Healthy Relationships Support Group
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If you've read my introduction post in this group you should hopefully have an idea of where I am coming from and what I'm seeking in this post.
One of the common fears and themes in my dissociative states involves the prospect of needing to explain my condition to my SO (whoever that ends up being) when I eventually start dating again.
I don't want to have to try to keep my condition a secret from her and have her feel like I'm not interested in her, or that I'm ignoring her, etc. However, I also fear what a woman would say/do if I reveal the details of my condition to her. It is this fear that many of my dissociative states have centered on (partly since the last time I tried explaining it to someone I was dating it didn't go well).
Since I'm guessing plenty of members of this group may not be familiar with the type of dissociative state I am talking about I'll try to describe it real briefly here. When these states occur I am sucked into what is essentially an emotionally painful "flashback" of something that has never actually happened, albeit some elements of them can come from experiences that actually did happen. The experiences during these episodes can range from mildly unpleasant to hellish.
These states can come and go with little or no warning, but can be triggered by things that remind me of traumatic or unpleasant experiences. They also vary in how debilitating (for lack of a better word) they are, meaning during some I may be less responsive to outside stimuli than during others. Typically during these states I remain aware of what is going on around me well enough to function relatively normally (i.e.: can still operate a vehicle), just with these internal scenarios playing out in my head (or back of my mind if I really try to focus on important tasks like driving) like a painful memory . During worse episodes I may come out of these states mumbling things like "no" or "stop" to myself and feel a bit dazed. However, in all of these states I tend to be less responsive to some degree and have what others might call a "thousand yard stare".
Anyways, what I want to know right now is when and how a man could explain having a condition like this to the woman he is dating without scaring her off by looking like he's nothing but broken goods, has too much baggage or like he is some scary/dangerous person who might snap.
I would also like to know how a guy could do this without the woman then attacking or abusing him.
I know I am a long ways off from actually starting to date again. However, I am hoping that if I learn healthy/positive ways a guy could handle these types of scenarios with everything working out fine instead of ending disastrously I can try to use that knowledge to pull myself out of some of my flashbacks and dissociative states.
One of the common fears and themes in my dissociative states involves the prospect of needing to explain my condition to my SO (whoever that ends up being) when I eventually start dating again.
I don't want to have to try to keep my condition a secret from her and have her feel like I'm not interested in her, or that I'm ignoring her, etc. However, I also fear what a woman would say/do if I reveal the details of my condition to her. It is this fear that many of my dissociative states have centered on (partly since the last time I tried explaining it to someone I was dating it didn't go well).
Since I'm guessing plenty of members of this group may not be familiar with the type of dissociative state I am talking about I'll try to describe it real briefly here. When these states occur I am sucked into what is essentially an emotionally painful "flashback" of something that has never actually happened, albeit some elements of them can come from experiences that actually did happen. The experiences during these episodes can range from mildly unpleasant to hellish.
These states can come and go with little or no warning, but can be triggered by things that remind me of traumatic or unpleasant experiences. They also vary in how debilitating (for lack of a better word) they are, meaning during some I may be less responsive to outside stimuli than during others. Typically during these states I remain aware of what is going on around me well enough to function relatively normally (i.e.: can still operate a vehicle), just with these internal scenarios playing out in my head (or back of my mind if I really try to focus on important tasks like driving) like a painful memory . During worse episodes I may come out of these states mumbling things like "no" or "stop" to myself and feel a bit dazed. However, in all of these states I tend to be less responsive to some degree and have what others might call a "thousand yard stare".
Anyways, what I want to know right now is when and how a man could explain having a condition like this to the woman he is dating without scaring her off by looking like he's nothing but broken goods, has too much baggage or like he is some scary/dangerous person who might snap.
I would also like to know how a guy could do this without the woman then attacking or abusing him.
I know I am a long ways off from actually starting to date again. However, I am hoping that if I learn healthy/positive ways a guy could handle these types of scenarios with everything working out fine instead of ending disastrously I can try to use that knowledge to pull myself out of some of my flashbacks and dissociative states.
I would say just be yourself and when you meet a woman put your best foot forward and if you happen to charm her and catch her attention and she likes your company things will go along well and she will sooner or later notice this about you
I wouldn't delve into it right off the bat because when you label it like that, you probably will scare her off, when in reality most people have personality quirks. She might notice your "thousand yard stare" If she asks you about it, you can fill her in once she gets to know the non quirky and really cool parts about you!
All of us are broken goods with baggage, so don't sweat it!
About the part about a woman attacking or abusing.. get away fast from anyone who shows aggression when you share what you perceive to be a flaw about yourself. Cause that is messed up and should never happen.
As a result I am very uncomfortable getting close (physically) to women. Even holding hands makes me uncomfortable and trying anything like kissing is just beyond my comfort levels since it feels like an absolute sensory overload and is a bit triggering for me. So this makes me a little fearful of starting dating again in the future. I feel like it will be off putting to women if they notice I have trouble doing something as simple as holding hands with them.
