Why do you agree to pay for everything?

I wondered what rmb asked and why isn't he working??

Enabling someone to avoid maturing isn’t helping like you may think it is. He won’t grow until he takes responsibility for himself and his son. I’m sure you must know this but are stuck in a limbo state. May you summon the strength to break out.

Please do not marry him. If you do not only will you invite his debt, but your tax returns and bank accounts will be subject to paying his hold support should the payments ever be late or missed, etc.

There are so many benefits for single mothers. You can get financial assistance with child care, you can get grants for education, monetary help with living and food. All that goes away the second be you marry and then you are liable for his stupid money mistakes.

You said so yourself, you're unhappy and he doesn't contribute.

Agree. Do not marry him, even if he says all the right things, because I promise you none of these issues gets better with marriage. They just get worse. If he's unable to work or contribute because he's severely disabled or something, that's different. But I suspect that's not the issue.

Loving him isn't even relevant in this situation. I'm sure you do love him. But you have to love yourself more. If not, you'll always be taken advantage of, financially, emotionally, etc.

I grew up in a family where my mom had to bust her butt for us to have food, clothing, roof over our head's etc, while my dad contributed basically NOTHING. Kids see and hear everything even when the parents think their kids don't. They pick up on all that. Trust me on this. Kids seeing their mothers struggle is very hard on them. So try to think beyond love for your boyfriend. I can appreciate wanting to create a family and doing whatever you can to make it happen, but it shouldn't be at the expense of your self worth and dignity.

I am thinking that the fact that he was your first real boyfriend, plus the fact that you two now share a precious baby girl does hold him close to your heart. The thing is, (from previous posts) the fact is he has been disrespectful and irresponsible for some time. As the others said before me. enabling and allowing him to continue will assure he will never mature and take on responsibility. HE is not your responsibility (nor is the financial aspect of caring for his first child) And as the others said, this will doubtfully change anytime soon (especially if he doesn't even see a problem)

You have accomplished so very much... becoming an RN, having and raising that beautiful baby girl, working hard and trying to nurture and provide for your "family". It does sound like you are being taken advantage of and not appreciated though. YOU (as well as all of us) deserve better. In a relationship two people should work TOGETHER, sharing not only expenses but responsibilities (both WANTING to work together to make a better, happier life for you all) Also, just thinking ahead... what will your daughter see and come to think is ok? (Seeing Mommy sad and working hard while Daddy sits on his ass or hops from job to job... ridiculing or discounting her feelings? )

As I examined our dysfunctional family background, I would discover that from my grandmothers up to my sister, cousins and myself... all would settle … giving all for spouses, kids and anyone in need but seldom getting much back. Often discounted, unappreciated and taken advantage of, but so grateful for any small token of affection and making the most of every little thing. You see, what we see them put up with is what we think is expected or "normal" Our spouses do contribute financially, but (as was usually the case back then) they felt that was all they need do and their ."job" stopped there . In almost all instances there was no physical abuse, but verbal and emotional was another story.

I am currently doing similar to you... being forced to take on most of the work and responsibility. My stbx is disabled and home 24/7. I am working full time and coming home exhausted and expected to wait on him hand and foot... as well as laundry, cleaning.... He is capable of helping, but always has an excuse. As a result, I have grown so resentful and sometimes angry while he is perfectly content. He is very much against the divorce (but because he will no longer have someone to share expenses and do everything) I struggle daily with am I doing the right thing... I would hate for you to have to go through the same thing.

Bare in mind there are men out there who truly want someone special and to have and raise a family. I am not saying if you do finally have the courage to tell him to go you will be searching right away. Just letting you know you and your daughter ( both healthy and content) can surely look toward a brighter future.

PS May help if you try to make a little time for yourself or to do something you enjoy. (My mom did lose all sense of herself. Her entire life was Dad and us kids. ) You deserve better. Hugs.

