Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi everyone. Please read the following post which I submitted a couple months back on DS for the background info. needed to answer my question...
I am needing help to know how to handle my father in law. He's a sex addict and has been for years. He's also very manipulative and has a horrible temper when it comes to being caught (even accidently) or confronted (on anything). I personally don't have much of a problem with his sexual advances because I've made it clear to him it's unacceptable (it helps that my husband supports me on it), but many other females around do...including my close friend. In late April, my mother in law found a hidden camera in the women's restroom (single room) at the family business. My mother in law, myself, and a female secretary (the intended target) were the only ones found on any of the tapes. I personally don't believe my 5 year old who is there for lunch almost daily wasn't on the tapes and erased immediately (he has no problems with children porn or anything of the like), but there is no proof of her on the tapes. My husband and mother in law turned it over to the authorities in hopes that he would finally be required to get some help. He has had problems for years, but had never crossed the legal line (had multiple affairs/inappropriate relationships and severe online porn addiction). It looks like he will be required by the courts to go to mandated counseling among other things. There is a no contact order between him and my mother in law (and divorce pending) as well as between me and him. This is court ordered and not initiated by myself or my mother in law. The court order will time out when the court proceeding is completed...most likely by the end of the year.
So this is what I need to know...what do you recommend I do so I protect my children but don't alienate my husband's father? What steps does anyone recommend I ask him to do before he is allowed to have a relationship with my children again (keep in mind he was an active part of my children's life before April of this year)? Thanks in advance.
Ok, the time has come to meet with my father-in-law. The divorce between him and my mother-in-law is final and the court stuff was final in late October. My questions: 1. What recommendations does anyone have to help my almost 6 year old understand this and feel safe? Unfortunately, she knows all about what happened as she was involved with interviews with the police (while I was present of course). I have told her Papa has changed because he's addicted (I explained addiction as best I could to her) and not always "safe" to be around. I have told her Drs and therapists are helping him, but he can't be trusted right now. I told her we are going to see him tomorrow, that we would have lots of fun, but that she is to NEVER go anywhere without being in my or hubby's (her father) eyesight. Her cousins will also be there with their mothers (my hubby's sisters), but they have all seen Papa before and none of them were involved with court or the police interviews. Please help. 2. How do I help my husband? He has refused contact with his father until now because he's so angry at him for violating his mother, wife, and most likely daughter (no proof of the daughter part but we strongly believe). My hubby is EXTREMELY stressed and snappy about it all. He is not communicating about it and even had a hard time discussing it with our almost 6 year old and me today (we just told her today). Please help!
Any and all comments are very welcome. Thanks in advance!
I am needing help to know how to handle my father in law. He's a sex addict and has been for years. He's also very manipulative and has a horrible temper when it comes to being caught (even accidently) or confronted (on anything). I personally don't have much of a problem with his sexual advances because I've made it clear to him it's unacceptable (it helps that my husband supports me on it), but many other females around do...including my close friend. In late April, my mother in law found a hidden camera in the women's restroom (single room) at the family business. My mother in law, myself, and a female secretary (the intended target) were the only ones found on any of the tapes. I personally don't believe my 5 year old who is there for lunch almost daily wasn't on the tapes and erased immediately (he has no problems with children porn or anything of the like), but there is no proof of her on the tapes. My husband and mother in law turned it over to the authorities in hopes that he would finally be required to get some help. He has had problems for years, but had never crossed the legal line (had multiple affairs/inappropriate relationships and severe online porn addiction). It looks like he will be required by the courts to go to mandated counseling among other things. There is a no contact order between him and my mother in law (and divorce pending) as well as between me and him. This is court ordered and not initiated by myself or my mother in law. The court order will time out when the court proceeding is completed...most likely by the end of the year.
So this is what I need to know...what do you recommend I do so I protect my children but don't alienate my husband's father? What steps does anyone recommend I ask him to do before he is allowed to have a relationship with my children again (keep in mind he was an active part of my children's life before April of this year)? Thanks in advance.
Ok, the time has come to meet with my father-in-law. The divorce between him and my mother-in-law is final and the court stuff was final in late October. My questions: 1. What recommendations does anyone have to help my almost 6 year old understand this and feel safe? Unfortunately, she knows all about what happened as she was involved with interviews with the police (while I was present of course). I have told her Papa has changed because he's addicted (I explained addiction as best I could to her) and not always "safe" to be around. I have told her Drs and therapists are helping him, but he can't be trusted right now. I told her we are going to see him tomorrow, that we would have lots of fun, but that she is to NEVER go anywhere without being in my or hubby's (her father) eyesight. Her cousins will also be there with their mothers (my hubby's sisters), but they have all seen Papa before and none of them were involved with court or the police interviews. Please help. 2. How do I help my husband? He has refused contact with his father until now because he's so angry at him for violating his mother, wife, and most likely daughter (no proof of the daughter part but we strongly believe). My hubby is EXTREMELY stressed and snappy about it all. He is not communicating about it and even had a hard time discussing it with our almost 6 year old and me today (we just told her today). Please help!
Any and all comments are very welcome. Thanks in advance!
First, I would support your husband. He is obviously torn up about all this. Let him talk if he wants to or not if he doesn't. Mention maybe some therapy to let him sort it out without you around. He'll ultimately have to decide how he wants to deal with this and it may be rough going for a while.
Second, I guess I'm surprised that you are going to let your six-year-old be around grandpa after all this. I don't know that she is old enough to really understand all that is going on and I think I would keep the distance between them until grandpa is doing better in terms of recovery, your daughter is older, and your husband has cooled down a little bit.
I guess what I'm saying is that this all sounds very fresh and raw for everyone. Maybe take a step back and let the dust settle and let people hit a safer place. I can understand why your husband wouldn't want *any* relationship with his father and I'm kind of surprised that you're OK with it. Why does it matter if you alienate your husband's father? He has behaved abominally and violated the trust of everyone and I personally wouldn't worry about alienating him. It should be on his shoulders to make the family trust him again, not vice versa.
What does your husband want out of all this? He's stressed and snappy, which makes me think he's not comfortable with it. If he wants to keep the "no-contact" thing going, you should consider it, just to keep your husband happy and your daughter safe. It has only been a few months since this all happened, give folks some time and make sure your husband is comfortable with everything, which it doesn't sound like he is.
Best wishes to you. It is a tough situation.
Getting a new job may be difficult in this economy, but you can get help through your local womens shelters, job centers and churches.
Doing this will give you some peace of mind that you won't be the target.
Remove yourself from the situation. Things like this should not happen period. They should not happen anywhere to anyone and not in a family business.
He is causing a lot of emotional damage to you that can not be healed in one day. Please do what you need to and start looking for away out. Don't worry about telling everyone else in your family what your plans are. Seek peace in finding your way out, once you've found it. Leave. Tell them then. It will probally be best this way.
Here if you need to talk.
Good luck.
Elle