Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Lately my relationship has been going smoothly, and not much has changed. I just think my perception of things have changed. I know I am no where near perfect, and am trying my best to self evaluate.
First off... before the main topic I want to say.. thanks
Recently it came to my attention I could analyze/ judge people pretty well, you know... understand them. The thing is I never envisioned myself and how I act on a constant basis. I mean generally I think I am a nice guy, but I feel that if I break it down further... there are many things I can work on, and grow from.
I appreciate everyone who has listened/ guided/ even talked to me on here... for it has helped very much. I might not of done everything exactly right, but I did take in all opinions.
It's weird.. because when I read other posts of people saying... oh we've been together for 6 months, we are madly in love, ect... I have a hard time believe it's true love. It might be some love.. but I think at 6 months people are still getting comfortable with one another. And then the real person slowly comes out.
I know this isnt 100% and everyone is different, just my opinion.
At times lately... I feel very foolish for every believing we could be together forever, and that I truly loved her. I still have great feelings for her, we don't really fight... and if we do there's no yelling.
The hard thing with me right now is, I feel that if some one doesn't want to be with you, love you... ect... You need to move on, and not waste your time, personally Im a believer that you can't make people love you. I do think there are things that effect feelings... but to an extent.
And... I am still immature..... as mature as I feel, and how much I think I know, and what not... the truth is I am still learning a lot.
What makes me sad is, this is the first relationship I found someone with many, many , many.... many freaking characteristics I want... I mean... On the outside of the car, she was everything I wanted metaphorically. Smart, cute, in shape, in school, working, down to earth, worker.
And I still do love all this, but the more I got to know her, the more the tiny flaws started building up... and drop by drop I feel like the bucket is almost full.
It's nothing major... no huge fights... but when.. you find out shes very messy, doesnt cook, procrastinates last minute with everything, very lazy cleaning(lets everything build up) in car and in apartment. Self image, I mean I get it... shes doing way more than me... work 20 hours plus full time school. I work 30 hours. But she has a lot of down time laying around.
So over this? break up with her? Well... I don't know... in the past she's said she didn't have as strong of feelings... but im doing my best to let that go.
The sex has change.
Deep down... I feel TERRIBLE, for even making this a subject, i dont think sex should be a factor... but in a way.. it means something to me.
and when were 23, 21... and go from 3 times a week... too barely... once every 2 weeks... close to 2-4 times a month if lucky... I start to wonder. She has told me she doesnt urge it.. doesnt really want it.. always says she doesnt know why. maybe its the pill she says.
i can believe her... its around when we started slowing down... but i dont know how much i can let that be fine. when she never hits on me, or makes a move on me... it kind of hurts. Ive addresed it before.
I mean i think she'd be an idiot to say "your bad or something"
So I wont even add.. that she says she loves it when we do actaully do it.
Ive had a few relationships... never ever had close to this problem.. its sad when single girls hit on me, or call me late (face book friends ect.. who I dont talk to much) seem to give me a better interest...
it just hurts at the end of the day.
and am I a bad person for my feelings changing, i dont know...
But I do know... ironically... that I don't know what I want right now.
And that I care for her, and still would love to make it work, but I see many red flags... and if she's already not into me after 10 months... thats scary.
Im her longest relationship.., shes 21. I dont blame her... if she doesnt want to be tied down, or wants to explore the world, live life ect...
but if she knows she doesnt want me like that... but doesnt want to be alone... i feel like i deserve to know that. but who would actaully come out and say it...
meh... this is why you dont let things build up... you ramble like this.
thanks everyone :)
First off... before the main topic I want to say.. thanks
Recently it came to my attention I could analyze/ judge people pretty well, you know... understand them. The thing is I never envisioned myself and how I act on a constant basis. I mean generally I think I am a nice guy, but I feel that if I break it down further... there are many things I can work on, and grow from.
I appreciate everyone who has listened/ guided/ even talked to me on here... for it has helped very much. I might not of done everything exactly right, but I did take in all opinions.
It's weird.. because when I read other posts of people saying... oh we've been together for 6 months, we are madly in love, ect... I have a hard time believe it's true love. It might be some love.. but I think at 6 months people are still getting comfortable with one another. And then the real person slowly comes out.
I know this isnt 100% and everyone is different, just my opinion.
At times lately... I feel very foolish for every believing we could be together forever, and that I truly loved her. I still have great feelings for her, we don't really fight... and if we do there's no yelling.
