and years, and i think its in account to the money she has. she is a total bitch and a control freak. he hardly talks to me bc i am a girl, sister or not, he avoids contact with females.
he claims to be happy but i seroiusly doubt he is. just content.
good luck, live your life and just understand what you may be in for.
It was our first mini fight, and I haven't been as close ever since. However, she is constantly complimenting me... saying "man you are so much like my dad" " Im so glad we never fight, you're the best... ect"
She loves her family, and her dad has similar personality as me. Happy go lucky guy, who jokes alot. Great humor, however I doubt he's as insecure as me.
She has a hard time talking about things that bother her. She told me the day we faught that she can't handle it, and she has been struggling the last 2 years so she supresses everything and pretends like its not there. I'm a talker, i want to be open, i want her to be open... no secrets.
Another thing that scares me is her age. 20, she's young.. but seems headed in the right direction, but you all know we both still have alot of learning to do.
I feel like I'm at a good level, but hearing her say she's only loved 2 people.
Example X, "I would have done anything for matt, he was one of the only ppl I know who liked this banned that I did. No one else has ever heard of him. But he would always play games with me, and have my best friend sleep over and not me. He won't even talk to me anymore"
She seems really beat up on this guy, and I can't help but get furious.
This is lust, crush... high school drama.
I am happy she is open when we talked about it. But this sounds like a high school chick who's not mature at all.
You really love someone because of a banned? And you loved someone you were never intamet with(sorry for spelling) And someone who was giving you mixed signals and sleeping with your best friend?
Seems like a scum bag who does not deserve her. I didn't say the scum bag part, but I did say he didn't deserve her. And she shouldnt want to be with someone who doesnt want her.
Which brings up my point. I dont want to ask her, but I want to just say.. Dakotah, Look me in the eyes, is there any way you can see yourself with me 10 years from now. Could you see yourself have a child with me. And if she couldn't, it would hurt.. and Id probably leave. She pushes some of my buttons, but who doesn't after 8 months of every day. I could see myself with her, if she truly worked on it.
Thank you all for your opinions, I will do my best to help thoughs who want opinions themselves. It's just my way of venting, and letting go of everything I truly fear, that I try not to show in person.
:)
Conversely, if you DON'T want to go to college you should be OK with that. It is more important that you are comfortable with yourself and your choices than pandering to some girl. If she doesn't work out some other girl will appreciate who you are.
If I leave her, or leave the apartment, I donno where my motivation will go. I know it wont be as great. That's just me being honest. But at least I'll be able to save faster with no bills, help my dad out a little. While he helps me out, and hopefully go back to school. blah
College aside, EXERCISE. It strengthens and deepens the body, mind and spirit. I ride my bicycle at least a couple miles a day (did 14 miles yesterday) and work out at the gym twice a week. I believe youfit has a $10 a month thing going on now.
I do, after I bike-ride to the gym (7 miles) 20 minutes of cardio, followed by pushing the weights, followed by some stretching, and then, if I'm not completely exhausted, 20 mins. more cardio and a 7 mile bike-ride home. It completely physically exhausts me, but my mental clarity is extremely acute when I do this, and I'm spiritually centered, feel warm and wonderful! Me, I like physical exhaustion. It's mental exhaustion that drains me. Sounds like so is the case with you. You're depleted. Time to concentrate on sweating. Start slow, do what your body can handle, then work up gradually.
Waiting to "coast" on her $250k inheritance, I'm afraid, is a false hope, man. Time to beef up yourself.
And yes, it would be very hard for a woman with an advanced degree to date someone with a HS education. And you definitely sound intelligent enough to earn a college diploma and then some. Don't postpone your education. The time to do that is before you have children...then it becomes next to impossible.
So, do under estimate yourself so easily.