Healthy Relationships Support Group
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If you've read my introduction post in this group you should hopefully have an idea of where I am coming from and what I'm seeking in this post.
One of the common fears and themes in my dissociative states involves the prospect of needing to explain my condition to my SO (whoever that ends up being) when I eventually start dating again.
I don't want to have to try to keep my condition a secret from her and have her feel like I'm not interested in her, or that I'm ignoring her, etc. However, I also fear what a woman would say/do if I reveal the details of my condition to her. It is this fear that many of my dissociative states have centered on (partly since the last time I tried explaining it to someone I was dating it didn't go well).
Since I'm guessing plenty of members of this group may not be familiar with the type of dissociative state I am talking about I'll try to describe it real briefly here. When these states occur I am sucked into what is essentially an emotionally painful "flashback" of something that has never actually happened, albeit some elements of them can come from experiences that actually did happen. The experiences during these episodes can range from mildly unpleasant to hellish.
These states can come and go with little or no warning, but can be triggered by things that remind me of traumatic or unpleasant experiences. They also vary in how debilitating (for lack of a better word) they are, meaning during some I may be less responsive to outside stimuli than during others. Typically during these states I remain aware of what is going on around me well enough to function relatively normally (i.e.: can still operate a vehicle), just with these internal scenarios playing out in my head (or back of my mind if I really try to focus on important tasks like driving) like a painful memory . During worse episodes I may come out of these states mumbling things like "no" or "stop" to myself and feel a bit dazed. However, in all of these states I tend to be less responsive to some degree and have what others might call a "thousand yard stare".
Anyways, what I want to know right now is when and how a man could explain having a condition like this to the woman he is dating without scaring her off by looking like he's nothing but broken goods, has too much baggage or like he is some scary/dangerous person who might snap.
I would also like to know how a guy could do this without the woman then attacking or abusing him.
I know I am a long ways off from actually starting to date again. However, I am hoping that if I learn healthy/positive ways a guy could handle these types of scenarios with everything working out fine instead of ending disastrously I can try to use that knowledge to pull myself out of some of my flashbacks and dissociative states.
One of the common fears and themes in my dissociative states involves the prospect of needing to explain my condition to my SO (whoever that ends up being) when I eventually start dating again.
I don't want to have to try to keep my condition a secret from her and have her feel like I'm not interested in her, or that I'm ignoring her, etc. However, I also fear what a woman would say/do if I reveal the details of my condition to her. It is this fear that many of my dissociative states have centered on (partly since the last time I tried explaining it to someone I was dating it didn't go well).
Since I'm guessing plenty of members of this group may not be familiar with the type of dissociative state I am talking about I'll try to describe it real briefly here. When these states occur I am sucked into what is essentially an emotionally painful "flashback" of something that has never actually happened, albeit some elements of them can come from experiences that actually did happen. The experiences during these episodes can range from mildly unpleasant to hellish.
These states can come and go with little or no warning, but can be triggered by things that remind me of traumatic or unpleasant experiences. They also vary in how debilitating (for lack of a better word) they are, meaning during some I may be less responsive to outside stimuli than during others. Typically during these states I remain aware of what is going on around me well enough to function relatively normally (i.e.: can still operate a vehicle), just with these internal scenarios playing out in my head (or back of my mind if I really try to focus on important tasks like driving) like a painful memory . During worse episodes I may come out of these states mumbling things like "no" or "stop" to myself and feel a bit dazed. However, in all of these states I tend to be less responsive to some degree and have what others might call a "thousand yard stare".
Anyways, what I want to know right now is when and how a man could explain having a condition like this to the woman he is dating without scaring her off by looking like he's nothing but broken goods, has too much baggage or like he is some scary/dangerous person who might snap.
I would also like to know how a guy could do this without the woman then attacking or abusing him.
I know I am a long ways off from actually starting to date again. However, I am hoping that if I learn healthy/positive ways a guy could handle these types of scenarios with everything working out fine instead of ending disastrously I can try to use that knowledge to pull myself out of some of my flashbacks and dissociative states.
Depending on how immersive a given flashback or dissociative state is I can be easily startled by outside stimuli, which doesn't exactly give off the image of being confident. Especially when I'm startled to the point of jumping a bit.
Another manifestation I'd be concerned about is how I have a tendency to compulsively check my pockets when getting up to leave (making sure I haven't forgotten/misplaced my keys or wallet).
This wouldn't be a big problem or seem too unusual if it weren't for the fact I often end up entering a dissociative state while doing this, which results in me repeatedly checking the same pocket multiple times or blankly staring into a pocket.
I good person will see past all of this and pay attention to the substance of you.
Abuse comes in many forms and is never gender specific. Men and women are capable of horrible things, and the victim never deserves what has happened to them. I am sorry that you have been a victim of repeated abuse.
