Healthy Relationships Support Group
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sO I've posted on here a few times, always get some advice that i don't take right away, but does seep in. Last anyone had heard my ex and I had broken up but I was still sleeping with her. Surprise, surprise, she turned out pregnant. Now please don't jump the gun on this, it's a long story which i'll lay out.
In late February we started getting close again and it felt like when we were first dating. I figured it would not last long since there's always a honeymoon stage. By the beginning of March we were both still dating other people, but then she asked me to make it exclusive for both of us (as in neither of us dates or does anything with anyone else [her words exactly]) but NOT A RELATIONSHIP. I was honestly too focused on work and getting things going for my move to Kingston so I really didn't have time for dating anyone else anyways, it wouldn't have lasted since I was going to be moving away in June so I agreed. To me it was free sex and I didn't have to worry about the risk that "who is she sleeping with?" if it was exclusive. Unfortunately I didn't take into account that I might develop some emotional attachments again. I was hit with a huge reality check when while I was in Kingston doing some apartment hunting she ended up getting drunk and making out with a close friend of mine. Now I'll jump to that issue in a moment. I found I was pretty hurt by this, partially because here she was putting a limit on me about being exclusive but not sticking to her end of the bargain on it. When I got home we had a three day discussion and it concluded in I was obviously still in love with her. I told her I was finished there, it was either she was with me in a relationship or I needed to be gone from her life entirely. Her first response was that she wanted to be with me, but I didn't trust it and said I was going to distance myself for a week or two and she could get back to me then. That very weekend I was hanging out with the friend she made out with and he told me that she hadn't hung out with him in the past while because she wanted me back and felt that not being around him would be the best way to go around that. A week and a half later I spoke with her and she said she still wanted to be with me. So I took her back. That was mostly to just address the situation as we didn't just get back together for the sake of her being pregnant. We found out actually a week later that she'd been pregnant since a week before we broke up.
My issue is we decided at the beginning of April to move in together. I've put my plans of moving on hold because she gets maternity leave with her job here and I'd rather have that then worry about having to fight for support from the government. We found a place and are moving in on the first of June. It seems the moment we got back together things shifted back to the way they were. She makes me feel incompetent. At first it was small things and I chalked it up to hormones, but it's grown. On Tuesday I was supposed to meet her and her friend to go to the movies. We had agreed to meet at 7, but I told her I would be up for awhile and I'd probably have a nap, so if I wasn't there at 7:05 then to go on ahead with the movie as planned cause I probably overslept. She did that, but then got a bit angry that I didn't meet up with her. I ended up spending my only day off this week with her in order to make up for it and took her out to dinner. We had a great day together. Then i made plans for this upcoming Tuesday to go to the movies with some friends from out of town. She got angry with me because I can meet up with them, but obviously I "can't get up when your girlfriend wants to go to a movie". It's things like this that happen with a good amount of frequency. I understand that now and then I make mistakes, but truly, I don't think I've made any tremendous mistakes.
In late February we started getting close again and it felt like when we were first dating. I figured it would not last long since there's always a honeymoon stage. By the beginning of March we were both still dating other people, but then she asked me to make it exclusive for both of us (as in neither of us dates or does anything with anyone else [her words exactly]) but NOT A RELATIONSHIP. I was honestly too focused on work and getting things going for my move to Kingston so I really didn't have time for dating anyone else anyways, it wouldn't have lasted since I was going to be moving away in June so I agreed. To me it was free sex and I didn't have to worry about the risk that "who is she sleeping with?" if it was exclusive. Unfortunately I didn't take into account that I might develop some emotional attachments again. I was hit with a huge reality check when while I was in Kingston doing some apartment hunting she ended up getting drunk and making out with a close friend of mine. Now I'll jump to that issue in a moment. I found I was pretty hurt by this, partially because here she was putting a limit on me about being exclusive but not sticking to her end of the bargain on it. When I got home we had a three day discussion and it concluded in I was obviously still in love with her. I told her I was finished there, it was either she was with me in a relationship or I needed to be gone from her life entirely. Her first response was that she wanted to be with me, but I didn't trust it and said I was going to distance myself for a week or two and she could get back to me then. That very weekend I was hanging out with the friend she made out with and he told me that she hadn't hung out with him in the past while because she wanted me back and felt that not being around him would be the best way to go around that. A week and a half later I spoke with her and she said she still wanted to be with me. So I took her back. That was mostly to just address the situation as we didn't just get back together for the sake of her being pregnant. We found out actually a week later that she'd been pregnant since a week before we broke up.