The hard thing with me right now is, I feel that if some one doesn't want to be with you, love you... ect... You need to move on, and not waste your time, personally Im a believer that you can't make people love you. I do think there are things that effect feelings... but to an extent.
And... I am still immature..... as mature as I feel, and how much I think I know, and what not... the truth is I am still learning a lot.
What makes me sad is, this is the first relationship I found someone with many, many , many.... many freaking characteristics I want... I mean... On the outside of the car, she was everything I wanted metaphorically. Smart, cute, in shape, in school, working, down to earth, worker.
And I still do love all this, but the more I got to know her, the more the tiny flaws started building up... and drop by drop I feel like the bucket is almost full.
It's nothing major... no huge fights... but when.. you find out shes very messy, doesnt cook, procrastinates last minute with everything, very lazy cleaning(lets everything build up) in car and in apartment. Self image, I mean I get it... shes doing way more than me... work 20 hours plus full time school. I work 30 hours. But she has a lot of down time laying around.
So over this? break up with her? Well... I don't know... in the past she's said she didn't have as strong of feelings... but im doing my best to let that go.
The sex has change.
Deep down... I feel TERRIBLE, for even making this a subject, i dont think sex should be a factor... but in a way.. it means something to me.
and when were 23, 21... and go from 3 times a week... too barely... once every 2 weeks... close to 2-4 times a month if lucky... I start to wonder. She has told me she doesnt urge it.. doesnt really want it.. always says she doesnt know why. maybe its the pill she says.
i can believe her... its around when we started slowing down... but i dont know how much i can let that be fine. when she never hits on me, or makes a move on me... it kind of hurts. Ive addresed it before.
I mean i think she'd be an idiot to say "your bad or something"
So I wont even add.. that she says she loves it when we do actaully do it.
Ive had a few relationships... never ever had close to this problem.. its sad when single girls hit on me, or call me late (face book friends ect.. who I dont talk to much) seem to give me a better interest...
it just hurts at the end of the day.
and am I a bad person for my feelings changing, i dont know...
But I do know... ironically... that I don't know what I want right now.
And that I care for her, and still would love to make it work, but I see many red flags... and if she's already not into me after 10 months... thats scary.
Im her longest relationship.., shes 21. I dont blame her... if she doesnt want to be tied down, or wants to explore the world, live life ect...
but if she knows she doesnt want me like that... but doesnt want to be alone... i feel like i deserve to know that. but who would actaully come out and say it...
meh... this is why you dont let things build up... you ramble like this.
thanks everyone :)
or you might want to take a sheet of paper out, list the pro's and con's of the relationship and make some logical deduction from them. And once that's done go back to your gut instinct, and see if you get the same results. Good luck.
I feel better about myself and can accept things... and not dwell on them. It's been hard, and I am afraid about the future, but who isn't... So I am working hard at it.
The things that suck my energy and make me want to be depressed.. I try to use that as my energy/ motivation... for change. although I am scared to death about change.
thanks again.. really a confidence boost to hear that I am at least doing something right.
you too tossedaside, appreciate the comment. And yes... my instincts have been telling me this for a while, but feelings always get in the way -_-
A lot of times, you just have a feeling deep in your gut that it isn't working. It isn't clicking quite right and you're having to work too hard to feel comfortable and content. On some level, you know it isn't working out quite right, but on another level, you keep hoping it'll turn around and be exactly the relationship you've dreamed of.
This "not-quite-right" relationship can drain the life out of you if you put up with it long enough. Sometimes, two people just aren't gonna work together and it isn't anyone's fault. It just is.
Cut your losses.
thanks again for input everyone... maybe Im not too crazy.... semi crazy.. working on it
OF COURSE... OF COURSE... I LEFT THIS UP ON MY computer on accident... and this isn't me venting.
It is me telling the world my girlfriends flaws... strictly that...
I feel like I am losing my mind. It is like telling someone the grass is green.... and they reply... no.... your grass is crappy...
two different langauges...
I just reread everything 3 times... I am 100% positive I did not want her seeing this.... no plot or scheme... I mean Ive told her how I felt...
All she sees out of this is shaun hating her, and pointing out to the world all her flaws and yelling at her.
Maybe im the blind one. dont you guys love drama? naklgnasjklgdgassjngfjfgh
Hang in there, kid!
Listen to your inner voice...your gut and intution...be brave enough to make the tough choice and you might avoid a world of hurt for yourself. You also avoid passing up someone who mught actually be a good partner for you.
