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I have been remarried now for about 3-1/2 years. I have been happy for most of that time. My wife, however, has not. Apparently she stopped loving me about two years ago. She didn't communicate this with me. She tells me that she has been trying to love me again but the fire is out. I could feel this happening over the past few months as she has become more distant. This created a lot of anxiety and fear as the thought of losing another woman I love came crashing through my head. So my curiosity got the better of me and I checked her e-mail and found several e-mails to a former boyfriend. The content, for the most part was benign (how are you, what has happened in your life, etc). The thing that bothers me is that she didn't mention me except in a passing reference while gushing about memories about this guy and a former fiance. The kicker was an e-mail she didn't send where she reveals that she still has feelings for him but needs to tuck those feelings away until another time when she can let them out to play. That hurts me.
Then I find out that she has been texting this former fiance for several months. Many of his texts cross the line of friendship. I told her I don't want her texting him anymore. She said ok but I have no way of knowing if that's the truth.
She no longer loves me and hasn't for a long time. She has put a lot of thought into leaving me. Here's the rock: Do I stick it out and continue to love her with the hope that she chooses to stay with me and risk getting hurt if she leaves? Or the hard place: Start to let go now and disconnect emotionally to protect myself from being hurt and run the risk of not loving her any more and she decides to stay with me and I no longer want it.
As it stands now, I love her with all my heart and I am willing to do everything in my power to make it work ... but only if she wants it too. I've told her how I feel and what I want for our future and asked her if she wants that too and wants it with me. She said she'll need to think about it and let me know.
So here I sit between this rock and a hard place and not sure what to do while she makes up her mind. My heart tells me to stick it out. My mind tells me to leave. And my gut is all twisted in knots.
What would you do?
Then I find out that she has been texting this former fiance for several months. Many of his texts cross the line of friendship. I told her I don't want her texting him anymore. She said ok but I have no way of knowing if that's the truth.
She no longer loves me and hasn't for a long time. She has put a lot of thought into leaving me. Here's the rock: Do I stick it out and continue to love her with the hope that she chooses to stay with me and risk getting hurt if she leaves? Or the hard place: Start to let go now and disconnect emotionally to protect myself from being hurt and run the risk of not loving her any more and she decides to stay with me and I no longer want it.
As it stands now, I love her with all my heart and I am willing to do everything in my power to make it work ... but only if she wants it too. I've told her how I feel and what I want for our future and asked her if she wants that too and wants it with me. She said she'll need to think about it and let me know.
So here I sit between this rock and a hard place and not sure what to do while she makes up her mind. My heart tells me to stick it out. My mind tells me to leave. And my gut is all twisted in knots.
What would you do?
The two of you can try counseling but I know for me once the love and connection is gone, it's gone, there is no turning back. No amount of trying to get it back, working on the relationship or counseling, btdt with everything, we tried every avenue possible to get back what was lost but nothing was going to bring the love, bond and connection back. Love is an emotion that can't be made to happen, it's either there or it's not.
Can you stay in a relationship where you know the feelings aren't mutual? Can you stay knowing that she's unhappy in the relationship and is going to seek out other options? If you stay, how long can you put your life on hold waiting and hoping she'll change?
It's a tough situation to be in but you need to do what's best for you and what you feel will make you happy in the long fun.
If you haven't already, you might want to post this in Breakups & Divorce.
In the interim, you may want to check out "What is the 180 and how does it work" from http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp. This info comes from the author of Divorce Busting.
What I know is that in my marriage, I kept on fighting tooth and nail to try to keep the marriage together over a few years as she would pull away, come back, pull away, ad nauseum. If I had to do it over again, I would have ended it much earlier.
The lines of communication need to be worked on. They aren't completely broken and I know we can do better.
If not, then the lines of communication are not really open.
This doesn't really mean all that much, to be honest. People stay together for all kinds of reasons which have nothing to do with love. Not trying to be mean, I just don't want the simple fact that she hasnt left yet to give you too much hope.
A friend told me if you are getting more out of the relationship by staying in, then give it a shot. I think that is good advice. You will know when too much is too much.
Having said that, regarding the contact with the ex boyfriend. That would be a condition of mine to stay in the relationship no matter what I was getting out of the relationship. I am fine with her having friends in fact I think that is great and healthy. But when it crosses over that line, it is not good.
I think you asked the right question earlier. Find out if she wants in or wants out. If she wants back in, then it will still be a hard road, but you can do it. If she does not want back in and does not want to meet your condition of "no texting", then I would have to leave. Know it will suck and hurt, but it will get better.
I wish you the best of luck. Not an easy one for sure.
I would suggest the "180"..if you do it you might just get her to push along clearing out her "Foggy" mind sooner rather then later. I'm thinking she's in the lust phase right now with dreams & fantasies of the other man along with the "What If's". Nip this in the butt now or loose her forever.
Don't stick around to get used and abused, try the 180 and see if it changes her into feeling the panic of loosing you.
Wish you well.