Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I've been separated for 6 months now, I know it's way too soon to start another relationship but I thought it wouldn't kill me to meet people.
Couple of days before new year's a guy messaged me via Facebook, I asked him some questions before adding him because I don't just add random people, turns out we have some friends in common and one of them told him he might enjoy chatting with me, after checking if that was true we started talking every single day.
I must admit he's not really my type, but I thought "oh c'mon, don't be so shallow, give the guy a chance" and I started to like him. The issue is he lives in another city and we haven't met in person yet (I found out I have hpv so I've been having tratments since December and I can't even put on jeans because it hurts like hell, so I'm not in shape to meet anyone).
So everything's perfect and then, last night while we were talking, something about the media and the image of perfection, blah blah, he said that he had to confess that he was afraid that I wasn't going to look as good in person as I look in my facebook pictures and that was such a turn off for me, am I overreacting for feeling bad because of that?
I don't have the best self esteem, so as soon as he said that I visualized my stretch marks, the cellulite, the zits I get every month and basically panicked. My stbxh used to point out every flaw of my body pretty much every day, so I had this deja vu feeling, like the pressure of not looking good enough for someone and I didn't like it.
Couple of days before new year's a guy messaged me via Facebook, I asked him some questions before adding him because I don't just add random people, turns out we have some friends in common and one of them told him he might enjoy chatting with me, after checking if that was true we started talking every single day.
I must admit he's not really my type, but I thought "oh c'mon, don't be so shallow, give the guy a chance" and I started to like him. The issue is he lives in another city and we haven't met in person yet (I found out I have hpv so I've been having tratments since December and I can't even put on jeans because it hurts like hell, so I'm not in shape to meet anyone).
So everything's perfect and then, last night while we were talking, something about the media and the image of perfection, blah blah, he said that he had to confess that he was afraid that I wasn't going to look as good in person as I look in my facebook pictures and that was such a turn off for me, am I overreacting for feeling bad because of that?
I don't have the best self esteem, so as soon as he said that I visualized my stretch marks, the cellulite, the zits I get every month and basically panicked. My stbxh used to point out every flaw of my body pretty much every day, so I had this deja vu feeling, like the pressure of not looking good enough for someone and I didn't like it.
I suppose you could second-chance it, write that off as a well-meaning expression of nervous apprehension (''i'm scared you won't live up to my expectations") and see if he can redeem himself. I wouldn't personally, but I'm pretty impatient. Also, keep in mind that for any man who rejects you on petty grounds like that, there are a thousand more who won't. Good luck!
I would have serious second thoughts about this guy.
He did apologize after that saying sometimes he's not careful with how the things he says may sound, but I can only thing "what you see is what you get" and he's making me feel insecure already and we're not even dating yet.
I never thought he would be "the one", but still I'm kinda disappointed, maybe I'm not even ready to start meeting people yet.
He was so rude. There was nothing wrong with me, it was him.
Now, if I could be like that now. ugh.
The person I am talking to now is visually impaired, but I still worry about how I look when I go to see him. He doesn't care, says he likes me the way I am. One good thing about him.
I think its perfectly understandable that not having met one would wonder if the person looks as good as their photo.
Even so, as women, dont we all get to the age of 40 when we love ourselves enough, stretch marks and all, that if a potential suitor decides we're not the right look or any other sort of fit for hinm, we dont take it personally? I mean c'mon, there are incredibly rare men over 40 who have perfect bodies and perfect faces, AND are financially sound with a career and a house (hi RFTA !! inside joke, sorry).
Our bodies carry and deliver new little spirits into this earth for crying out loud! thats miraculous and magic and powerful! No man rejecting me because of stretch marks can interfere with THAT tidbit of reality :)
I think the majority of men and women, post divorce, are less interested in perfect and more interested in a good fit. And here's my philosophy since my marriage dissolved -- a good man loved me once, another good man will love me again, its how I know I'm lovable, I have empirical evidence :)
and you do too :)
6 months I think is too early, but if you're going to go, go proud !
The only thing I can say in his favor is that, when people meet online, sometimes they will put up pics from years ago, and then it's misleading when the two actually meet.
BUT...he should've kept his observation to himself. Once he realized you looked just as good in person, he should've left it alone.
"Life is so unpredictable"
Try to find something fun to do with other people, it's a good way to meet people that have the same interest and you won't have to go on any dates just yet to have some fun and to talk to people.
That is funny Mimi.
Sorry , Mimi
There is no rule for how long you should wait before meeting or dating new people. Do whatever feels good for now - when youre ready, youll be ready.
I think I would have been a little put off by this guy too. Like what? -if youre not perfect when you meet eachother, then hes just going to shut out all of your other amazing qualities? Whatever.
It shows where his priorities may lie. I completely have your back if thats a deal breaker for you.
Just go up to a random dude you think might be interesting, and say "hi". If his eye gleams, proceed further.
Yes, men tend to be visually stimulated by women first, then intellectually and emotionally stimulated by women, if at all, later. It's not to say that men can't have intellectual capability or emotional warmth, it's just that the visual is what tends to make our wee wees work. For your sakes too, ladies, you want a stiff wee wee that works; otherwise, you've just got a friend in a man, and you feel unloved and unattractive. It's sad, but it seems to be a biological fact of nature.