Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Lately my relationship has been going smoothly, and not much has changed. I just think my perception of things have changed. I know I am no where near perfect, and am trying my best to self evaluate.
First off... before the main topic I want to say.. thanks
Recently it came to my attention I could analyze/ judge people pretty well, you know... understand them. The thing is I never envisioned myself and how I act on a constant basis. I mean generally I think I am a nice guy, but I feel that if I break it down further... there are many things I can work on, and grow from.
I appreciate everyone who has listened/ guided/ even talked to me on here... for it has helped very much. I might not of done everything exactly right, but I did take in all opinions.
It's weird.. because when I read other posts of people saying... oh we've been together for 6 months, we are madly in love, ect... I have a hard time believe it's true love. It might be some love.. but I think at 6 months people are still getting comfortable with one another. And then the real person slowly comes out.
I know this isnt 100% and everyone is different, just my opinion.
At times lately... I feel very foolish for every believing we could be together forever, and that I truly loved her. I still have great feelings for her, we don't really fight... and if we do there's no yelling.
The hard thing with me right now is, I feel that if some one doesn't want to be with you, love you... ect... You need to move on, and not waste your time, personally Im a believer that you can't make people love you. I do think there are things that effect feelings... but to an extent.
And... I am still immature..... as mature as I feel, and how much I think I know, and what not... the truth is I am still learning a lot.
What makes me sad is, this is the first relationship I found someone with many, many , many.... many freaking characteristics I want... I mean... On the outside of the car, she was everything I wanted metaphorically. Smart, cute, in shape, in school, working, down to earth, worker.
And I still do love all this, but the more I got to know her, the more the tiny flaws started building up... and drop by drop I feel like the bucket is almost full.
It's nothing major... no huge fights... but when.. you find out shes very messy, doesnt cook, procrastinates last minute with everything, very lazy cleaning(lets everything build up) in car and in apartment. Self image, I mean I get it... shes doing way more than me... work 20 hours plus full time school. I work 30 hours. But she has a lot of down time laying around.
So over this? break up with her? Well... I don't know... in the past she's said she didn't have as strong of feelings... but im doing my best to let that go.
The sex has change.
Deep down... I feel TERRIBLE, for even making this a subject, i dont think sex should be a factor... but in a way.. it means something to me.
and when were 23, 21... and go from 3 times a week... too barely... once every 2 weeks... close to 2-4 times a month if lucky... I start to wonder. She has told me she doesnt urge it.. doesnt really want it.. always says she doesnt know why. maybe its the pill she says.
i can believe her... its around when we started slowing down... but i dont know how much i can let that be fine. when she never hits on me, or makes a move on me... it kind of hurts. Ive addresed it before.
I mean i think she'd be an idiot to say "your bad or something"
So I wont even add.. that she says she loves it when we do actaully do it.
Ive had a few relationships... never ever had close to this problem.. its sad when single girls hit on me, or call me late (face book friends ect.. who I dont talk to much) seem to give me a better interest...
it just hurts at the end of the day.
and am I a bad person for my feelings changing, i dont know...
But I do know... ironically... that I don't know what I want right now.
And that I care for her, and still would love to make it work, but I see many red flags... and if she's already not into me after 10 months... thats scary.
Im her longest relationship.., shes 21. I dont blame her... if she doesnt want to be tied down, or wants to explore the world, live life ect...
but if she knows she doesnt want me like that... but doesnt want to be alone... i feel like i deserve to know that. but who would actaully come out and say it...
meh... this is why you dont let things build up... you ramble like this.
thanks everyone :)
First off... before the main topic I want to say.. thanks
Recently it came to my attention I could analyze/ judge people pretty well, you know... understand them. The thing is I never envisioned myself and how I act on a constant basis. I mean generally I think I am a nice guy, but I feel that if I break it down further... there are many things I can work on, and grow from.
I appreciate everyone who has listened/ guided/ even talked to me on here... for it has helped very much. I might not of done everything exactly right, but I did take in all opinions.
It's weird.. because when I read other posts of people saying... oh we've been together for 6 months, we are madly in love, ect... I have a hard time believe it's true love. It might be some love.. but I think at 6 months people are still getting comfortable with one another. And then the real person slowly comes out.
I know this isnt 100% and everyone is different, just my opinion.
At times lately... I feel very foolish for every believing we could be together forever, and that I truly loved her. I still have great feelings for her, we don't really fight... and if we do there's no yelling.