Regarding dating, it would be best to date a woman who is emotionally capable of understanding your condition, if it is women you want to date. If she isn't aware of your condition and your triggers, the date will be disastrous. You need to be with someone who can help you through these episodes, not act strangely and misunderstand, making things worse.
If you've tried dating online, it's a good way of meeting and getting to know someone without meeting in person right away. It's easier to become friendly and get to know a little about them, over the course of chatting for a month or two, and broach the subject there, instead of at a bar filled with people, after you've had a dissociative state.
When you say,
"...learn healthy/positive ways a guy could handle these types of scenarios with everything working out fine instead of ending disastrously..."
Can you explain this more specifically? Do you mean imagined scenarios or actual experiences that you could refer to in order to pull yourself out of your flashbacks?
And the number of very many friends I've made here..
I'm pretty familiar with some groups of which I'm not even a member..
Because I keep up with my friends.. as they do me.
Your chacterization of the PTSD group is inaccurate and unfair.
I suggest to others..
Looking into ... and forming your own opinions about that group.
SW ( sleepywalrus) ...
There are some very nice folks in this group, as well..
Who are clearly willing to extend their hands in friendship.
This is a gathering of people in support of each other
trying to achieve healthy relationships.
There are limited to our/their capacities to help with your....
Self-admitted ... mental health issues.
I wish you the best in your... presumably... continued search for
That needed help
In addition to what the nice people here have To offer.
jc
has to say about it.
Yeah...being in a car or other accident can cause you to have PTSD
"Can you explain this more specifically? Do you mean imagined scenarios or actual experiences that you could refer to in order to pull yourself out of your flashbacks?"
I'm looking for advice/insight on how a hypothetical dating scenario could play out in a more positive way for the guy (preferably based on actual experience) in a scenario where his date becomes abusive/mean/manipulative due to the man having a condition like mine (flashbacks and/or dissociative states).
I am hoping that if I learn realistic alternative scenarios where the abuse is stopped in it's tracks (without making the guy look bad or the abuse escalating) I might be able to at least replace parts of my dissociative states with the scenario that has a positive outcome. Then maybe I can reduce how painful some of these states can be.
@jancam:
While your own experience with that group may differ from my own it is still abusive to tell someone they are wrong for explaining how they were abused by others.
In my time in that group I had some of the prominent members tell me things like: I deserve to be abused by women since I'm a guy and women have it harder; that I should join hate groups if I want any support; etc.
It is never alright to treat someone like that. Especially in a support group. So it is incredibly hurtful to see someone in a support group try to claim that it doesn't happen when a victim speaks up about it.
I had a horrible experience in PTSD group. There were a few people who were very kind and nice, some other people met me
With incredible insensitivity and personal attacks. It felt
Like some kind of a club where I had to prove that I have PTSD to post.
It was rediculous. I never went back.
For what you are trying to figure out -
How to screen your dates before things get too far and you are in an abusive relationship? Am i correct?
Welcome your date INTO your inner world, even if it's unpleasant, paint a picture with words. If she, whoever she may be, cares about you, she'll be fascinated, will try to understand and help in any way she can. Are you able to SPEAK about what you're seeing and experiencing in your mind's and soul's eye when you're in this trance, this spaced-out state? The way people can continue to speak while they're under hypnosis? Like verbally recounting a movie you just saw?
This was something that was a huge concern of mine as well with dating. I have had some severe mental health issues in the past that still affect me today as well as dealing with a debilitating physical disease. I found being open and honest about it was best. I never brought it up on the first date, but those were usually very casual and brief- never movies and a long dinner. When I would talk to them about my issues, I would make it very brief and then answer questions if they wanted to know. It never seemed to be a problem and only a couple did I scare off. I would always offer an out if things were getting heavy and they seemed uncomfortable. It was always painful when they took the out. I can give you hope, After many failed relationships I met my husband- the only one who when given the out (I had a pretty aggressive panic attack that was very embarrassing for him and me) He told me he wasn't going anywhere- we were married a year later. There are people out there that will love you flaws and all and will be willing to stand by your side and be your support during the good and the bad.
It's more about protecting myself if a date suddenly starts behaving in an abusive manner. More specifically it's when this happens in my dissociative states where such scenarios can frequently play out.
@koolman:
With these flashbacks and dissociative states the memory of what I experienced during them doesn't always stick around very long after it ends. The things I do remember can sometimes be extremely dark and hellish (not stuff I would discuss with anyone but a therapist I can trust with that sort of information).
I have tried explaining the less dark ones before, but doing so hasn't gone well for me in the past. Generally it gets me odd looks and my concerns get brushed off as unimportant.
@woodstock:
Thanks for sharing that. It means a lot to me to hear about things working out for someone with similar issues.
I just feel really guilty about having these issues as a guy since there is an expectation in society for us to be "tough" and not be the one needing emotional support like this in a relationship.