I had to think about why I was attracted to someone who was not a giver, not nice, and didn't have my back. We choose people to be in our lives and sometimes we choose because we think we can be in control of them. But it never works, we can only control ourselves and little children. I realized my first spouse was someone who "wanted me" and I thought that was good and love. I didn't realize it was control over me. So what about this guy makes you want to be in relationship with him. What need within you does he serve? Once you figure this out, untangling this mess will be easier. Once we understand ourselves better, we can figure out how to move forward.

Ugh... the fact that you are paying his child support is a very bad sign.. he should be encouraging you to save your money for your child and your education... not helping him take care of his responsibility.
Why is he not taking care of it himself ?
Hugs

That’s not a partnership...I did the same with my ex....he wants to be mothered and that’s what you’re doing....very unfair to you, he needs to step up or it might be time for you to step out. First love is tough to let go of, but you need best love & this isn’t it

I just feel so stuck!

Why?

Drives me crazy when I see women paying their man's child support.

When my girlfriend and I got together I was changing jobs and she told me that if I didn't want to work she would pay my bills and child support for me.

I told her that it was a nice offer but they are my kids. She didn't make them, I did. I take pride in the fact that I go to work and I earn money so that my kids can have nice things on top of what I spend on them when they are with me.

Bottom line is that you should not be paying his bills. Especially his child support. It's not ok that he allowing you to do that.

If he isn't working, then he should be. If not for you than for his kids and his own self respect.

Best of luck to you guys. Hope it works out in your favor.

We teach people how to treat us. He's been given permission to do this. So really it doesn't come down to him being a jerk or lazy or whatever. Maybe he his or maybe he isn't. What it comes down to is why you are giving him permission to live this way and why you think you're responsible for him. That's about you, not him.

If he's ever going to change, it will be because you change. Otherwise, what's the incentive for him to change? You've already shown him it's ok by allowing it. How do you feel stuck when you hold all the cards? You're the one in position of power in this relationship. I know it's hard when you care about someone but you're enabling him and also teaching your child warped ideas about relationships and responsibility. That is not cool.

I'm not trying to be a jerk here, just giving a little tough love because you seem like you're doing great for yourself and child otherwise and so it's really hard to see a bright, beautiful person not value herself. You have to decide how you want to be treated. If this works for you, great. But it doesn't sound like it's working for you, and if that's the case, time to get a back bone and take control. If you have good friends, family, coworkers etc they'll help support you so you can change things for the better. We are pulling for you but you gotta pull along too.

@FirstTime, it seems to me that you have forgotten to love yourself :( It's okay to work hard and do everything you need to do to help yourself and your child, but not to the point where you're enabling someone to take advantage of you. If you believe that this is helping your family, it is not. It is actually creating more issues in the future. The longer you allow him to not step up and be the provider and father he needs to be for your child, the more your child will see that this is normal and can create a bad example to your child's development and view of life. You are worth more than you think you are in this world and most especially to your child. Your child needs you to stand strong. Whether you face life as a single mom or not, you need to learn to love yourself, so that you can give more love to your child and others with joy and not out of a discouraged heart. I encourage you to make an effort to develop some close relationships or build a network of connections with caring women in your neighborhood and community that will help you navigate this single mom life. Know that there's more to life than just grinding yourself to death thinking that there's no other way out. I know that this is easier said than done, but you have to take the step to make a difference or you will surely keep yourself stuck. It is up to you to make a change. You always a have choice. Avoid repeating negative and discouraging words to yourself that will keep you from making a move, that is the enemy pulling you down. It is normal to fear the unknown, but whether you believe in God or not, I can assure you that He will carry you through. Remember that it is your job as a parent to lead; your child will follow the example of your attitude and choices in life, so lead with integrity, laying down any inclination toward bitterness, learning to live with love and a positive outlook because you child will need you to parent him/her from your fullness, not from a bitter emptiness. There will definitely be hard days, but you are responsible to your child to pursue spiritual and emotional healing for yourself - this will help him grow knowing that it is possible to overcome adversities and rise to the occasion. I will be thinking and praying for you. You got this, mama!