If you meet a person and you enjoy their company, you enjoy their conversation, you can just think of it as two humans enjoying the day. If feelings emerge and one of you WANT to kiss or hold hands or progress, then that will happen and you can go with it or back off if you feel like it.
Best not to work yourself into a panic by assuming you know what a person you haven't even met yet will want!
Good Luck!
And I'm sorry you were treated badly well growing up. Just remember you are in control of you at this point in life. We can't go back and we don't know what the future holds. You have this moment and in this moment, you are ok!
I'll just add that we ALL have to work up to, or work down to the physical stuff when getting to know each other. It takes time to gradually establish a comfort level. She, whoever she may be, will probably be nervous too. Just focus on enjoying conversation at first, sharing common interests.
On a related note: the way I am right now my condition is something that gets noticed pretty early in meeting people. I don't generally discuss my condition with the people who notice it, but I still get odd looks. On at least one occasion in recent memory a woman got annoyed at me when she noticed me experiencing a dissociative state that left me staring off into space.
So this condition isn't exactly something that I can really put off explaining if I were to try getting to know a woman. It inevitably comes down to either telling them about it or letting them write me off as a "creep" due to my condition.
I have some issues and when I dated , I would warn people about it before I met them. I d say somethint like - hey, i have a physical problem, if it is not your cup of tea, i get it. I do not want to waste anyone's time and I do not want to waste mine.
All people have baggage, most are just not forthcoming and let you guess for months.
I am a firm believer that if someone doesnt like what they see, they are welcome to walk.
Way back when I had date offers when I was in a wheelchair and looked like a freak of nature. There are good people in this world who see beyond the shell.
" there are good people in this world that see beyond the shell"
Now I cannot say for certain, however, I know for myself, it's been easier being in a relationship with someone who understands and is extremely supportive...it's almost like, overall, my PTSD is *better* in some ways because I don't feel like I'm having to force myself to pretend or act like someone I'm not. I can't really describe what I'm trying to say...hopefully you understand what I mean.
Every single person has baggage of some sort. NO ONE is perfect. I wouldn't concentrate so much on specifics, although, I can understand not doing so causes anxiety. The truth is we won't always know how we will react in any given scenario. In one particular scenario, I've reacted differently with different people. Some situations were pleasant and others were not but the overall scenario was the same in all cases. I couldn't tell you what made one particular scenario and my reaction different than the other. I guess all you can do is take it slow with someone you are interested in and divulge details as they become apparent or as you feel comfortable. You might be more surprised than you think. I found out I made it worse in my head telling them than it actually ended up being.
@redheaddiva: I understand what you're saying. Unfortunately, I lack anyone in my life to support me right now. My friends all gave up on me when they realized I couldn't be "fixed" by saying things like, "just cheer up". I can't even turn to my own family for support due to the nature of my case.
I would like to find a good therapist, but the cost is prohibitively high in the state I live in and there is a lack of programs here to help people like me pay for treatment (it's a long story and boils down to ugly politics that cut most services/programs in the state that had been helping those in need). Right now I just have to keep saving up money and try to get a better paying job that might provide insurance that will cover enough of the costs.
As far as revealing your condition, I lean more towards being open and honest upfront. People will surprise you, some may be a lot more understanding than you'd think. You may also run into those who are neither understanding, nor supportive, but better to find out from the start and weed them out right away. Just keep your head up, be brave and honest, someone's going to love and respect you for who you are, all of you.
Most people seem to have a poor understanding of ptsd in general. Additionally, there are many people who do not accept that ptsd can be caused by anything other than major traumatic experiences such as fighting in a war. I have even encountered people who become quite hostile if someone mentions getting ptsd from anything other than the stereotypical causes.
Also, if you're a guy and say you got ptsd from being abused by women there generally is not much sympathy for you. There was even a study done that showed that this is a big problem with domestic violence/abuse shelters and helplines, in that men who turn to them for help/support are frequently turned away or told that they must deserve the abuse (and similar things). I've even experienced this problem when I turned to the ptsd support group on DS for help.
So revealing details of my condition is a pretty sensitive area for me. Especially since some abusers will use that information against a person.
When I have these dissociative states I frequently live through these painful scenarios. I don't like feeling like some helpless little kid who can't do or say anything to defend themselves without making the scenario worse. That's why I want to find believable examples of how these scenarios could play out better and in more positive ways. Then maybe when I get pulled into these dissociative states I can try to focus on the positive versions of the scenarios and try to insert those into my dissociative states to replace the bad/painful experiences.
Positive versions of the scenarios: Ever tried going to town on a punching bag with the girl's picture on it lol?
I really think you should not have to explain yourself fully to someone you don't know. A few brief words should be enough.
If the woman has more questions, you can say : " i respect your curiosity and compassion and if we hit if off, i d be glad to elaborate. "
Case closed. If a person doenst understand this and keeps pushing or is scared off - this is not the kind of person you want to date anyway.
As I used to tell other people - your problem is an excellent screening tool.
One thing that people do gravitate towards is confidence. It is intriguing and challenging. Don't approach a woman from " I'm sorry, i m a little different.." No freakin way.
kee your head high.