The hard thing with me right now is, I feel that if some one doesn't want to be with you, love you... ect... You need to move on, and not waste your time, personally Im a believer that you can't make people love you. I do think there are things that effect feelings... but to an extent.
And... I am still immature..... as mature as I feel, and how much I think I know, and what not... the truth is I am still learning a lot.
What makes me sad is, this is the first relationship I found someone with many, many , many.... many freaking characteristics I want... I mean... On the outside of the car, she was everything I wanted metaphorically. Smart, cute, in shape, in school, working, down to earth, worker.
And I still do love all this, but the more I got to know her, the more the tiny flaws started building up... and drop by drop I feel like the bucket is almost full.
It's nothing major... no huge fights... but when.. you find out shes very messy, doesnt cook, procrastinates last minute with everything, very lazy cleaning(lets everything build up) in car and in apartment. Self image, I mean I get it... shes doing way more than me... work 20 hours plus full time school. I work 30 hours. But she has a lot of down time laying around.
So over this? break up with her? Well... I don't know... in the past she's said she didn't have as strong of feelings... but im doing my best to let that go.
The sex has change.
Deep down... I feel TERRIBLE, for even making this a subject, i dont think sex should be a factor... but in a way.. it means something to me.
and when were 23, 21... and go from 3 times a week... too barely... once every 2 weeks... close to 2-4 times a month if lucky... I start to wonder. She has told me she doesnt urge it.. doesnt really want it.. always says she doesnt know why. maybe its the pill she says.
i can believe her... its around when we started slowing down... but i dont know how much i can let that be fine. when she never hits on me, or makes a move on me... it kind of hurts. Ive addresed it before.
I mean i think she'd be an idiot to say "your bad or something"
So I wont even add.. that she says she loves it when we do actaully do it.
Ive had a few relationships... never ever had close to this problem.. its sad when single girls hit on me, or call me late (face book friends ect.. who I dont talk to much) seem to give me a better interest...
it just hurts at the end of the day.
and am I a bad person for my feelings changing, i dont know...
But I do know... ironically... that I don't know what I want right now.
And that I care for her, and still would love to make it work, but I see many red flags... and if she's already not into me after 10 months... thats scary.
Im her longest relationship.., shes 21. I dont blame her... if she doesnt want to be tied down, or wants to explore the world, live life ect...
but if she knows she doesnt want me like that... but doesnt want to be alone... i feel like i deserve to know that. but who would actaully come out and say it...
meh... this is why you dont let things build up... you ramble like this.
thanks everyone :)
I read that you are very much in love with this person, but have some personal demons - and I hate to see you throw away something (the relationship) you speak so highly of based on lack of sex at the moment. Even she doesn't understand that her exhaustion is probably the reason for the low libido - as society has taught us all to be crankin' at full speed 24/7 so we can fulfill this or that expectation upon us while ignoring and neglecting the TRUE THINGS THAT SUSTAIN us - love, affection and all of that.
You are RIGHT to feel bad that you are not getting the sort of affection you need and I hope that you have humbly communicated that to her - but maybe(and you may have already done so) tell her that you understand her exhaustion but that you miss the intimacy with her. But, in long term relationships, there will be dry spells, ups and downs and sometimes you will "feel" you even hate your spouse. To me, you may feel something right now and you seem to be wanting to act on it - feelings can be deceiving and people can show their love in other ways. I think people give up too easily. I could have given up on my relationship and hubby could have too, many,many times - but we stuck together thru thick and thin and I am so happy to be married to a great person. We have our demons too, Shaun - all I am saying is if you throw in the towel so easily, you are going to miss out on the TRUE blessings of perseverance and growth with another person. Find God, for God is the universe. Buy a book of bible Psalms and Proverbs - poetry and wisdom from people in the bible who feel the exact same way as you do and have been thru alot too.
If you are helping and doing all of those things for her, then I commend you - you are making sacrifices for the relationship while she is carrying a heavy load. And at times, I bet she'd be the kind of woman who'd make the same for you - relationships take hard work, Shaun and you seem like a deep person, someone who longs to become better - ...I 'll leave you with a quote from the bible:
Romans 5: Suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character, hope and hope does not disappoint.
Your current growing pain of understanding a woman (you are in great company in a man's world) and her sexual facet is that suffering, but if you persevere in the relationship, you build character and character is what gives us hope because all of us, every one of us are ALWAYS growing and feel those pains.
Give it some more time. That's all. Sometimes our hearts DO change. My heart has changed over 23 years married to my husband so many times - sometimes we're only roommates, sometimes we're those "rabbits", sometimes we long to get out, but all in all - we've stuck together and grown and are really "one".