My issue is we decided at the beginning of April to move in together. I've put my plans of moving on hold because she gets maternity leave with her job here and I'd rather have that then worry about having to fight for support from the government. We found a place and are moving in on the first of June. It seems the moment we got back together things shifted back to the way they were. She makes me feel incompetent. At first it was small things and I chalked it up to hormones, but it's grown. On Tuesday I was supposed to meet her and her friend to go to the movies. We had agreed to meet at 7, but I told her I would be up for awhile and I'd probably have a nap, so if I wasn't there at 7:05 then to go on ahead with the movie as planned cause I probably overslept. She did that, but then got a bit angry that I didn't meet up with her. I ended up spending my only day off this week with her in order to make up for it and took her out to dinner. We had a great day together. Then i made plans for this upcoming Tuesday to go to the movies with some friends from out of town. She got angry with me because I can meet up with them, but obviously I "can't get up when your girlfriend wants to go to a movie". It's things like this that happen with a good amount of frequency. I understand that now and then I make mistakes, but truly, I don't think I've made any tremendous mistakes.
I think you both need guidance and need to work out issues with each other as well as your own issues and feelings in order to determine if this relationship can move forward. Best wishes to you.
That baby is going to be with you for the rest of your life, as long as you stay an active parent. And I'm sure that paying child support is alot better then damaging the mental health of your kid by staying with someone in an unhealthy relationship. The one who pays most for the sins of the parent is the child. My grandma told me that, and though she spends most of her time spouting bible crap at me and me tuning it out, that one strikes true.
As far as the relationship goes, it's no surprise. A pregnancy is not going to miraculously change the way two people interact with each other.
Because of this odd friends with benefits situation between the two of you I'm with KB, you might want to make sure this baby is yours. She didn't have a problem using you in the past so she may be doing the same looking for a father for her child.
BTW, did you say something to this friend who made out with your GF? That's pretty low.
To jolene, I wouldn`t be paying child support. I would take custody, she`s not financially stable (which is where I`m paying off the debts), and she`s got a record for possession and one battery (long story). I have no doubt in my mind that since I`m back on my feet and have never been convicted of a crime (never even served detention in school), I`d walk away with full custody if I sought it.
To KB and Goldfish, the timing matches up to the week we started the friends with benefits situation. I'm dead certain it's mine since I know how she is with sex. Christian, the friend she made out with, is close friends with a few mutual friends and his "friend with benefits" checked into it, and know when she lies. I also spoke with him the weekend following the make out and I'm certain nothing more then that one night came out of it. Though believe me, when i found out I questioned it alot and did alot of digging.
My sister was a crack addict, her children were mentally, physically, and sexually abused...and it took us 4 years for the kids to be removed. Possession and assault and financial situation are really nothing in the long run.
So just be ready to pay support, because the chances of custody are extremley slim. If you win custody, good for you, but she will also have some rights, no matter what, you will never be completley out of her life if this child is yours.
I hope things work out - especially for the little soul who has yet to be born.
The 2nd reason is almost more important. This woman hasn't exactly treated you well in the past. Giving her the message you have a "trust, but verify" attitude will make her see you aren't fooling around anymore. She will definitely balk at the idea but in the end I bet it gives her more respect for you.
To Goldfish, I've thought about it a few times, but the fact is I just don't want to know. I had another child with a friend of mine when I was 15, the friend took off to god knows where a few months before the baby was born and I spent two years trying to track her down. It wasn't until last year that I found out through a friend she's been living in Alberta for about a year and a half with her husband of three years (she's been with the guy for nearly 7 years). I had my chance to get that one back, but I really can't take a child who's been raised knowing some other guy as a dad and tearing away the only family she's ever known. Besides as fiancially stable as i am, he can afford all the finer things in life. So I let that one slip away, it would kill me if I found out this one wasn't mine. I really don't know how I'd survive that since I've already invested so much time, care and money into it.
I honestly appreciate the comments and advice, not trying to be too defensive, just putting my stance up.
I do however have one more point that you may care to consider? You talk at length about not wanting to know for sure about the paternity because you lost another child that may have also been yours. All very understandable...
...BUT ( don't you just hate that word sometimes??) neither of these babies - born and yet-to-be-born, will remain as babies for ever. One day they will want to know the truth..indeed, they deserve the truth. You could be storing up a whole lot of trouble for them and any relationship you may have with them by refusing to find out. Surely a life based on truthfulness is better than secrets and lies? The truth will out one day!
Think about it...
( I don't know about the USA - but in many countries the paternity needs to be confirmed if there is a custody case. )