Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Selfishness versus Selflessness

koolman
koolman
I'm sure none of us are completely altruistic, selfless, in service of and a doormat to others. No, some selfishness is required, necessary, for our own survival. But I for one like to be part of a good "team", where we both want and are working together toward the same things, are both interested in seeing each other prosperous, healthy and happy.

What I'm encountering of course is a lot of selfishness, manipulation of me for someone else's own selfish purposes. I try not to be that way too, but find I HAVE to be, to survive among all the other selfish people around me. Or if the person offers to do me a favor, I know they will call in that favor at a later date, expect something in return. Therefore, I tend to not ask for help, even when I need help.

Anyway, your thoughts on the matter...
patti22
patti22
It's a balancing act, isn't it.

I try to be self-sufficient too. Although I do try to offer help freely.
That does mean that I get used at times. I'm okay with that.

There's some memorable moments when a people have helped me when I REALLY needed the help...and I'll never forget that. (Thank you mysterious person with big truck that pulled me out of the snowbank...)
ShastaSue
ShastaSue
I read someplace that whenever we ask someone to do something for us that we can do for ourselves, then we are taking advantage of that person.

I think it's ok to ask for help if you wouldn't mind someone asking YOU for help if the situation were reversed.

Now... EXPECTING someone to help us because in our own mind we feel they OWE it to us, is where it gets iffy.

If we are discounting what the other person brings to the relationship and over inflating our contribution... that can be a recipe for disaster.
koolman
koolman
Well, this friend of mine has no car so needs me to drive him places. To his credit, he offered to replace my shower floor and did a great job, so it's definitely a give-and-take situation. When giving him a lift gets a little annoying is when I'm out busting my ass filming a wedding and I'll get a text from him asking if I could pick up some food for him on the way back, when he has 7-8 restaurants 2 blocks away, walking distance, from where he is.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
There is nothing wrong with saying 'no'... No I'm not able to do that right now...

Taking someone shopping when they have a lot of bags is one thing... Unless there's something wrong with him physically I wouldn't like that either.. You aren't a taxi service
koolman
koolman
Thanks. He had knee surgery 20 years ago, and the surgery wasn't entirely successful, so it hurts him to walk on his knee sometimes, but 2 blocks? C'mon. I agree.
rmb
rmb
I don't keep score when someone does me a solid or I do a solid for someone else. I mean, if I really don't want to do something for someone , it's usually because of a conflict or a logistics thing, and I just say no, sorry I can't. But otherwise, I don't really feel burdened if someone asks me to do something for them.

Everyone needs help now and then, for a ton of reasons and in a ton of ways. Obviously you need to have boundaries when what a person is asking for can negatively affect you or it goes against your beliefs, like taking them to their drug dealer or continuing to loan them money that they never repay, for example, but for me, I guess I don't find it to be a big dilemma. I do it, they say thanks, I say your welcome, end of story. No one's soul is crushed, no one's day is ruined. It's no biggie.
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