I knnew deep down.. if I left the apartment, bills... ect... she'd leave me sooner or later.
Lifes a fking bitch.
Struggling pretty fking bad right now... and Im still in 6 hour shock... trying to not think about anything, I am very close to dwelling into a self pity party.....
close to a year of a beautiful woman sleeping in my bed, next to me, hours per day.... every day.... and now Im back to my dads.
I guess I am asking for ppls support? I am a very emotional person... which is such a fking flaw... and i hate how I react to things.
I just need to stay out of my head... what is my bread and butter the last 3 years.... depression.
On the plus side... only 2 beers at the bar... and thankfully didnt start smoking after quiting for 3 weeks...
It was very tempting.. i had to leave =//
gtjasklgjaklmdf;lasm;lgfmal;gma
im sorry for the drama... ill hate myself in the morning
Decisions we know in our hearts to be right are often the most painful to make. In the end, it's not whther you fall, it's whether you get up.
Continue to be good to yourself and think about all the good things you have to concentrate on now...making your way at your Dad's, helping him out and healing and learning more about yourself.
These things come to our lives from the universe as gifts, it really becomes a matter of whether we are open to the lessons and learning they present us. Are you?
I wish you moments of peace today.
She is EXHAUSTED, that's why the low sex drive. You admit she does more than you - so why don't YOU get off the internet and quit whining about her and start helping pick up the slack around the house - even offer to clean her car for her letting her know YOU KNOW how hard she is working - guess what? You'll get ALL THE SEX YOU WANT if you be a MAN and CONSIDER her needs above yours.
With women, foreplay starts with you taking out the garbage or helping a little bit around the house when you understand and CONSIDER that she is EXHAUSTED.
That she works, is bettering her self in education, takes care of her physical and emotional health are CHARACTER attributes that are GOOD for LONG TERM relationships dude. This situation is temporary until she finishes school.
Your "gut" is being selfish and inconsiderate and setting you up for many, many failed relationships in the future. So far, from what I read is you want Ms. Perfect looking woman, then work and go to school, stay fit AND clean the house while I do less than you - are you SERIOUS???????????????????
I wouldn't have sex with you either as I would not respect a man or even consider him a man who cries on the internet about what seems like a very together woman when there is a house to clean all around him and he's trying to figure out if he should take his ball and go home to daddy -(WHAT? you can't even support yourself?...you are an ADULT....least you are doing ADULT things like having sex)...ewe.
Sorry, no sympathy from me.
Not feeling the attitude, and the fact you think you know my whole situation. Next time, instead of running your mouth, why not ask .. "Hey shaun, you say she does more than you, do you try to help her out?
And then I would say, yes setmefree.. I do much more than you must think. I don't have to prove myself to anyone hun, but hell if Im going to let you mark me as a sex hungry fiend. When All I want is for my girl to be attracted to me and want me, here and there. It's hurtful when Your girlfriend says straight up, she doesn't have urges to have sex anymore. At all...
so yeah, get off the couch huh, clean her car huh?
That's her job. Her car, her job. But let me tell you what, I am our cook. I cook full meals 2-3 times a day, breakfast, lunch, dinner. full course meals, I do all the laundry, both of our laundry. When I work at budget rental car, and she lets me use her car. I detail it while at work.
I don't have to prove myself, but... the fact I believe you look at me as a whiny kid about sex. annoys me.
I don't need sex, but I do need some physical effection. And once again, her saying... " I dont know what it is, maybe its birth control. but i dont want to do it ever. I like it when we do it, and I feel bad. but its not the same'
I spent every penny I owned.. to be with this woman, who I cook, and bust my ass for... and she doesnt show me affection. I feel like a used bastard who someone is taking advantage of free meals, i buy food and pay half the bills.
So yes... she does go to school full time, and work 20 hours. So she does more in that sense, but I work 32 hours and contribute in any ways I can. Im not perfect.... but Im far from a scum bag
thank you sylph for the support. I am taking such a huge step in my eyes. I feel like every year my maturity changes, and I get stronger every year, and learn every day. And as much as I have learned, I know that I know barely anything.
I am learning soo much about myself, and what I truly want and need to make me happy. I just hope I can continue to have the curage and strength... hell and wisdom, guidance... to continue to grow. and figure out what I want in my life, and in someone.. and to learn my purpose.
thanks again, it means a lot.