I just like to see people hang in there.
Please accept my apologies for the harshness - you hit a lot of raw nerves with me in your post - but I pray for the best for you - really.
I ended a LTR in my 20s. Had moved to another state to be with this man and spent a long time feeling like it wasn't quite right. After two and a half years, I finally broke up with him. It took a long, long time to heal and I wrestled with depression and insomnia through most of it.
Eventually, though, I met my husband and we've been married almost four years now. It does get better.
Yeah, right now it sucks and it hurts and the world is all gray colors outside ... but it will get better. You'll make it though and it'll be so much better on the other side.
Hang in there.
It's not the main factor. but yeah, she didn't cheat on me or anything but its hard.
Why am I losing sleep?
her schedule Me
Sun-9am-6pm(work) 1pm-9pm work
Mon-8am-1pm SCH 3-9 WRK off
tues-9am-2pmSCH 2pm-10pm work
wed- 9am-5pmSCH off
thurs-11am-8pm SCH 2-10pm work
fri-8am-10amSCH 11am-5pmWRK 2-10pm work
Sat- 11am-6pm WRK Off
I see her when we sleep, and days we do have off together she is either out with her family or doing work.
You can say I'm being greedy, but SHe is 100% worried about her future, shouldn't I be worried about mine?
I spend all my money to keep up with bills, have no bank account, No car, and take the taxi to work when my girl can't take me. That's $15 a pop to make a gross of 75$.
I can't save up, I've tried. If I move back with my father for ever 3-4 months... I can buy myself a car.
I asked her to give me 2-3 months and I'd pay her back if she would allow that. She said yes, and things would of been good.
Until I found out she was looking for new apartments, and trying to move in with some friends without telling me. This hurt my heart, and trust. She told me she was fine with it... Then she switched her story when I confronted her, and said she was scared, and wasn't sure. But when would she tell me, while she's packing?
Also, she inhereted $500,000, so I know she wouldn't get ivicted, or stress. But at the same time I wasn't asking her to give me money.
I hope you realize, we sat down at my fathers, and I said Im moving back home. And I gave her the choice, to stay together, and take it slow for a few months. Or to just call it quits for now. And I LOVE HER, but she said... Shaun, maybe you are right, maybe I don't know what I want, maybe we should be friends.
I don't have it in me to beg anymore... Ive cried enough over fking women who I feel don't love me. So yes, even though she teared, I said okay, and let her walk out.
How do you think I feel knowing that when it comes to the money, if I wasn't paying she was out.
Or if I move back home, it was over? It makes me feel like deep down, she wanted me around for cooked meals, laundry, keeping her warm at night, and rent.
When I wanted to just go to the movies, and hang out, thats all I wanted, not a single penny.
I get where you are coming from, I think a lot of people are scum bags, but since a very young age, all ive wanted was someone to want me, to come home, and jump in my arms and give me a hug, and be happy to see me.
When she told me she isn't too into me anymore, and when she aborted our kid and said she feels I like her... here, and she likes me there... It killed inside.
Meaning I love her, 95 out of 100.. and shes at 80 out of 100. She insist it was growing, but come the fk on... Shes 21 and Im her longest relationship.
I feel.... if we have any chance... I needed to let her go, to date others, and maybe realize... she either Loved me better, or didn't.... I havent told my parents, I dont want to... they were soo happy for me.
I needed to vent. Also... she had 1 old love in her past... which makes me believe shes imature. She loved someone she never dated... just an old friend.
(Too me... this is lust, and high school love)
But yes.. she loved this guy.. who gave her mixed signals, and tried to get with her best friend. And until this day.. she goes on his facebook almost every day.
Facebook stalker in my eyes... must be hoping he will change or something.. and randomly want her... Makes me sick she sleeps with me, and thinks of him.
shit hurts...
Shit hurts too mcuh...
good song..
love sucks ass... well... love stinks,
This is giving me a lot of strength and energy. I would of never expected to be able to end a meaning ful relationship and not suffer and spiral into a depression like before.
I guess it's true, you live and learn... don't make the same mistakes twice.
Dude you are preaching to the choir here except it's the other way around with me. My man doesn't want sex and I have to practicaly beg him and do ALL the initiating! It sucks, it hurts, and it's getting very old.
Because of this I will never deny another man again as long as I am physically able (and not sick or something).
Sex is VERY important in a relationship, I don't care what anyone says. Intimacy is where it's at!